Unexpected part of separation - confused

[MissTerryLady]

I had a really long and wonderful marriage before I found out my husband had cheated. He’d cheated years back but I found out recently. Only cheated once (to my knowledge) but the circumstances and timing were such that I felt i’d never forgive him.

Threw him out but was recently coming to terms with the fact that maybe I could forgive him eventually, and we’d stay separated for now but see what happened in the longer run with therapy etc.

We haven’t had any kind of ‘reunion’ in this time. No physical contact, no dinners together or anything. Only seen each other to hand the kids over and had a couple of conversations. Nonetheless, I was softening and could see a future where I might forgive after lots of time and couple’s therapy. He is desperate to reunite.

Recently though, i’ve lost all interest in him and it’s taken me completely by surprise. I look at him and don’t find him at all attractive. I’m irritated by his presence. I go back and read old messages we sent each other and look at old photos and I’m completely unmoved. I go out with friends and realise I’m having a great time without him there.

I’ve not even been separated for 3 months and these last couple of weeks I have no interest in ever having him back in my life.

It’s just completely unexpected. Thought i’d either never let go of my anger and have to move on OR i’d forgive him and we’d get back together.

Never expected to just lose interest in him (it doesn’t feel related to my anger over his cheating). It’s confusing and upsetting as we’ve been together nearly 2 decades and before I found out he’d cheated, we were madly in love. We were absolute partners and so, so happy.

Not sure why I’m posting really. To find out if anyone has been through the same? For some reassurance that I’m not a complete sociopath who has recovered from the loss of her marriage in lightening speed?

Just so confused and kind of judging myself for feeling like this!

There is that statistic about how women are happier single but men are happier married. Maybe you were happy but in a way that glossed over all sorts of annoyances, and you're now enjoying the change of having a fun single life where you are just catering to you and pleasing yourself?
FWIW I don't think any of this precludes a reconciliation later on. But I don't see the need to hurry that either if you're happy with your life right now. You sound like you're worried it makes you a bad person not to be doing the forgive and forget thing.

Winter - that’s interesting (and kind of unsurprising). I’m just shocked to find myself feeling like this so quickly. He was my other half!

Sometimes when the worst is happening you find how strong you can be alone, and you like it

There's no point getting back with him if you feel like that, is there?

Single - I think that’s the scary realisation!

It actually could be a reaction to the cheating. There’s no right or wrong way to feel so don’t feel guilty.
Just go with it for now and follow your heart 💐

I think it's partly because a lot of the time when you're in a very long-term relationship, you're so familiar with everything that you can't possibly imagine your life without your partner. Three months seems like such a short time but it's plenty of time to realise that actually, life without that person isn't the void you thought it would be. That actually, you can be happy without them.

I felt totally like this after my1st marriage OP , in fact I felt really guilty but bymonth 3 he had someone else ‘popping around’ so the guilt went. No reason you can’t be good friends at the moment unless he isn’t ok with that. I too discovered in my 2nd marriage something like you years later, it does change your perspective and view of someone, even at a subconscious level I feel , it’s very possible I feel to still ‘get on’ and care but somehow mentally lose that romantic /sexual attachment , but like a light switch goes off

The marriage was already dead and the shock woke you up.
Go with your gut.

I realised I'd lost any interest romantically at about the 3 month separation point. He was just some fella I happened to be legally bound to.

I think that if they behave badly enough towards you - AND you get distance from them - then it's possible to acquantance-zone the cheating fuckers at lightening speed.
👤👋

Pics - that seems to be what’s happened. I never thought I’d feel like this. Very strange....

Nearly 20 years married and discovered my husband was cheating. Felt very similar to you. However, I have not been living with him for nearly three months now and realised today that I don't even miss him. Don't feel that he's an awful person but have no interest in being married to him and, as someone said, it's like the switch has gone off

Same for me. Our separation wasn't because of an affair or anything, we just kind of changed and didn't want to be together any more. However, I did find out that he most likely had an emotional affair a few years ago, although I didn't find out until after we had separated anyway. My marriage had been over for a while before it was over, if that makes sense, so I had stopped feeling any romantic or sexual feelings for him quite a long time before we officially separated I think. However, it was really only a couple of months after he moved out that he was picking the kids up one day, and it hit me that I felt nothing for him at all, despite us having been together for 20 years.

It is a bit of an odd feeling. It's almost like I can't even remember feeling that way about him.

I’ve had this with my ex h. I was distraught when I found out he’d cheated. We then spent time trying to rebuild, but at the end I felt nothing towards him, zero, nada, not even slight affection. It was like a switch had flicked and I was done!

