Am I making a mistake..?

[Piratelostatsea]

I recently split with my DH after a year and a half of marriage (approx 10 Yr relationship in total), due to money/financial problems but I'm really struggling with as to, whether I am doing the right thing or not. I'll try and keep things as brief as I can.

DH has always been a bit bad with money. He has had letters from the bank chasing him to make payments. He has only ever worked minimum wage or low paid jobs despite having a degree so money has always been tight. I made a number of sacrifices over the years, lent him money, supported him etc. He has leaned on me a lot in this time.

He also has a tendency to avoid anything remotely stressful and I've witnessed him literally shut down to avoid stress. This often results in him lying to me about things which then leads to an emergency or crisis that causes more stress than if the situation or whatever had just been addressed properly in the first place. I don't trust him and that is something I'm struggling to move past. I can't see this changing.

The thing is, I love him. He's a truly kind, generous and thoughtful man who would do anything for me. Except job hunt or apply for work it seems. Having said that he has definitely improved over the past few years. He is loyal and committed. But I'm not sure if it's enough.

I think I've done the right thing leaving but I'm finding it so hard. I miss the security of being in a relationship. I'm house sharing after years of coupled up bliss and I miss having my privacy. But I don't think I want to continue on with someone so unreliable I am always worrying about the financial side of things.

I have also developed a highly inappropriate crush on a friend and this has simply added to my confusion. I have no intention on acting on these feelings but I'm just questioning if it's driving my decision to leave my DH?

Basically what I'm asking is, will I regret taking this step in the future? Should I do my best to accept his flaws or should I keep going, ignore these feelings I have for someone else, or, proceed with a divorce and hope to find a new, more reliable partner in the future? No children involved.

Thank you for reading.

I think you have done the right thing leaving him, you don't want to be further down the line with him, then him cause a massive catastrophe like losing your home etc. I couldn't live with someone like him it would make me worry and feel insecure all the time.
It sounds like he wants a really easy life which is not fine as hes expecting someone to carry him and bail him out all the time. To me it sounds as bad as being with someone with a drug/alcohol problem.
I think it depends on what you want in life because hes not going to change. I wouldn't have children with someone like him or want to live with him. Its not fair on you.
I would go NC with him and divorce him because you wont meet anyone else decent whilst hes still around even slightly.

I expect you'll get a bunch of 'LTB!!!!'s but I know it's not as simple as that.

Saying this, I am not sure he'll ever change without putting the right structures in place (should you choose to stay). Let him flounder should he overspend. A tough but ultimately beneficial watch.

The crush is neither here nor there.

He obviously has some issues with self confidence if he's only ever applied for jobs he's over qualified to do. Regardless of your relationship, it may be worth him having counselling?

We're having counselling at the moment.

Thing is, he's a bit hopeless at finding any job, even minimum wage ones. I've literally had to go out with him to cafes and restaurants. He won't go by himself.

I don't know if it's a confidence issue, but I guess it could be. He is pretty confident in other areas of his life though.

He’s bad with money, you financially support him, he lies to you, you don’t trust him. You’ve already developed feelings for someone else.

So do you want another 10 years of what you’ve already had? Because if he hasn’t changed drastically in the last 10, years he’s probably not going to up his game in the next 10 years.

You have been carrying him and essentially, enabling him. Not intentionally though. You've done it out of love.

I speak from experience here - me being the person who was shite with money.

My ex carried me financially. I would fuck up, impulse buy etc. (There were reasons now I look back on it but still...) and each time, someone, usually my ex, would bail me out. He loved to laud it over me though. I never asked him to help and I would always pay him back. He found himself very noble for helping me out which in his mind cancelled out his awful treatment of me. I digress but, it created a situation for me where I just never learnt the shitty consequences of my lack of management.

I left him eventually. I continued to be shit with money. No one was there to bail me out. I learnt some pretty hard lessons. But I had to do it without someone there. I am now good with my money. My debts are paid off. I live within my means.

You have done the right thing, I think.

Your new feelings though are completely valid too. Dont allow your crush to influence you. Ask yourself these questions?

Are you happier without your ex?
Are you enjoying your freedom?
Do those feelings outweigh whatever feelings you have for your ex?

I thought I would miss my ex. I did not. I suddenly felt light and free, like a bird freed from a cage. If you feel that way then stay separate.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I think for the most part I am happier. I've noticed that my diet is the healthiest it's been in years (ex loves unhealthy food so it was hard to maintain good eating habits with him). I've been on holiday with a friend and had a great time.

I just miss him and question if I should keep trying.

