Help me stop this behaviour without starting WW3! Please!

[youarenotkiddingme]

My relationship with my sister is strained.
I've commented on threads over the years about it.
But I learnt from a very young age to passively disengage and have very limited contact.

Interestingly my cousins and friends actually have over the past decade or so spoken out about how they hate the fact she's allowed to be so rude to me and I'm not allowed to comment.

My DS (14) finds her very difficult to be around as she also makes comments to him.

She's clever and sly to the point she can make out you are in the wrong even when she directly insults you in front of an audience.

Today we were at a extended family BBQ. Ds was due his medication. It's in a small box that isn't transparent so it's just a box iyswim?

I went inside where he was and said it was due and to go and get it. I was preparing the drink in kitchen. I'd called him to me and said it quietly so no one knew what he was doing.

Ds walked to where I'd been sat in garden and got box out of backpack to bring to me.

One of my cousins joked asking him if he'd bought his own packed lunch too. (Hes an athlete so it's a standing joke how much he eats compared to how thin he is!)
Ds just said "no it's my medicine"

So my sister then starts (loudly) telling him off because he shouldn't be getting it out in front of everyone and making a fuss about his medical problems and why does he need to make such a fuss.
Literally the 4 people sat there were the only ones who'd seen him and then about 15 other people's attention was drawn to him.

He was embarrassed and upset. He has ASD and was totally confused by what he was meant to have done.

To lighten his mood I just joked quietly (my aunt stood next to me didn't hear) that he'd done nothing and he should be proud it had taken 2 hours to wind her up today rather than 2 minutes

It all sounds so bloody ridiculous written down and it is as embarrassing to be there as I'm sure it sounds.

Literally it should have stopped at "my medication" when only 2 people who didn't know would have known what was in box.

There must be a way I've not yet learnt to stop this. I don't want ds being upset or becoming her next target and victim as I know how it feels.

Why are you in contact with this poisonous bitch? What positives does she bring to your life?

I'm not in contact as such. But we come across each other at family events.

I make no effort to initiate conversation with her (which sounds horrid I know).

She just can't seem to help herself 🙄

Everyone who did hear would have been squirming in her behalf. She clearly has difficulties with her social skills.

You might be right - hence comments made o we the last years. Always started by extended family but definitely seem to be sympathetic to my situation!

Tbh i think its one thing to be able to ignore or disengage when shes rude to you but when shes rude to your child, then i think its more appropriate to say something. Its like watching an adult bully a child, shes vial. I wonder if you need a few standard lines that you say to her when shes behaving this way. I also wonder if you stood up for yourself if she would stop as she may just presume you wont retaliate as you never have.

He did no such thing. Keep your opinions to yourself.

It's the standing up for myself (and/or ds) that causes it to become bigger iyswim?

The ones who all can see what goes on won't actually say anything in public. For exact same reasons I won't - so I can't blame them!

Totally agree I need a few stock phrases that can knock it on the head without allowing her to twist it around and make me or ds look even worse.

If anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears

I'd start WW3. It's the only language some people understand. And everyone will be better off for it.

I would just have told her to shut up and not to be so rude.

"He hasn't drawn attention to it, you have".

"Are you still talking?"

"What is it today/this time?"

Of just ignore, grey rick. Ignore ignore ignore. And explain to your son he's done nothing and your sister has issues, do t mind anything she says.

Be sure she wants a response, she wants attention, she wants to wind you up. Must give her a feeling of power.

Ignoring doesn't give her what she wants.

I notice internet trolls go away/go quiet when you ignore, ignite, ignore.

"because

• not ignite

She's a bully. You might just ignore her nonsense and all's well if that works for you, but you should loudly defend ds. Talk to him about her being a poisonous bitch, and make a plan together on how to deal with her.

What a poisonous little individual. We have some on the other side of our family. Shallow, fake, petty, very aggressive and immature. Yet somehow almost impossible to stand up to.

Distance is the answer. And also a well thought out discussion with her enablers.

Tell her to stfu, if she wants to carry on either argue back or roll your eyes and ignore her.
Shes just a bully.

The trouble with being quiet and letting her get away with it OP, is the message you are giving your DS.
You are saying to him, indirectly, that his aunt is allowed to bully, shame and belittle him in public, and you will not lift a finger to defend him. You are, in effect, enabling her abuse, and therefore being complicit in it.
Please, if you won’t defend yourself, at least defend DS.
If she makes a snarky remark, look puzzled and say “ I don’t understand, DSis. You seem to be saying something incredibly unpleasant and belittling, but I’m sure you can’t possibly have meant to be that rude. What DID you mean?”
And fix her with a hard stare and wait. Let her try to dig her way out, as you and the family watch.

I don't think that anyone watching would think that she has managed twist things around to make it look like you're in the wrong. In the example you gave there's no defence for her comments!

What a nasty bitch, personally I wouldn’t be able to hold back but I understand not everyone’s like that.

Stock phrases
“Do you ever have anything nice to say”
“You’re embarrassing yourself sweetheart”
“Here she goes again”

I have a sister, who, every time, if she needs to create drama, takes violent (and I mean violent) offence at a particular word being said to her, or a phrase, so, for example 'darling' (said affectionately and sympathetically), or 'oh bless', said the same way.

Last time she did it, I turned around and said, 'oh, is that what it's going to be today? Okay, done now'. And walked off.

It actually worked really well, to my surprise! I refused to engage again, and everybody else that was still wishing to feed the ghoul got sucked into the drama - and spat out, finally understanding what I meant about the silly cow.

I don't know what I'd do if she started to play her games with my children. I worked quite hard not to allow her to be able to do so. But sometimes it's not possible, I understand.

I will add I wasn't there when this happened. I was inside and he came in upset and told me.

He knows we say nothing because it's easier. We've talked about it before. He knows she's unkind and being a teenager he sees it at school all the time and knows ignoring can be best sometimes.

But I do want to be able to say something that won't fuel a fire if she did this and I was there to defend him. But it's ideas of what I can say that I need help with.

Usually her way is PA.

For example one dinner time she actually repeated in 7 different ways (yes I counted after the first 3!) how great nephew was with a knife and fork considering he's only 2.
Said because my ds cannot use them very well (better at 14 but still can't).

In those times if I say something knowing it's a dig I get told to stop finding arguments as she's just praising her ds. Like I said - clever.

If ds says something about struggling as he feels the out down I'll reassure him he does great considering his muscular issues. Then I get told to stop bringing his SN up all the time as he's just a normal child.

I literally can't win

We met at parents today for birthday (just an hour) and she was fine. Nice to ds and chatty. Nice to me. Allowed nephew to talk to me and didn't pick on any of my comments back to him.

This is what makes it even harder. You literally NEVER know when your actions will cause her to take some offence.

I get what you mean regarding being PA, could you agree and say well done dnephew and move the conversation on. That way she doesn’t get anything from you

Just say don’t fucking start with your sly conniving back handed insults.
Stick up for your child!

I did say "you are doing well with your fork there DN. clever boy".

She then says it every break in conversation.

I know it was a dig because at that time my (then) 9yo was chasing his dinner that was shooting off the plate and gave up and asked me to cut it up.

Luckily my brother was there that day and he's great (and gets away with!) shutting her up!