Has anyone been through similar?? Depressed husband

[Bewilderedmumma]

Has anyone been through similar??
My dh has been depressed and suffering with anxiety for the past two and a half years. We have two dc together 2 and 7. We have been together for 13 years and married for 8. He has withdrawn from family life and has been sleeping in the spare room for the past six months. I have sympathy for his illness but he is unkind and blames me for his unhappiness. I think he wants to leave but doesn’t know how. I want to save our marriage for our dc and our shared history but I don’t know how much longer I can carry on living with him. Has anyone been through similar??

Sounds very similar to me. I was the DH and did my very best to fight for our marriage at the time. In hindsight seperation was best for both of us, a year on I'm doing well and finding myself. My ex has found someone new and my DC are doing better. I wish it hadnt happened but accept that I couldn't have got better without the seperation. Its still tough at times and the first few months could have gone either way but a year on we are both in a far better place than we had been in a long time.

Thank you singletomingle
It’s good to hear that things worked out for you both. It all seems a daunting journey ahead but I think the way things are going we would both be happier people on our own. Thank you for posting.

Hi,
I'm going through something similar, we've been together since 2009 and my husband has always had ups and downs but lately it has become very extreme, after two manic attacks he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Now he is on medication to stabilise him but has fallen into a deep depression that has lasted almost a year and a half so far. He is not able to function normally, most days he cannot even get out of bed and is completely disengaged from everything.

We have a small baby (2 months) and I was hoping that would give him a reason to get better but very little has changed. I want to stick by him but also feel I can't continue like this. He claims our marriage is not a factor in the depression but I know that he has made sacrifices to be with me (he always wanted to live in his hometown - which happens to be a small town in Turkey, so I vetoed it a long time ago) and I'm worried that he now can't stop dwelling on what he's given up. But the idea of separating now when our son is so small is incredibly daunting.

Bewilderedmumma - have you openly adressed the issue of seperation with him yet? If so how does he respond?

My DP had a severe episode of depression and anxiety. He did withdraw and it was very difficult at the time. But he never doubted his love for me, although it may have seemed that way to me. His problems weren’t with us. He was able to tell me this although it took a few weeks for him to be well enough and for me to push him gently towards talking about things.

Sadly he seems to see his relationship with you as part of the stress in his life. My advice would be to get on with things assuming he is not able or willing to continue the relationship. It’s much too painful otherwise for you. I wouldn’t have continued if DP wasn’t trying to get better and giving me some assurance he still loved me.

My DP has had depression as long as I have known him. He went through a really bad two year stint fairly recently and it was horrendous for both of us. He started socialising with someone who seems to hate women, and DP was bringing these thoughts back home.

He did go to the doctor and was put onto ADs. He took himself off them a few months later, only to dive down again, so he went back for more. He is still on them.

He is much better with me now, but things were not great (understatement of the year!) for the two years. I had to spell it out to him more than once before he understood the impact he was having on me.

Good luck!

Last summer I found out my dh has suffered with depression and anxiety since he was a teenager (but never told me during our 8 year relationship - there were signs but I didn't fully realise the extent, I know that makes me sound unobservant, I'd like to think I am not!) He started sleeping in a separate room to me two months after we got married (with no clear reason) and I questioned it initially last summer (which is when he opened up on depression and anxiety) but he then retreated further into himself (and continued sleeping in the spare room) for the rest of the year which I really struggled with. At Christmas I made the decision to leave (we have no children) and this finally caused him to open up to me - we had a very tough few weeks afterwards, with me agreeing to give it another chance (I was fully intent on leaving). I will be honest though I am struggling to process much of his behavior and he was very reluctant to take medication or visit a councilor together or on our own.

I'm sorry to read that he blames you, the question people have asked me is can you see yourself feeling like this for another 10 years? Would he agree to attend counselling with you or go on his own? Is he willing to visit his GP?

Happy for you to message me if you'd like to chat more

Thank you so much for your posts.
Lilywhite- a couple of times in anger in past months he has said he wants a divorce or can’t see how we can make things better. Since he started this current series of ad about six weeks ago I have asked him a couple of times if he would be happier on his own and he said he wants to wait until he is less angry before he makes the decision.
Lemon- I really struggle with how much slack to cut him for being unwell against not letting him treat me badly. It’s helpful to hear that your dh is still letting you know he loves you as this is not what is happening for me.
Time- it’s good to hear that things came to a better resolution for you.
Ostrom- he is currently engaging with doctor and on a 3rd type of medication. He is adamant he won’t have counselling together. I’ve reached a point after two and a half years where I can’t carry on with no change even medium term. I don’t think I’d manage another year let alone 10!

Thank you for your posts, I have some amazingly supportive friends but it is so useful to hear perspectives of people who have been in similar situations