Name change for this. I don’t even know where to start and don’t want to drip feed. I’ll go back to when it first went really wrong. 7 years ago he cheated. He left me and my daughter (he’s lived with us since she was 2.5yrs old) for 6 months to be with the other woman. We got back together. I’d like to think this was because he chose us, but I think it’s because he realised the other woman was bonkers! I was so desperate to have him back. The split was a total shock I hadn’t seen coming. I was in a complete state of shock and trauma for those 6 months having to dismantle the life we had built together. When he wanted to come back I was delighted. The trauma would end I thought and I could get my old life back. But you don’t. I had serious issues from my childhood. He’s 30 years older than me. Trypical daddy issues. My dad was verbally abusive. I grew up so scared. Self harming at age 5 (not that I knew it was) and suicidal by 10. I don’t have anyone I can rely on. I felt alone in the world till I found him and then he just threw me away.
So we got back together. I just tried to patch up our old lives. I’d had to rehome the horse he brought me (yes I know I’m immensely privileged to have her) and we got her back a few months after getting back together. Animals have been very important to me. The only love I felt in my childhood and I see them as my children. I so wanted her back with me and he pays the horse’s keep. She is a factor in us getting back together and staying together. I couldn’t bare to lose her and although I have my own income. My sole income is not enough for house, child and horse.
9 months after getting back together he lost his job. Being 60 he took early retirement but the drop in household income was put on my shoulders to make up and I did.
Then a year or so after than he got prostate cancer. He had his prostate removed. He was a horrible person whilst he was going through treatment, drank lots and took it out on me. He suffers ED from his treatment and we don’t have a sexual relationship. I am relieved as during our split he made me feel awful about my body and myself in bed. I have such low confidence now I have no desire for a sexual relationship with anyone. The cancer went but two years later it came back. Again he reacted badly and initially his prognosis wasn’t great. But he’s doing well now and his level are non existent. It’s gone but I think he feels ‘for now’. His second lot of treatment made things worse. He sometimes wets himself and the bed. This and his snoring had led to him sleeping on the sofa bed. I’ve finally got him to accept his accidents. For so long he denied them!! Total denial and it was so hard to live with. Me having to clean up and him blaming the dog or plain denying he was wet when he clearly was. He now wears pads to help but I feel so angry that for a long time me and dd had to suffer urine around our home. I do suffer from OCD so found this very traumatic. It seemed to spark my ocd and make it worse. This is where you must all think I’m a horrible person. I think it too. But I started to feel angry and a little repulsed my him. He eats meat, I don’t for ethical reasons and his meat eating really started to repulse me. His teeth are decayed and in a terrible state (he refuses to have them cleaned and see a dentist) and this started to make me feel ick. My ocd spiralled. He sometimes has poop on his pants. I don’t think he wipes properly and on several occasions when he’s walking around in underpants I can see it’s seeped through. My ocd is terrible when this happens. He tells me I over react but please tell me this isn’t ok? To have poop and pee spread around your home. I can’t bare it! I wouldn’t get so stressed if it was an accident and treated as so but it’s his complete denial and refusal to manage the problems that causes me anxiety. So much anxiety!
I was lucky enough to buy my council home 5 years ago. I’ve made good profit and would have a decent deposit for something bigger than our two bed one bathroom flat. But it’s mine and in my name and my security. The plan was once five years was up to sell (after 5 yrs keep full discount) and move to a house. He wants to. He wants his own room which I appreciate. He’s been on a sofa bed a year now. But he expects me to make this happen. No effort or extra finance from him. Now as I’ve said before he pays for my beloved horse. £600 a month she costs and he pays into a joint account and helps with the household bills. He’s not tight with money but just has his monthly pension. No help with deposit, he has no equity elsewhere or savings. I’ve always paid the mortgage from my account and wanted to keep it mine as I brought it after our split and wanted security. It’s his attitude of me not us having to provide a better home that makes me feel worthless. If I buy again alone I can afford a three bed but in another not so great area. Where I am is very close to dd school so I don’t want to move unless it’s an improvement for her too. I’d be moving just to buy him a bedroom. I’m starting to feel the weight of him as a burden. It’s the way he says things. Like I’m expected to provide and make everything happen. If we buy together we can borrow more but repayment time is short due to his age and monthly payments are huge. Deep down me and dd don’t want to move but it’s unfair dp sleeping on a sofa bed. I’m scared to move. Dd is happy with her room and being near school. We’ve looked at houses but the type dp wants isn’t realistically affordable. He also doesn’t want to cut back on his personal money that he mainly spends on drink. I’m made to feel guilty for not providing.
I’m a horrible person doing this to him. I don’t love him as a partner. More a friend or father figure. It’s so messed up. I’m so messed up. I’m scared to live without him and worried about impact on dd and finance. He doesn’t want to split up. I feel it’s inevitable and for the best for everyone and I’ve been so stupid and selfish. I also know I’m too weak to take the step myself.
I hate than my ocd has driven this big wedge. I feel so guilty that at times he repulses me. I don’t want him sleeping on the sofa and sharing a bathroom with me. I wish I could afford a 3 bed two bathroom house. I feel so bad I factor a horse into this. I sound like a privileged idiot! The past few months I’ve been in a dark place. Dd has been a teenage nightmare too and I feel everyone would be happier if I wasn’t here. I cry all the time. I blame myself for making everyone unhappy.
I could afford to split. I can manage my Mortgage, I have some savings. But what I wouldn’t do is keep the horse at the expense of dd not being able to do things with money on single income being tight. If I could find the horse the perfect home I’d be so sad but ok. But she’s had health issues. She may be a luxury pet but she’s also my responsibility and sadly an expensive one. I’m a complete mess and I feel I’m messing up everyone and everything around me. I may also be using the poor horse as an excuse not to take the leap. Like I said I’m a mess.
Sorry I’ve gone on for so long and please be gentle as you can’t hate me more than I hate myself.