Helping DD adjust to NC with father - advice

[usernamefromhell]

Hi, I posted about this fairly recently: my DD's father recently threatened to kill me and I'm in the process of applying for a non-molestation order which will prevent him contacting us. This is the culmination of a long series of abusive incidents including several death threats, blackmail, ongoing harassment and threats of suicide over a period of years since we split up. I've tended to over-accommodate him and minimise these incidents in order to support his ability to have a relationship with DD but have reached the end of the line with this for obvious reasons.

We've been separated for four years and are getting divorced. DD has adjusted to our not being together fairly well in general. I'm sure he hasn't been abusive to her in any way, certainly not physically, and her relationship with him has been fairly good.

I told DD, who is 8, a couple of days ago that she can't see her dad for some time possibly several months and explained that he had said something that frightened me and the police have told him to stay away. I didn't want to tell her about the death threat as didn't want to frighten her.

I knew she would be upset but she is absolutely devastated: periodically bursting into tears etc and demanding that I call him (she did actually call him herself the other day from our home phone which is technically a breach of the order). She doesn't accept or understand why I can't just allow him to see her. I am now the villain of the piece for not allowing access to happen and she's furious with me.

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom about how long it takes for children to adjust to this? In reality it could be several months before she's allowed to have any contact with him. I presume after a certain amount of time the memories will fade, but in the interim how do I support her? Will she need professional help?

I don't have advice on how long it could take with an 8 yo because mine were much younger when contact was stopped but maybe it would help if you emphasise that it's not your decision that she can't contact him? My DC were angry with me for a long time that they couldn't see their dad, so I kept referring to the judge as the person in charge. It felt dishonest for a time because I was arguing in court for no contact but decided that for peace in the house they didn't need to know that. Now they are older (and have had a brief encounter with his shenanigans) they have accepted that people made that decision with their interest in mind. But for you because it is so hard when you're having to protect them and they don't understand yet.

Why would she need professional help? my kids havent seen their dad in just 2 years when he decided “parenting wasnt for him” after having 4 kids They have been fine and rarely mention him at all.

If my child was bothered and upset I would seek some professional help or advice either for myself and or my child. Perhaps from an organisation like Women’s Aid who will have undoubtedly seen this type of situation before or from a family liaison type worker at school if there is one?

Are you in any contact with support services? Maybe Women's Aid or similar services could advise you?