Husband critical & nasty when drinks

[Questions20]

Hello, would just like some advise please. Been with my husband for 5 years, I do love him very much & do honestly try to be a good wife. He works really hard & I appreciate everything he does for us. He is a lovely man & do feel lucky to have him.

We went out for his birthday meal & drinks last night. I said on the way there please don’t drink too much so the night gets ruined. As when he drinks he often starts with me. Nothing physical just spiteful comments or name calling. Most of the night was fine until we got of the train. Once we got home he went straight to bed & i’ve slept on the sofa. Just laying here upset trying to work out why he does that to me. It’s at a point where I’m at the end of patience with this, I can’t keep taking it and feeling so sh$t about myself.

He has asked why we never go out drinking anymore the way we used to. I’ve explained it’s because I can almost guarantee what will be the outcome.

Can you please give me advise for how I can tell him how he is making me feel without me coming across as a naggy wife. I know by me being too critical it’s not the right approach.

I'm sorry OP
It sounds to me like your DH shouldn't drink but you can't decide that for him unfortunately. You shouldn't be afraid to go out or have to put up with abuse. Have you been able to talk about it when he hasn't been drinking? Does he acknowledge the problem?
Is he willing to do something about it?
Putting up with abuse usually leads to more abuse. Not sure if you have DC but if not I would put plans to have any on hold until this is sorted (either way).

He is verbally abusive to you when drunk. He knows this yet continues to want to drink and tries to make you do the same.

how I can tell him how he is making me feel without me coming across as a naggy wife. I know by me being too critical it’s not the right approach.

You sound like a total pushover. He doesn't care that he comes across as abusive yet your worried to be nagging? Come on now.

Thank you.

I have raised it before & said I won’t go out with him if he is going to drink. I think I’m going to have to do that again and just refuse to go out with him if he wants to drink and really stick to it.

He knows he drinks quite a bit when he goes out. When he goes out with his friends he is fine. He only starts when he is out with me.

Can’t keep feeling like this. It ruins what are nice times.

It's who he really is - he just manages to hide it when he's sober. What kind of life do you have with him and how is he when he's sober? You do seem to be walking on eggshells around him.

When he goes out with his friends he is fine. He only starts when he is out with me.

So it is a choice he is making.

He is a lovely man & do feel lucky to have him

Umm - sorry but he's not lovely. He shouldn't be spiteful towards you whether he's drunk or sober.

How much does he drink over a month?

My ex was an alcoholic and it ended our marriage. He was so vicious when he drank in the things that he said. He didn't always remember his behaviour. I got so fed up I filmed it to show him what he was like.

He'd go on rampages when drinking and then in the mornings didn't acknowledge any part of it. I was glad that I could show him what he was like so he didn't think I was being dramatic. He used to say I was over exaggerating etc. But those videos affirmed I wasn't.

He needs to look at why he drinks so much and why he feels the need to lash out at you. For me, he was totally damaged and I was easy because he didn't have to keep up the facade of being ok when he was completely depressed and couldn't deal with the trauma of child hood. None of these were excuses, as I say, he is my ex. But it makes the words hurt less and he acknowledges now he is so regretful of what he did and how he treated me when all I did was love, care and try to protect him from himself.

Only you can decide when enough is enough, take the bed back too. He's already taken away any joy from the night before. He should sleep on the sofa not you, you've not done anything wrong. You can't force him to change but you can dictate what you feel you deserve. It's terribly hard, but the feeling of doing no right, the stress, the tiredness and emotional exhaustion are all things I do not miss.

Can be the nicest person in the world day to day but an absolute twat after 3 pints. Drinking can bring out the worst in people. I wish you lots of luck in how to tackle this difficult situation.

If he was a lovely man he wouldn’t drink if it made him behave badly. Drink doesn’t change who he is. It lowers his inhibitions so he can say what he really feels.
He’s vile.
And if regularly binge drinking he is also a problem drinker.
And you’re worried about “nagging”?

Not that it makes much of a difference but do you a) feel he has an issue with drink in general or b) he has an issue with you and drinking drops his barriers. You say that he is fine when drinking with friends so I'm thinking that the booze is a red herrings and is just dropping his guard. He actually thinks all those horrible things that he says and being drunk allows him to say them because he actually doesn't care how it makes you feel. You deserve so much better OP. He doesn't sound very apologetic either

Maybe you should record him discreetly when he's on a drunken rant and then play it back to him when he's sober and see what he says.

No - your husband is critical and nasty... and it comes out when he drinks. Alcohol doesn't magically change people. It lowers their inhibitions. With his inhibitions lowered - ie, caring less about what society thinks about him - what he wants to do, is be nasty to you. This is not a nice man.

What’s he like with you the day after? Is he apologetic and mortified about his behaviour? Why does he keep doing it?

The drinking itself isn’t the issue if he’s fine with his friends when he’s had a drink. He’s being a dick to you and only you.

What does that tell you?

My estranged husband was vile to me after a few drinks in fact it got to the stage where I started to really hate alcohol and have only just been able to start drinking again because I no longer need to fear about what's coming. At first it started off with little snide remarks. His mates would say something like your lass has put a bit of weight on, he'd buy us take away and tell me I was fat and shouldn't be eating it. He wasn't exactly thin himself! Over the years it went from verbal abuse to physical. I had to lock myself in the toilet one time after eventually managing to get away from him. He kicked down the down, dragged me back into the bedroom to finish off what he had started. He grabbed my boobs and squeezed them so hard then lashed me as hard as he could with his gold chain that I ended up with massive bruises and huge welts all over them. Threatened to lock me outside the flat outside in the cold naked because I wouldn't have sex with him and when I tried to clamp my legs together so he couldn't force himself inside me he would roughly force them apart and start ramming his fingers in before climbing on top of me. Would nip the insides of my legs really hard to make me open them up, the words no stop it your hurting me were a massive turn on for him. Didn't just use fingers or penis to penetrate me with he would also force other things inside me. If i was on my period he would ram is fingers inside me to check whether or not I was lying. It eventually got to the stage where he would come in from work in the early hours and force himself on me then he started demanding it first thing in a morning saying it was his given right and that as his wife I should obey him. He would threaten me divorce if I tried to protest and at the time I was too frightened to leave. He actually did me a favour by leaving me when I went to see my Best Friend for a few days. Called round to see my Cat on my birthday and he came back whilst I was there. Tried to pin me down and pull my jeans down but I was able to fight him off and get straight out of the flat. I'm with someone else now who is the total opposite. He respects me, he never puts me down and tells me all the time how much he loves me and how perfect and beautiful I am to him. He also respects me when we make love to each other and if I don't like something or something hurts me even just a little a bit he stops straight away until I'm ready to carry on. If there's a time when I'm feeling poorly or have tummy issues he will happily just sit and cuddle with me instead. He is the most kindest, most caring and compassionate guy anyone could wish to meet and would've made the most amazing and loving Daddy to our Baby but sadly we lost our little angel on Christmas Day

Lozz, that so so awful, I am so sorry you had to go through that , did you report him, he's not with anyone else is he

Op what actually happened last night? Was he verbally abusive on the train?

@bigchris no I never had the courage to report him. No I don't think he's with anyone else. Though I hope if he is he doesn't treat them like he treat me

@Lozz22 I am so sorry. That's so terribly sad to hear. My experience was very different but I know a little of what you are feeling and its so soul destroying to live with someone who tares you down. So pleased you got a happy ending and wishing you every happiness in the future x

@Pip231018 thank you x