Abuse?

[shampoosally]

I've NC'ed for this.

Been with DP four years. He is prone to anger.

Yesterday he repeatedly punched some furniture (a wardrobe) until it was smashed up whilst screaming and shouting at me how I'd ruined his day. We'd both had a few drinks with his cousins before coming home.

We'd been mildly arguing beforehand about something minor. I didn't raise my voice, swear, or be remotely aggressive during the discourse.

His reason was that apparently I 'never listen'. I DO listen. I just don't agree with him.

He refused to apologise until I demanded it and even then it was halfhearted because I 'know how to push his buttons' and am 'the common dominator'. I 'know how to wind him up'. I didn't do anything! He's done this before. There are broken things everywhere. He has never physically hurt me.

Is this abuse? Does this always escalate?

Yes it is abuse and he’s violent, ‘push his buttons ‘ my arse, does his boss ‘push his buttons’?

It won’t get better, I promise you that. Do you have kids? If not picture a crying baby at 3am.

Been there. Never drink involved though.
It led to emotional abuse.
Leave him. It won't get better.

I asked him that. What if someone 'doesn't listen' to him at work? His response was basically more blame shifting and that in the common factor etc.

That was meant to be 'I'm the common factor'. He's never hit me but I wonder if he's imagining it when he's punching stuff that hard that it's completely broken.

We'd had a couple of drinks but I wouldn't say either of us was very drunk. He's done this sober too.

Are you happy to live like this? He won't change so if you're not happy you only have one option

He has anger issues I'm in the same situation, "the common dominator" is an excuse to not be responsible for his own behaviour. This is not your fault sally and I imagine your not the only person he has issues with x

Nobody - NOBODY - should live with someone who smashes up furniture in anger. It's just not normal behaviour and is his way of saying "look what I could be doing to you." Get rid of this violent bastard.

No, I'm not, not if it continues. But I don't think he's taking any responsibility for the problem so I fear you're right. Perhaps things could change if he sought help and realised the problem is his and not mine.

I did ask him to look at ways to manage his anger a while ago. He's done nothing that I'm aware of. He said he has been doing something and it's 'better than it was', which considering yesterday is clearly false, but refuses to tell me what these things he's doing are. so I'd say nothing most probably.

@Lovestruk I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation

How do you handle it?

Does he have a criminal records for assault ? How much time has he spent in prison ? How many jobs has he lost because of his violence ?

@IM0GEN none! No record, has never had violence or anger problems at work that I know of.

Men that smash things in anger are extremely dangerous individuals.
Leave before it’s you.
Leave before he starts breaking things with a baby in his arms.
If leaving means you’ll be broke/homeless/ forced to sleep on a couch.....
Still leave. Leave with your life.

You don't handle it. You get out.
As I pp, it will not get better.
He has the problem, not you.
Leave him.

This isn't worth even talking about. You need to just get out and show him a clean pair of heels. This is not a person you, or any woman, should be living with.

Of course it's abuse.
It's up to you to decide whether you allow yourself to stay in this situation, or get out.

If you stay, don't be surprised if it continues to happen or escalates. Be strong enough to help yourself.

@IM0GEN that’s not really a helpful question to a victim of domestic violence . It undermines her account . Even though well intended, questions like this serve only as another way to make a woman doubt herself.
Most abusers have a different public / home persona.

In that case, he doesn’t have an anger management problem. He can manages his anger perfectly well. He can choose when and where to get violent and when to stop. His anger works out well for him, so he has absolutely no intention of changing , whatever he says.

You, on the other hand, are the person who has a problem with his anger. You don’t like it, it scares and intimates you. It makes you worry what he might do next.

That’s the point of it.

It’s abuse.

It won’t be better, it will get worse.

Please leave him before he starts hitting you.

Oh and YES.
It always escalates.

Sorry @IM0GEN absolutely .
I apologise for jumping in.
Perfect point, expertly made.
100% true

I'm breaking up with him because even though he has never hit me but he has issues which he takes out on me and everyone else instead of getting help. He is violent though and enjoys being in fights which scares me, he Is so oblivious to the fragility of life. He is also always right.

I am going through a horrible time at present and he is giving me the cold shoulder because his words "I'm an attention seeker and fake getting upset" I have deceived to leave him be now and he can have all the time in the world.

It's just not worth it to be unhappy anymore, life is so short and I've just now realised how much of my energy I give him and this relationship and how little he does unless it's filled with anger and control on his part.

I know with him it comes from insecurity and inability to show his feelings. His dad thought him to "be a man" and he has struggled to show any emotion because he feels it weak and girly.

What I'm going through he is too but he deals with it so much different than me because he ignores feelings/emotions until they pass but they don't they're just suppressed till the next time, it's like a wave.

I can read him like a book and he would probably be a great person if he helped myself but that's up to him, I have to be kind to myself right now. I actually feel sorry for him and I do love him but I have to make it from a distance for my own sanity x

You can pm me anytime shampoosally if you need to chat ok mind yourself xxx

leatherflamingle

Thank you