STBXH and his new girlfriend ...

[Sunshineafterthestorm]

My STBXH left me in July. We were together 11 years (from 17) and married a year, 6 months after the wedding he changed .. lied to me about working when really he was playing golf / got out a few loans behind my back for golf & fishing equipment and was gambling probably about £30 a day (not a huge amount I know but all adds up) .. he just quite simply changed from the person I loved and thought was the man of my dreams to a total stranger .. I still have no idea why.. I thought things were on the up, he promised me that he had been in a bad place and was working on making himself better and we were good.. then bam he come home from work, had dinner with me, discussed weekend plans together and then got in bed next to me and told me he didn’t love me anymore, wasn’t happy and hadn’t loved me for 6 months and was moving out so I could “find someone who deserved me and love me how I should be loved” and so he could become a “better person” as he hated who he had become... I didn’t beg, I cried ALOT but pretty much let him walk out..

I filed for divorce 3 months later .. he would occasionally text or call me saying he missed me / did love me blah blah.. I ended up blocking the number as it was too hard to deal with.

I bought him out the property we shared and have had no contact since Feb.. (when he called me off a number I didn’t recognise and cried down the phone saying he still had a picture of me in his wallet!?) I later found out the day before this call he had introduced his new girlfriend to his family the day before calling me up.. yes the brain is baffled by this.

He met this new girlfriend at a wedding 3 weeks after leaving me.. (Yes I know everyone will say she was the OW and reason he left but honestly there is no way he could’ve known her before, it’s impossible). I come to terms with that and have been doing well, thinking about him less and trying to get on with my life. Yesterday his sister (we were very close so I didn’t delete her on social media) uploaded loads of photos and there was loads of him and his new girlfriend and it has really set me back, he is all over her and grinning like a Cheshire Cat.. what hurts the most is seeing him like that with someone as he used to HATE public affection, he would struggle to even hold my hand in public and now he’s all over someone in public. I just can’t get my head around that.

Don’t know what I’m looking for people to say, I’ve now muted his sister so I no longer see anything she posts to prevent this happening again but it’s just so hard to see someone who you thought was your forever doing everything to someone else that you wanted from them.. any advice or words of wisdom welcome ❤️

So sorry you’re going through this, it’s particularly hard when your ex does things with a new partner he wouldn’t do with you, but, try not to read too much into it, he could have been drunk, or even trying to prove to everyone he is happy (doesn’t mean he is).
You’ve done the right thing in muting his sister, keep on doing what you’ve been doing since you split, keep on keeping on and as you move on though life you’ll meet someone new too, and he may well be looking at photos of you and your new partner thinking the same.
Remember a photo on social media doesn’t tell you anything really.

Didn't want to read your post and not say anything

I think it is v difficult when you see your ex behaving in a way they didn't with you. My exh did this too and I found it extremely bizarre.

Only way I think to rationalise it was that your ex wasn't a very stable personality himself (the secrecy, the lying, the loans) - and he may well be doing what he needs to do to keep this woman. I think men like this are quite difficult as they tend to have low self esteem (often those little loans/secrets are to make themselves feel better) - he doesn't sound particularly happy and don't forget social media pictures NEVER tell the full story.

I know it's hard but it does sound like he wasn't making you happy (hence you not really begging him to stay).

No
Advice, but hugs. It can be so hard when ex's move on.

When I was single I met a man at work who had just left his wife. He pursued me quite avidly and we started dating. I was a little bit concerned about the speed of it all from his point of view and looked for signs of him being upset or distanced but saw absolutely nothing. He was extremely keen to see me and introduced me to all of his friends... until a couple of months later when he did a complete u turn.. He was so desperate to prove to himself and everyone else that he was ok that he threw himself into the relationship rather than acknowledge to himself that he was hurt or distressed by his break up. I had never been in a relationship with someone on the re-bound before and didn’t know what signs to look for but that’s what it was. Perhaps you ex finds himself in that situation.... looks can be deceptive.

I have no words of wisdom, other than to say it’s hard.
I watched my ex a long time ago do this, and it was hard. I just had to focus on me, and my life, and my happiness.
Now I’m in the same situation all over again, as I’ve just found out that my P (now ex) has been cheating for a year. He built a whole new life. He did things with her, that I always wanted to do, and vise versa. The thought angers me.
Seems to me that men throw themselves into things (like PP mentioned), all they are doing is trying to please, create a perception of that’s how they are.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and reply, it’s comforting knowing I’m not the only person it’s happened too. Just wish I hadn’t seen the photos but life must go on! Xx

Honestly delete Facebook it’s so liberating

Pictures can be deceptive and sometimes people are trying to prove a point for an audience which never ends well.

I agree with @Sausage101 - pictures can be very deceptive. He's quite possibly over selling the new relationship to everyone, to prove just how happy he is.

He also sounds as if he has significant problems. The spending, the lies, the behaviour - all indicate that something was going on. It happening so soon after the wedding indicates that actually something happened which triggered him proposing as a response to it, to make everything bad go away, and to get caught up in the high of the wedding etc. But it doesn't last.

The high of this relationship will wear off, it won't be enough to fix whatever it is that's wrong with him.

Yeah exactly, using external solutions never works. If it all looks very fast and too good to be true it probably is and he is probably trying to 'fix' himself with external factors, no internal work. Therefore he will probably carry on his issues with her.

What does it tell you about the new girlfriend that she didn't see massive red flags waving around a man who'd left an 11-year relationship, after less than a year of marriage, three weeks before she met him? And that's without the lying, the gambling, the debts etc

It must be really hard for you and you can't help how you feel even if your head tells you its irrational.

Just try to keep reminding yourself that you really are better off. I lived with a gambler and it ruined all our lives.

He called you crying when he was with another woman. He lied to you and hid things from you. This new woman has all this to come.

It's onwards and upwards for you. Look after yourself

Ladies you’re all amazing, honestly thank you so much. You’ve really helped xx