I do think that a lot of women will try everything before throwing in the towel, we give 100% of ourselves and try absolutely anything and everything to make something work. So that when we walk away, we walk away with a completely clear head and mind and know there’s nothing else we could have done. So we then feel completely nothing as we’ve given everything.

It was such a liberating feeling for me to know I felt nothing. I was always a bit scared it would come back, but it never did. My exh was a different matter, it’s been nearly 10 years and he often says he wishes it was different. I just smile and shrug my shoulders

I am in a similar situation.

Was very happy and in love with Partner of 15 years, but he had a whirlwind affair and left at christmas. I am amazed, but i now feel absolutely nothing for him. Which feels bizarre. It has made me question myself too, but I think basically his actions (the affair) and how he behaved after revealed that he was capable of causing me great hurt and therefore he was not the man I thought he was. I am much happier having realised this!

I think it's quite natural that when someone has hurt you, disrespected you and deceived you, your feelings for them switch off.
Some people carry on "loving" people who treat them like shit- I think that is more of a problem. How could you feel the same about someone who has treated you badly? You were probably in shock then denial after finding out- to protect yourself from hurting. Over 3 months you are coming to terms with your feelings and healing. Perhaps more quickly than some other people?
Don't make any rash decisions either way. See how it goes- but, I don't mean this in a crap way , be aware he might not wait for ever for you to change your mind, so really examine and analyse your feelings to make sure you get what you truly want.
Being single has a lots of upsides!!!!

I think it might be to do with the affair too. Not do much the actual affair but the timing of it. You said he did it at a certain time/around specific life circumstances that made it impossible to forgive. When a person does that, you start to see them differently, you realise they are not the person they presented themselves as and the trust (and love) can just go. You maybe have concluded subconsciously that you don't know him or like him very much and because you had invested so much time and energy into the relationship, this is shocking to you.

Yes, this happened to me.

It was distressing as it was such a shock, but he behaved so appallingly that basically, he wasn't the man I'd loved.

The analogy I often use to explain it to people is that it's like a zombie movie. The person shambling towards you might still look like the love of your life, but they just aren't, & you know it. It's confusing & upsetting but it is what it is.

Some years on xh's grand plans for his life & gone rather cataclysmically tits up. He's miserable, & veers between 'actually it's all your fault my life is shit!' & 'can't we be friends & all hang out as a family?'. I ignore both & grey rock him, which seems to massively piss him off.

He's just some bloke I have to be civil to because of the dc, but don't find very interesting otherwise.

All the 'good memories' feel like faded Polaroids of someone else's life, tbh!

I try to hide this from the dc, obviously, but don't always succeed & they find that tricky - ds said to me recently 'I'd totally understand you being pissed off at dad - but it's weird, it's almost like you don't really see him as a person at all'.

Sadly he's right . Maybe we're both sociopaths OP!

Purple - we are definitely kindred, sociopathic spirits! You perfectly described how I feel!

Heh, we are indeed!

I recognise what someone else said upthread: once you've given everything to make it work, & it's still buggered, you can only walk away knowing that you couldn't possibly have done more. At that point, you're DONE.

This confused the heck out of my ex. He thought - & to an extent still thinks - that my asking him to leave because he'd cheated, & lied, & gaslighted, was the start of a negotiation about how we relate to each other.

He really struggles with the concept that it was in fact Game Over.

Generally, we function perfectly effectively together in terms of dc handovers etc, & all is completely civil. Every so often he has a meltdown of regret &/or anger.

It comes as a total surprise to him every time that I don't want to be bothered with his personal hoo-has & dramas.

He has a good relationship with the dc, which is great.

Oh god, I totally feel like this too! I was so scared when STBXH moved out that I would find it hard but it was just the opposite. When he came round sometimes to do tea for the DC and put them to bed, he’d try and hang around afterwards to chat but I couldn’t get him out the door fast enough. Kids aside I have absolutely nothing to say to him and if there were no DC I would never speak to him again.

I used to think he was wonderful, but he had an affair and even though he was remorseful and has tried desperately to make it up to me I can completely relate to the switch being turned off analogy. I think my subconscious knows it’s game over and it’s just not worth wasting an ounce of effort on him anymore.

Starlight - Yes! Completely understand not being able to get him out fast enough. For the first few weeks I would clock-watch until he arrived to put the kids to bed and my heart would break when he left. Now I herd him out the door as soon as kids are in bed, like ‘uh-huh....ok thanks, bu-bye now...’.