Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have I a reason to be cross at husband or am I just feeling helpless?

15 replies

Atadunsure · 22/04/2019 18:51

I have just had a 10 day break overseas to attend a wedding and left my 15 and 17 year old sons at home with my husband. I have never been away from any of them for so long and so was anxious about going.
6 days into the trip I saw an email from my doctor’s surgery confirming my 15 year old had an appointment. Confused as to why, I texted my husband who got back to me with the likes of ‘do not worry, you are on holiday, concentrate on having a good time.’ Such a response did worry me immensely. I wrote back and said I wanted to know what was wrong. He tried to FaceTime but I was with family and so I asked him to text.
He then wrote me this long, descriptive, detailed message saying my younger son had expressed suicidal feelings to him and had been self-harming, including cutting and burning himself. He has apparently been doing it for years. He said the appointment was to get him some help. My son is an upbeat kid and such news has come as a terrible shock. I am away from home and cannot discuss with my son and I feel completely helpless. I am delighted my husband is dealing with the situation but I have an issue in that I also feel incredibly cross he texted me this information. I know I told him to do so but I feel like he should none-the-less have found another means of relaying this sensitive, important information that we need to discuss thoroughly.
The news has not sunk in that my son would be self-harming. This is my priority and we will do everything we can to help him.
Perhaps my anger is really deriving from the fact I feel helpless at this second. Do I have a valid reason to be cross at my husband? Would anyone else be cross or is this just plain ridiculous? Thank you.

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 22/04/2019 18:56

I think your last paragraph nails it. I’m sorry to hear about your son, but I think your feelings of worry and anxiety are being directed at your husband because you’re powerless to help from where you are.

He did try to phone you and then you asked him to put it in writing, which he did.

Just be thankful that he’s being proactive and helping your son, send your son some loving messages of support and try to work as a team to support him FlowersBrewCake

Prinlllu · 22/04/2019 18:59

He did what you asked. Why will you be cross with him. He told you not to worry but you asked for more information. He then tried to call you but you couldn’t speak with him and asked him to text you. So he did. And now you are angry for no reason. Perhaps you feel more angry at yourself that you aren’t there to deal with this but are projecting into him.

Atadunsure · 22/04/2019 19:00

Thank you very much, I see what you’re saying.
I wrote my son a message saying that I heard he was having a tough time and that his father and I will support him. He hasn’t replied. Will be home in a couple of days thank goodness!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/04/2019 19:01

You asked him to text you, even though he tried not to do that. You're cross for the wrong reasons.

He's stepped up, he's getting the bairn some help. You can't be mad at him for doing what you insisted on him doing.

You're probably right in your last paragraph, but no you don't have the right to be cross with your husband. He's set the ball rolling, this time to process before going home means you'll be calmer than you would be if you were now.

lifebegins50 · 22/04/2019 19:06

I think you might need to show empathy for your husband who is handling the situation well. He did what you asked so you are not being reasonable but guess you are shooting the messenger.

You seem to have a good man in your husband.

Atadunsure · 22/04/2019 20:01

Thank you for your advice everyone. I feel bad now!!
Why do things like this always happen at the worse possible times?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/04/2019 20:05

I'd agree, your husband is trying to deal with this alone right now. Please try to have some empathy here and support him. Not make it harder for him.

pallisers · 22/04/2019 20:07

Why do things like this always happen at the worse possible times?

For teens sometimes a change in the environment at home is enough to tip them into asking for help or revealing their feelings - so you going away may have been useful in fact. My dd had similar issues a few years back and they came to a head when I had to travel for work. good luck to you all.

Tucobenedicto · 22/04/2019 20:09

Don't understand why you are not on the first available flight today..it's not as if it's a cold or a runny nose....

Survivingchipandkippee · 22/04/2019 20:10

Instead of venting about your husband get yourself home to support your husband and child

Corcra · 22/04/2019 20:15

Your husband did everything right from what you relayed. I completely agree. Time to get home. There is nothing more important than your son.

Atadunsure · 24/04/2019 13:01

Thank you for all your responses. I am back home now in a clearer head space; we will get our son some professional help. I am not angry at my husband and from what I can see he has actually done a great job in supporting him.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 24/04/2019 13:28

What a horrible time for you OP.
You are now home and can help him in any way possible.
Your DH did do the right thing.
I'm glad you aren't angry with him anymore.
I hope your DS gets the help he needs.

SandyY2K · 24/04/2019 14:02

I hope your son feels better soon. Your DH was doing his best to deal with it and has no fault in this at all.

Whichwayfoward · 24/04/2019 14:04

Agree with the others. What other option did your husband have? He did his best

New posts on this thread. Refresh page