Dear Mums,
I am new here and dont know all the abbreviations :)
i am really sad as now it s Easter and everyone is with their family but i have been no contact with my parents since 8 months.
We fell out during last summer holidays when i was visiting them for 2 weeks with my son (my husband had to stay behind at work so i visited without him).
My parents live in another country, by the sea. When I visited last summer DF was making it very difficult for me to leave the house.
He did not physically restrain me but they leave in the countryside and there is no public transport.
DF was very annoyed and criticizing every time i expressed a wish to go out (i am mid thirties!) and in the first 4 days of my visit i just managed to go out with them if they were going somewhere (i.e. a supermarket or the nearby beach) but never alone.
I was not allowed to use my DF car to drive anywhere.
On the 5th day my father left the house by bike so with my mother's support i managed to borrow their car and go to the beach for a quick swim.
I left at 9.40 am and was back by 10.30am, in a hurry and scared that DF would be back before me.
I then hid my wet swimming suit as otherwise my father would notice. This is an old habit from when i was a teenager. I would have to hide any evidence of doing forbidden things (even normal things like going to the beach less than 3 miles away)
Later that day DF went into their car and noticed the driving seat had been moved so he realised i had taken their car (even if with my DM's permission) and he was livid.
He started shouting (in front of my 2 years old son) and adressing me with very vulgar names (bitch, screw yourself and much worse) and saying that he would smash my face.
He was red in the face, foaming from his mouth, and came very close to me, threatening and pointing a finger at my face.
My DS was crying from fear and started throwing his plush toys to his grandfather to protect me.
This really left a mark on me. It s so bad that my young son has to witness this. I dont want him to be hurt emotionally as i was as a child.
My father also shouted that "i dont hit you just because you are pregnant". I was 6 months pregnant at the time. I now have another very young DS that my parents have not met yet.
Since that day, I have left the house, booked myself on the first flight back to the UK and have not been in touch.
My DM sends the occasional birthday card or Christmas wishes and called me once on Whatsapp to see the kids via video. She was in denial and understating the events. She basically says that me and DF are incompatible so it s better to have no contact.
She is in denial about my father being a bully and calls his violent traits "incompatibility' as it is too painful for her to accept the truth of living with an abusive man.
We were messaging recently and she said that the physical hitting never happened in our childhood, then she conceded that maybe hitting happened just once but DM stopped DF immediately so we were never hurt as kids. I recall being hit with a spoon, or slaps and kicks very regularly. and my brother much more than me.
My brother says that "we know how DP are" and they wont change so i should just put up with it and not "try to change them".
I dont believe i m trying to change them, just asking for basics things like going out on my own as an adult or going for a swim during a two weeks holiday.
My DF was always unpredicatble and quite aggressive, especially when we were teenagers and also shouting and controlling towards DM, who is very introvert and softspoken and is afraid to stand up to him.
DF had a sadistic abusive father and being in the military professionally made him very inflexible and authoritarian.
DF has continued being very maipulative also as an adult.
I wanted to get married in my own country but he forbid me to come back home and instructed i should get married in the UK, since he didnt want to be bothered with dealing with a lot of guests and potentially having people upset for not being invited, as in our country we have quite big and expensive weddings (he knew that if i got married in the UK there would be less guests and he wanted a smaller wedding and less headaches (for him). And less cost (even if me and DH paid 100% of it, but DF is very opinionated and mingles in our affairs and criticise how we spend our money. For example if i go on holiday, i dont tell DF, as he thinks that we amuse ourselves too much or spend too much. We are fsr from lavish. I am actually super careful with money.
DF is himself very tight with money, inspite of being very wealthy.
On one painful occasion, DF invited me and DH for dinner but told me that i could only order the cheapest pizza on the menu and instructed me to tell DH that he should do the same (rather than choosing a meal he fancied).
My DH says it s a good thing that i am no contact, but he sees how it s affecting me as i miss having a family who i wish could support me (especially as i live here and have not much help or emotional support with 2 young kids and work really long hours in a demaning job). DH thinks that long term it would be good for me to go low contact instead of no contact i.e. only visit DP together, not on my own, and not stay at their house but rent somewhere nearby, so that we have freedom of movement. And renting our own car when (if) we fly over to visit. This way i wouldnt have any feeling of guilt about being NC (DF has some cardiac issues)
I am also seeing a psychotherapist but she is mostly listening and confirming that my father is abusive but i am not making much progress in terms of dealing with my sadness and anger. I wonder if CBT would be more effective.
Basically i still leave in fear of my DF and i wish i could stand up to him as an adult and have an adult to adult relatiosnhip with him.
I also have a lot of anger and feel my mother should have tried harder to protect me. She gets away as a victim and asking for pity but since she was an adult i consider her also co-responsible for the abuse.
She comes from a generation and a cultural background where women were doing what they were told (even if she is far better educated than him, she always had a good salary and a university degree).
I am very keen not to repeat the old patterns of being abused as now i have my own kids.
I wonder if there is any good way of staying in touch with DP but stopping them from being coercive and controlling my physical freedom and my mind.
Or is NC the only way?
Sorry for the long post :-) thanks for reading till now