I really dont know what to do. My DH told me yesterday how much he is struggling (I already suspected as much) but at the same time I don't know how much more I can juggle. I will try to give all info, in an intelligible form but running on 3 hours sleep.
Broad back story- he had been ill for about 2 years with gut problems, eventually diagnosed, when just over 2 years ago he started having really severe infections (ambulance to hospital every 2weeks etc). We were told only way forward was an operation. Whilst all this was going on I was pregnant with DS (now 21mo) and it wasn't going well (I also ended up in hospital a couple of ties for bleeding, and they thought he might come at 25 weeks).
DH was signed off work for almost 8 months in total, going back after paternity leave which coincided with the end of his recovery period for op.
At this point I was also recovering from emcs, and being where we live, very isolated until I could drive again. The community MW were concerned that DH was unsupportive and at the time I was to embarassed/proud/shy to confirm that I was struggling and to ask for help.
My mum and MIL were amazing, helping me clean the house, accompanying me to appointments etc.
DH would hold DS, but that was about it, no nappy changes, no taking him for a walk unless I went too.
Christmas that year he finally accepted that he was struggling, saw our GP who gave him Sertraline and said he'd see how he got on. Slowly he gelt better, so stopped taking tablets.
Now 16 months later, he has been stuck in a shitty job which he used to enjoy, but since his illness they were really negative, lots of snide comments etc, he has decided to go self employEd as a fencer/labourer (work lined up so no worries on that aspect). He seemed so happy with his decision, and it was like getting DH back.
He is the main earner, I do 2 evenings a week at a pub, but will likely need to stop as his work takes off due to lack of childcare. Otherwise I am SAHM.
He wont get help/see GP/take tablets until he has "worked out why he is feeling this way" which is fair enough, but he does nothing to help me around the house. If I am home he expects me to do all the childcare, and he can just sit and play on phone. Yesterday I left him and DS in garden so I could do laundry/diswasher/dinner before I had to go towards work...however DS was constantly coming inside to me and DH would stay outside till I had to shout at him to come and get DS. This happens all the time.
I got home at gone midnight to all the dinner stuff still on the table (not put in dishwasher) DS clothes strewn all over sofa, DS in my bed (this happens every friday/Saturday night when I am at work).
So I have to disturb DS to be able to get into bed. Then I do all the night time waking (DH says because DS still BF that's why it's pointless him doing it) and then I have been up since 5 with DS who has now gone back to sleep with DH and I have come downstairs to do laundry as I cannot sleep (although knackered).
I honestly don't know how to help...I have suffered with my own MH problems for years, so it's not that I don't understand, however I don't know how to tell him how much I am struggling/need help myself without making him feel worse and shut down further. I think if he was willing to get help it would help me as then maybe things would get easier eventually.
I feel like my work load just keeps growing, I will be doing all his paperwork etc, and I am longing for jut one nights uninterrupted sleep, to not feel so constantly touched out, to have time to be me. DH has an evening a week out at a friends, he takes the dog on walks for several hours at a time at the weekend, and I'm always left holding the toddler (who I love don't get me wrong) and on the odd occasion I insist DH takes DS to his mum's/ out etc, if he comes back and all I've done is sleep or chill, I get snide comments about the state of the house.
How do I move forward? I love DH, and I am not going to leave him, but my MH is starting to struggle, and I dont know how to help him.