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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this me? DP not talking to me

17 replies

Kootenay · 21/04/2019 19:26

I've had an issue for a while with the way that DP Sometimes talks to me. He has been stressed recently and I seem to get the brunt of it with sarcasm, lecturing me, talking to me like I'm a bit of an idiot etc. It's not all the time at all but often enough that I'm getting down about it. He has a dog that he talks to more nicely than he does to me, I think he cares more about an animal's emotional wellbeing than mine which just makes me feel more shit. I have talked to him about it but he says he's stressed, frustrated, I'm too sensitive, it's just sarcasm 'a joke' etc. Sometimes he apologises but not that often.

Anyway, yesterday evening he asked me something related to my job field and I started to answer, I'd literally got one phrase out and was about to expand when he cut in, with a really sarcastic tone and expression '

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 21/04/2019 19:30

He's disrespectful.

mimibunz · 21/04/2019 19:34

He is very rude and now he’s punishing you for standing up to him. Have you spoken to him?

FuriousVexation · 21/04/2019 19:36

He doesn't like or respect you and I would put money on him being this way because he is too cowardly to actually break up with you.

Get your ducks in a row. Do you want to stay where you are or return to the UK? Whichever, look for somewhere to rent. If you want to come home, arrange to sofa surf with supportive friends/family.

Wolfiefan · 21/04/2019 19:36

He’s ignoring you until you apologise for him treating you like shit. Why on earth do you put up with this?

Newmumma83 · 21/04/2019 19:38

He was being effing rude ... you made a valid point and backed it up with evidence.

He is sulking because he was in the wrong and won’t admit it ... or is dillusional in thinking he did nothing wrong.

Just carry on as normal, if you are in a situation that you need to communicate then do so politely without emotion or have a good conversation getting your point across without emotion

Think long and hard as to whether you want to be with him, for me he would have to show more respect if he can’t do
It then it’s not going to change and it would grind me down so why waste too much time,

TheGrapefulDread · 21/04/2019 20:00

In my opinion : It’s a power play. I’d let him get on with it. He is relying on you being unsettled by it.

justthecat · 21/04/2019 20:03

He’s an idiot.Enjoy the peace

Original poster

Kootenay · 21/04/2019 20:59

I don't know what to do for the best. I love where we live but I can't stay here on my own yet as my residency is still being processed. Unfortunately this is likely to take another 6-8 months. I can only stay if I'm with him as he has citizenship and is sponsoring me. Maybe I should just go home, my parents are wonderful so it would be fine, but I really do love it here. I was hoping to just stick it out until I can live independently but I'm not sure if my self esteem/sanity/emotions can take it, it's awful thinking that I frustrate him so much and he doesn't like me, it's so sad.

OP posts:

DwayneDibbly · 21/04/2019 21:04

I don't think you frustrate him. I think he's obviously intimidated by the fact you have a sphere of knowledge that he does not. Frankly, he sounds like a misogynistic dick. And now he's giving you the silent treatment because he knows, presumably, that you dislike confrontation and will probably approach him to bring the argument to a conclusion. And thus, in his mind he wins. Sorry OP, he sounds awful.

justthecat · 21/04/2019 21:17

Personally I’d leave and go home if you have good support, there’s no reason in the future you can’t travel to where you want in the future.
Maybe he thinks he has the advantage because he thinks you need his sponsorship ?

crystalize · 21/04/2019 21:20

You were right to say something. I feel for you having to experience this manipulative behaviour. Punishing you with the silent treatment, designed to make you feel in knots. Seriously, leave him to it, get yourself out for a walk, ignore, ignore, ignore and under no circumstances apologise... what a horrible man. Hope you make the right decision x

RiversDisguise · 21/04/2019 21:38

No way to live

peekyboo · 21/04/2019 21:56

Imagine the peace and joy of being able to have conversations with people without being treated like this.

Isn't it worth pausing your future life in an other country for peace of mind and self esteem?

Don't let him change how you are, because he will, if you stay with him.

Original poster

Kootenay · 21/04/2019 22:16

Thank you all, you're all very kind and very right, it's made me cry. He gets at me for being 'miserable' but doesn't seem to understand that I'm sad because I feel so unloved and unvalued. Well, he probably does understand but doesn't care enough to do anything about it which is worse. I know I deserve better, thank you all.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 21/04/2019 22:23

You really really do.

peekyboo · 21/04/2019 22:26

It's a hard step to take, but much easier now than when you've spend extra time being worn down by him and probably abandoned in a foreign country.

Happynow001 · 22/04/2019 08:23

I can't stay here on my own yet as my residency is still being processed. Unfortunately this is likely to take another 6-8 months. I can only stay if I'm with him as he has citizenship and is sponsoring me. Maybe I should just go home, my parents are wonderful so it would be fine, but I really do love it here. I was hoping to just stick it out until I can live independently but I'm not sure if my self esteem/sanity/emotions can take it,
Would you fairly easily be able to find a job in the same field and at the same level back in the UK as a subject matter expert? Maybe put feelers out with agencies now while you are in your current location to see what might be available in the UK? It sounds as though for your own sake you might be better with your parents and working in the UK for a time whilst also working towards a new job/contract in the country you are in but on your own and at a later date.

BTW why is he like this really? Are you better qualified, paid, etc and he feels threatened by you? Absolutely NO excuses, however, for the way he behaves. Don't rely on him changing for the better OP - take control of your future instead. Strength to you! 🌹

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