@plinkplink I agree, I think I have been enabling him too.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that marriage is supposed to be about a partnership, helping your spouse through their problems etc. If he's crap with money then why not take that responsibility off his shoulders completely? If he's not getting into a mess then he won't need to hide things from you. And if he avoids things that are stressful why not work out what it is that he finds stressful and look for a way round it for him? Wouldn't he do the same for you if you found something in life stressful? Wouldn't you expect him to?!
Why is it that so many people here seem to think that being married / in a relationship is about dividing up the housework equally and buying extravagant birthday presents? It should really be about playing to each others strengths - that way you both get to give your best and overall you're better off. If he's crap with money and you're crap at, say, decorating, then you do the finances and he paints the walls. You don't insist on doing half each just for equality's sake because your finances will be crap and the house will look like shit. 'For better or worse' - does that ring a bell?

My ex was awful with money, a problem we were both aware of, so on payday I would make him transfer his allocated amount of money into the bills account, if he then over spent and couldn’t afford luxuries it was basically tough.

I think you need to leave him until he has sorted out his financial situation. Maybe then you can both re-evaluate the situation?

If that's the main reason, I can think of two ways to do this.

You stay with him and he sorts himself out immediately. Gets himself on a debt management plan or gets himself an accountant or comes with his own plan to sort this out. You can give a time frame and if you dont see noticeable improvement during that time, then leave. Tell him this is what is running through your brain - he needs to understand the severity of the situation. But he does need to do it himself - no bailing him out.

Or you can say to him 'until you rectify this, we can't be together'. Explain your feelings, explain the depth that this has reached. Impress that upon him. Leave and see how he does flying solo. Only when he has rectified it would you reconsider getting back together.

You could do both I guess?
You're still hanging on to the good times (a good sign you want things to work). At the moment, the stress is out weighing all the good and he's solely responsible for it. So until it's sorted you wont be happy.

Gosh, what a long list of things the Op is supposed to do to fix this man! Why is that her job and not his?

And it’s been 10 years , how much longer does she have to keep trying putting her life on hold waiting for him to get his act together ?

Ffs the OP has to physically escort this man to look for jobs or go to interviews.

So yeah she could spend another 10 years fixing him, nursing him through finding work, working out for him what he finds stressful, etc, or she could find someone who is already a fully formed capable adult - not a project.

You did the right thing by leaving him @OP you might not be able to see it now but you honestly have. The financial stress alone would have caused the same result in the long run even if you’d stayed. I think the thing drawing you back is the guilt of leaving him to fend for himself and the fear of loneliness. This duth not a good relationship make! He is an adult, you’re not his mother and you’re not responsible for him or his actions. Why don’t you see where things go with the friend that you like?

Thanks all for your replies. I think we both take our vows seriously, that's why we're in counselling at the moment, we both want to do everything we can to see if we can make it work.

But I am leaning more towards calling it a day as I'm not seeing any meaningful changes coming from him. I still can't understand why he shuts down and lies to me.

@Middersweekly I don't think he's interested

I just miss him and question if I should keep trying
For how long?
You've been 'trying' for 10 years.
What then??? Another 10 years - 20 years????
Get out there and enjoy life.
You know you are doing the right thing!

It's not your job to fix him. He is using you as a surrogate mother figure to do things for him that any adult can do for themselves.

He won't get any better, he's had 10 years to confront his demons and grow up and he hasn't bothered. You are right to cut ties and give yourself a life where you can be an adult yourself and not be dragged down.

My ExH was very similar in regards to money & working. It wasn't the only reason I left him, but it was a large part of it as the constant worry about money/arguing about his work was a massive strain. I struggled with my decision for about 18 months and swayed on whether to go back after multiple promises and much pleading.

I stuck with my decision though. 10 years down the line, he is still the same man he always was, and all the man he will ever be. He is now approaching 40 years old; he does ad-hoc cash in hand labour work for his mate, as & when he can arsed, has no home or possessions of his own (leeches off whatever woman he has on his arm at the time, until they also get sick of him....) and so I thank my lucky stars every day that I didn't let him persuade me or believe his fairy tales.

Work ethic is something people either have, or they don't. I don't believe it is easily "trained" into someone, and so therefore I really do genuinely believe you should cut your losses and build your own life.

I think this is one of those rare posts where you may be best accepting you are probably better off as friends. His basic lack of drive will I think get you down. I am not with those who think it all has to be leave and no contact, if there is a lot of affection but they have an aspect that you can’t live with, it’s perfectly reasonable I think to move on but stay friends.