My son says I make him feel like a terrible person

[alostpainting]

NCed for this.

My son is nearly 6. Today I asked him not to take away his cousin's toy while his cousin was playing with it, and he got really upset. He was crying hysterically so I cuddled him, took him away from everyone and told him why I'd asked him to stop (because it's unkind, his cousin was playing with it, DS had just asked me to play a different game with him and I'd said yes so no need to stop someone else's fun ...)

Then he said that I make him feel like he's a terrible person, and like he's the most annoying person in the world.

I told him I love him, that I'll always love him, even if he does something that I tell him off for. After about 15 minutes he calmed down and we went inside to do something else.

I suffer from depression, and so does my mother, and her father, and it goes back generations. I am terrified that my son is going down the same route, either because he's picked up things from me, or it's innate, or both. We just spent the weekend with my mum and stepdad, who can both be quite miserable and gloomy, and I had a big dip in mood. I'm sure that I'm not as good at hiding the dark thoughts as I'd like to be. I am rigid with terror at the thought of my darling, darling little boy having to live through depression.

Has anyone successfully parented with depression? And not passed it on?

(btw, I take antidepressants and see a counsellor regularly. Yes, I feel terrible that I had a child but in my defence my depression only became serious during pregnancy. I'm not currently depressed but seeing my maternal family certainly makes my mood worse).

Don't feel terrible for having your little boy! Why shouldn't you?

He might get depression, he might not. But you're working on it, you're doing the right things, you're watching yourself closely to see how you interact with him. Those are all vital in making yourself the best parent possible, and in not repeating patterns of behaviour from past generations.

FWIW kids come out with the oddest, sometimes hurtful things. It doesn't have to mean anything, you still have to parent him and make him see kindness is better.

Honestly, IMO he played you and then milked it like a pro. One minute you're correcting his bad behaviour and the next, thanks to a bit of amateur dramatics, he's the victim and you're lavishing attention on him. This is not about depression and by making it so you're just setting yourself up to let him away with whatever he feels like.

Do you tell him off often? It would worry me if my child said something like that and were so upset.
It’s easy when you’re in a depression to be sterner than is warranted and gloomy without realising it.

thanks @peeky. Very kind words.

@TooTrue yes I worried about that, too, but how would he even have the language for that kind of thing? How does a 5 year old start talking about being a terrible person? Although it's also very true that if I turn this into something to make myself feel bad then everyone loses. Perhaps I am being over sensitive.

Fission I try not to tell him off but do discipline him of course. But I try to be kind and patient and explain things to him. Perhaps I was being sterner than was necessary. That's a very good thing to look out for, thank you.

Of course you don't want your DS to have the same struggles with his MH that you have had but if you worry about that to much you will make your own Depression worse. It sounds as if he was modelling behaviour and language that he has seen, perhaps to get out of being told off or perhaps because he thinks this is the way to handle strong emotion. Don't pile guilt onto yourself and persist with kind but firm parenting.

Absolutely yes. Do not underestimate how clever children are even at that age. Besides, he clearly has the language so that point is not disputable. I know it's hard for you given your specific fears but you'll do him no favours in the long run if you allow him to turn the tables like that when you need to discipline him.

I wonder if depression is hereditary my eldest only 7 seems to have early symptoms and I suspect will suffer later on life. My youngest however whom I suffered tremendously with and really struggled to bond with is totally the opposite nothing bothers her and she is just a ball of happiness. I think you have to be very aware of your own actions but I dont believe nuture alone csuses depression.

Sounds to me like you're doing a good job, OP! Firm but kind discipline? That's surely the best way to deal with a 5 yr old.
Please don't underestimate how much kids like that can manipulate you. And I don't mean that in a nasty way, I just do know how they can "play" you.
I have severe mental health issues. And children, plus GC now.
The best thing, if the situation ever arose that your son has problems is that you'll be like me: absolutely best placed to help and support because you know all about it.
But don't run to seek trouble!
You're clearly a great mother

Thank you so much mumma Do you mind me asking if you’ve ever talked to your children about your mh issues? If so, how did you do it? I’d like my son to know he can come to me but when I was growing up o would never have spoken to my mum about it - as I just knew she was too fragile

I think you need to discuss this with a MH professional, I do nt agree with the comment your son played you, I think these comments are a warning something is seriously wrong. You really need to hide mood swings from your son and create a positive atmosphere at home.

