When your dp has trust issues

[xmasbaba2014]

I've been in a relationship with a woman for almost 18 months. We've both been in really badly abusive relationships before and I think we both have issues around trust, boundaries etc. It's a first same sex relationship for both of us. She's really really paranoid that something is going on between me and my ex (couldn't be further from the truth). I love her and would never cheat on her with anyone. She gets annoyed because he comes to my house to see our DC's, his apartment isn't suitable, I don't let them go there and he agrees with this. I wouldn't even say me and him are friends, we're civil for the kids and that's it. But she's after starting another argument over it and I don't know what I can do to reassure her any more. I really don't want to lose her but I feel I'm constantly defending myself against something that's not even real.

Your ex will always be in your life because of the children you share together. Regardless of whether she has been hurt in the past, your partner needs to recognise that and get the fuck over it. It sounds like she’s trying to guilt you into having zero contact with you ex, which will ultimately hurt your children. I’d think very hard about continuing a relationship with her, she sounds like very hard work and controlling. You shouldn’t feel like you have to prove yourself to her.

My can be insecure and his insecurities can revolve around my. My ex wife cheated on him with her first husband and left him.

My ex husband has recently split with his girlfriend and dp is worried about it. He is worried I will do the same as his ex wife. However, he recognises that, that is his issue. He knows I have to have some contact with the ex because we have a son. He knows it's best for my son if its civil. He also hates exh because he has been very abusive towards me.

We dont argue over it. If he is feeling particularly insecure, we talk about it.

I also make sure dp knows what's going on. If both me and ex are going to parents evening, I would tell him. He may be uncomfortable with it, but it's better than hiding it from him. But again, he accepts that's his issue.

We have been together 18 months and it's never caused an argument.

We all have insecurities. Using those insecurities as a whip to beat someone with isnt ok.

I think the problem is she sees her trust issues as your responsibility instead of something she has to work on.

She sounds jealous/controlling.

You don't do time for someone else's crime. Her previous partners are not you. If she can't function in a healthy relationship, she needs to do work on herself and be single.

As an aside, he can surely take them out and do stuff with them sometimes (though that's not the main issue here).