I can't cope anymore

[midnightgirl]

We haven't had an easy time of it, it's amazing how health issues effect your relationship. Everything was ok until dh had a heart attack last August 1 week before we got married, he was so ill and was such a shock at 48. It was horrible seeing him that ill, it was so stressful with the wedding coming up, should I cancel or just get it out of the way! We decided to go ahead but it wasn't how it should be obviously, he wasn't himself I was worried all day about him. I just wanted it over with so I could look after him, he couldn't fly so we cancelled the honeymoon. The weeks to follow were awful he was depressed and grumpy he said I wasn't being supportive enough and I didn't know why, I thought I was, I was crying in private as I had lost the fun lovely guy I fell in love with but I knew why so I stuck by him and slowly he did improve and I started to get glimpses of the real him.

Then I was plagued with migraines for months which just made life hard, I took some time off work went to the drs eventually they eased. Then dp got an inner ear infection, he couldn't walk or do anything for 2 weeks so I did everything again. The worst thing is it's left him deaf in one ear and he has tinnitus, it's driving him mad. If that wasn't bad enough I then became ill, throwing up, stomach ache and I went jaundice, I went to the drs and after a blood test they called me in urgently said my liver was failing thought I had hepatitis. Eventually I ended up in a&e they diagnosed gallstones with a stone blockage so I was in hospital for 5 days and had my gallbladder out.

Since coming home dp was great for the first few days but now he's gone back into a depression because of the situation with his ear. I'm trying to be the supportive jolly one but I'm finding it hard cos he says things like he wants to top himself. I've tried reassuring him and saying don't worry there's lots of things we can try to help you, I'll research it and we'll get it sorted.

I just don't know how much of this I can take, I know it's hard for him but it's not easy supporting someone who is miserable, not affectionate, snappy and we have 4 teenagers between us too. I just don't know what to do

That's sounds like a nightmare. Friend had tinnitus and found listening to music on headphones helped distract her from the sensation. I presume he had proper meds for it. You need to recover yourself as all surgery is traumatic.

I know it's awful as he's going through hell, but I just feel like running away myself. I almost can't wait till he's back at work on Tuesday. That makes me an awful person I know but like you say I need to recover myself before I go into support mode again.

Can anyone suggest what the hell I should do, he's just sitting there so miserable, I'm trying not to get depressed myself

Doesn't being supportive work both ways? You've been seriously ill as well and it doesn't sound as though he's being particularly supportive. You need to have a serious talk with him and point this out. Either you pull together, or you're going to fall apart.

Leave him
Too it and you rest, he’s a bloody adult why does he get to be depressed, you haven’t got time.

Oh dear OP you really haven't had an easy time have you. It sounds really tough for both of you.

It sounds like your Husband is suffering from depression. It's not uncommon after serious health scares and also with tinnitus. Has he seen his GP about his mood or spoken about his thoughts of not wanting to be here? Is he getting help? I'd suggest you get him to the doc and make sure they're aware the impact these physical problems have had on his mental health.

Tinnitus is hard to treat but there's lots he could try. Has he seen ENT/Audiology? Have you tried the British Tinnitus Association for support/advice?

Have you fully recovered from your op now OP? Make sure you're getting some time to yourself. Do you have friends/family supporting you or helping out?

Is it time to rebook that honeymoon so you've both got something positive to look forward to and plan for and to get some much needed time to reconnect?

Hope it gets easier for you

@Woliverine I only had op last Monday, I'm getting there but struggle with household chores etc should be ok in another week. I've told him there is support and things he can try and once I'm back to normal I will do all I can to help, but he doesn't seem to help himself, he just gets down. I'm finding it hard at the moment to be the shoulder he needs so I need some time out too.

Family are all away in Florida atm so our support network are not around making it harder. I went into hospital the day after they went so he's had a lot on his shoulders. I have been able to look after myself though, I think he's realised just how much I do though and he's struggling to do it all. The kids have helped quite a bit and they've all learned to use a washing machine including dp. Last night I was so upset he was raising his voice at me saying do you understand what I am going through. Obviously I don't completely but I'm trying, researching etc. I had a good chat with him this morning, saying we'll try this and that and we won't stop till it's sorted don't worry but it made no difference.

You've both had a lot of trauma over the past year and I think it may help the both of you to have some counselling. If he's talking of topping himself then he will definitely need some help from a professional.

There may be tinnitus support groups online so if he gets in touch with them, they may be able to give him some support.

I hope you can both get through this bad patch soon xx

You are recovering from surgery and he is shouting at you because he has to use the washing machine? You have teenagers they should be fairly self sufficient and if they aren’t then they need to learn.
The support only seems to go one way.