You sounded firm but fair. Whether he is "playing" you or being genuine you should continue to be firm in your discipline, while explaining why and reassuring him.

alostpainting....
It can be done!!
3 kids ages 19,16 and 14.
16 yr old has depression and anxiety.Meds and therapy keeps things level and even happy again!!
Not too early, but basically my kids have always known about my own depression and anxiety.You got this Hun

You can correct him every time on the bad person thing but tell him he made the wrong choice. It’s a bit American-sounding but does the job.

alostpaintingI didn't really talk to my kids about mh when they were young. Aside from anything else, I don't think I realised the extent of my illness myself when they were small. I poured my whole self into caring for them and hiding my symptoms.
It all started to unravel for me when one of my AC became unwell in his midteens. I had to seek help for myself as I was going under looking after him.
By the time my daughter became very unwell I was able to talk openly, to empathize. Didn't make it any less scary for me to watch her - but she's now so much better. Having proper treatment. I've been with her every step of the way. She's now an independent young mother. She says she wouldn't have made it without me. We're very close.
I wish you all the best. I can sympathise with how worried you are. I do wish I'd been more open earlier on but I didn't have the self awareness or vocabulary

I think it's just about building emotional resilience OP.

Rather than no opt for a limited number of choices - you can only play one game at a time, which one do you want to play - that one with your cousin or this one with me?

Maybe teaching techniques to calm down from hysterical crying

Name and work through the feelings together - you are not a terrible or annoying person, it's okay to feel bad and angry sometimes, what would make things better (a hug, make up with cousin) etc

When I am being advised how terrible my parenting is ( preteen dd here), I advise back that I am this doing my job. Sometimes I even say how she has made my day which totally flummoxes her and that’s even better.

There is nothing wrong with telling off your son, and it won't lead to depression. It sounds like he knows how to push your buttons.

I think that focusing looking after his mental health now will help him in the future regardless of any genetic predisposition he may or may not have. Learning that it’s ok to express his emotions and that you will listen and reassure him as you have is a good start. This book is supposed to be good

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07GRBB9WQ/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I agree with those that said he played you. Keep an eye out for that. Kids are very clued up these days

From the perspective of a five year old, if I tell mummy she's made me feel bad, she'll cuddle me and tell me I'm lovely. All day long!! That said, if he is going to be prone to depression or anxiety in later life, well done for raising a child who is articulate enough to express his emotions. I think you're doing fine. I understand why you're wary, but I think the very fact that you've wondered this shows you're doing a good job with him.

6 yr old kids are not bad people for trying to express their view point.

he said that I make him feel like he's a terrible person, and like he's the most annoying person in the world.

Only because he's the centre of your universe so he is the person you care most about. Which is why you care about him being nice & doing the right things. And it's your job to try to get him to do the right thing. None of that is bad thing, and he's old enough to understand it all. All 6 yr olds can be annoying, so that's not his fault, either. Everyone makes mistakes or has selfish moments. Important thing is learning to be less selfish & make fewer mistakes in future.

He doesn't have to feel depressed about himself as long as he knows that you believe in him, you know that he can do better.

Thank you everyone for this advice, and for the kind words. It is really helpful and positive. Emotional resilience and articulating emotions seem to be key.

mumma and mymums thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I live in fear of my son having MH problems but have never seriously thought about how to actually deal with it.

Katerina I've ordered that book, which looks really good. I've tried reading books about how to parent with depression in the past, but they're all about what a terrible effect having depression has on your children, so not always helpful!

My son used to say stuff like that, and worse, but he was all about the drama!!! He's now 14 and still very dramatic but forgets what was bothering him so very much a few minutes later.