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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overnight stays

5 replies

Thatnovembernight · 21/04/2019 16:56

On behalf of a friend:

If a father (before divorce and when still
living in the family home) had had big anger problems and been emotionally abusive - also physically abusive in as much as smashing things up and ‘swiping’ at the children - would it be reasonable or unreasonable to deny overnight visits? He possibly slapped one child on the side of the face but the mother was out of sight and the daughter was crying but would not speak about it. She heard what sounded like it though. He was in a massive rage but denied it when confronted. Child was holding face and crying.
He is now classic Disney Dad doing fun days out and saying all the right things, appears to be much calmer. But has had screaming rages for many years and it’s hard to believe that part of him is completely gone. Also classic liar etc.
Nearly all of his ‘episodes’ were evening time and children not going to sleep in a quiet, orderly fashion was a big trigger (amongst other things like work and health problems).
He has a new girlfriend that doesn’t understand why the kids don’t come to stay. My friend is petrified that he can’t be relied upon to keep it together overnight and is generally not competent to look after them (also he always smoked a lot of weed - don’t know for sure but doubt that has changed). She is very amenable about daytime access as he seems to be managing that much better than before and the kids like seeing him. But the newly raised question of overnight stays has made her very anxious. In ‘normal’ circumstances it wouldn’t be an issue but they don’t seem like normal circumstances (her solicitor queried if they should use a contact centre for him to see them for a while).

Anyone have any thoughts?

OP posts:
Thatnovembernight · 21/04/2019 17:03

I should add that I also had exh with anger problems so didn’t know if I could be objective hence posting here

OP posts:
LemonTT · 21/04/2019 17:09

I would listen to my solicitor. There is an inconsistency between saying he is unsafe but only during the day time. He is either unsafe or not.

Thatnovembernight · 21/04/2019 17:12

I see what you mean. I think it’s more that he’s okay whenever they’re out and about doing something, but when it’s the end of the day and he just wants to be doing something else / winding down/ having a smoke then the trouble starts. Like he can keep up a good mood for a while but not for an extended period if that makes sense?

OP posts:
LemonTT · 21/04/2019 17:34

I get it but that’s an explanation or mitigation for him to make. If he is that stupid.

SchoolofHardKnocks · 21/04/2019 21:12

I am going through something similar with my XH, who exhibited the same pattern of behaviour, except sadly it got worse and worse over a short period of time until I actually saw him hit our kids. At first it was just bedtimes, just before mealtimes, when he was stressed at work etc etc, and I realised I never knew when he was going to end up losing it and taking it out on the kids.

So I’ve been protecting my kids through the system from any unsupervised contact, and so far Social Services and the family court judges have supported supervised contact only.

He’s fighting hard though, and I also worry about one day having to face the possibility that he has unsupervised contact, including overnight stays.

Hand hold.

Also Women’s Aid are running a Child First campaign that is both frightening in terms of the history of family court orders but also promising in terms of changes being made.

Please let your friend know she’s not the only one. Big hugs xx

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