The heart attack is a big deal, tinnitus not so much. What he's doing is unacceptable in every way and the suicide threats are horrific. Unfortunately I think he's gotten used to you worrying and focusing on him and not in a good way.

It's not your job to jolly him up or research his treatment options. I'd tell him to ship up or live elsewhere. He's treated you terribly while you're recovering from an operation.

He just doesn't seem very good when I'm recovering from things. A few years ago I had a scare after a smear test, I didn't have cancer but they found abnormal cells cin 3 which meant they were close to cancerous but I had the cells removed, it's quite an invasive treatment but it works but again it takes a little time to get over it. Dp was supportive while I had the treatment it was also during a time my dad was terminally ill with cancer so I was a little emotional too. He was supportive the day or so I was home but then he started getting depressed saying he needed sex, I didn't feel up to sex for a while but I remember having it earlier than I wanted to because of his moodiness.

This time is the same, he was supportive while I was ill, came to the drs with me, came to a&e, visited me in hospital was affectionate etc but as soon as I'm home again for a while he goes all depressed. I'm wondering if it's partly if it's because I'm not ready for sex again. He did mention it the other night but blimey I can only just get up never mind that. Thank god he's back at work tomorrow.

I mean I looked for a support group on Facebook but I'm the one that's joined it not him. He said he couldn't get on it

For god's sake it sounds like you have another teenager in the house. He needs to grow up. Throughout your thread you are asking what you can do to help him, he needs to get some perspective and see the problems of the family as a whole.
As for pushing for sex a week after you had surgery, I think that speaks volumes about his sense of entitlement and you should seriously be considering this marriage before you are too embedded.

He sounds very selfish and has zero empathy for you as a person. He can muster up some support in short bursts but can’t sustain the facade of actually caring more about you than he does about his own needs.

I couldn’t live with a man like that.

Well I'm struggling @Zofloramummy I can't live like this either.

Oh, I'm sorry that you are going through thus. You've both had a really tough time, and it should not be a competition on who's having the worst time. And you seem to be really supportive, and even that is not good enough. Right now, you need his support. You've had major surgery, feel physically done in and he's causing mental distress. Just concentrate on getting better, you can acknowledge his needs but he has to sort them out himself. You can only do so much for him, and it sounds like you already do. Not long now until he's back at work, and you get some mental space.

@midnightgirl what are you going to do? If you spoke to him about how his behaviour makes you feel would be able to listen and change at all? Or is this relationship dynamic so fixed, and he is so secure in his role of needing to be supported that it would be a waste of breath?

I suspect he is quite happy with how things are and would make any discussion very difficult and ultimately blame you for any issues with his behaviour.

Are you considering ending your marriage?

Well I have spoken to him, he seemed to take it on board sort of so we will see. I've told him he has to help himself there's only so much I can do.

Good luck I hope he actually does make some changes

Still glad he's at work tomorrow though

Tinnitus is very debilitating and I've known of several people who have committed suicide due to it.
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-i-hear/201310/tinnitus-can-literally-drive-you-crazy

Is there a possibility that his hearing will return? It's possible this could lessen the tinnitus significantly.

But aside from that, you're recovering from major surgery and it doesn't sound like he's being particularly supportive. I'm really not liking the way he pushed you into sex before you were ready after having a fucking laser up your fanjo!

Really sorry to hear about what you're going through. My husband has been suffering with migraines since 2016 - or rather some mysterious headaches that have never been properly diagnosed but which stops him sleeping which makes him incredibly depressed. He's had so many scans and tests but nothing accounts for it. Recently the situation has been aggravated because he's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has put on a lot of weight because of that medication, which has made him even more depressed.

He can't seem to stop feeling sorry for himself for all his health woes - no matter how many times I tell him that others have it worse. He says he wants to kill himself because not being able to sleep and the other symptoms (sensitivity to noise, constant pulsating sensation in head) are unbearable. I gave birth 2 months ago and seeing what I went through didn't seem to help him get much perspective, he is so fixated on himself. No idea how to shake him out of it, feel like I've tried everything at this point, and even the birth of our son hasn't helped him become less self-obsessed and self-piteous. Not sure at what point I should draw the line and set an ultimatum.

Oh @lilywhite286 I'm so sorry to hear that, you must be so down yourself dealing with all that. I'm a sufferer if headaches, acupuncture helped me, I know a lot of men and women but fair to say more men find it hard to be open minded about these things, but there are things to try, this is what I said to my dh. My dh has responded to a kick up the bum for now, shame he ruined the Easter weekend! I think you need to have a chat with him cos it's a lot to take on for us