Any advice gratefully received......

[Hally2020]

I have been with my husband for 19yrs, married for 13 this September. I loved him dearly moving up north to be with him. I worked hard to become friends with his daughter who was 11 at the time.

We now live back down south and everything was, I believed on until I lost my mum in January 2015. She suffered from dementia and all my time was given mostly to mum. Sex wasn't an issue when mum was here because I was always too tired and he wasn't that bothered.

When I lost her, I had time for me again. I suffered badly from depression after losing her as she passed from an accident in the house when I wasn't there. I gradually noticed that I had become a virtual recluse during mums illness. I was never allowed out with friends anymore after I crossed the line getting in half an hour later than I told him I would be. I simply could not get a cab. So going out with friends became a no no. If I dressed nice to go shopping, I was on the pull. Make up again was out of the window. He hadn't allowed me to work, which I believed to be lovely until my eyes opened to realise I was financially dependant on him and still am. I'm given no money for me unless it's my birthday.

He plays computer games from the moment he gets home from work til he goes to bed but he chastises me for being on my phone, he's convinced everyone I speak to I'm having an affair with. To the point I show him the conversations I have with friends on Twitter. He's always making vile comments, I'm thick as pig shit, a dirty skag for taking to men(about football or politics).

I haven't wanted sex with him for over two years now because when he wanted it I would just wake up with my boob in his mouth, his finger poking me down there. It made me cry! At first I'd give in and he would get his way ignoring my tears. I don't even find him attractive any more. He has put weight on and never bathes. So with his appearance and his way with me I just can't fancy him. One night I awoke with dripping on my head and face, I thought I was dreaming but sadly not he was wanking over me because I wouldn't have sex with him. Now he is trying to get me to take Spanish Fly!!!!!

I really want to be done with this marriage but without his wage I have no means to support myself. My mum left me some money which he mostly shared with his daughter, taking her and her daughter on holiday with the last of mums money.

I know I should walk but I'm frightened of how I would survive. No job, no savings and no family left. I just don't know what to do. So sorry I've waffled I've just never told this to anyone but my doctor.

Thank you for reading,I appreciate your time.

I’m usually one who will say how important sex is in a marriage etc etc...but to be honest your husband sounds disgusting.
Poor hygiene aside; wanking over you while you sleep and calling you vile names is completely unacceptable and I wonder how and why you have put up with his behaviour this long.
Your life could be so much better without this gross gross man. I really feel for you!

You need to get out OP contact Womans aid they will be able to advise you on the best way to leave, what benefits you would be entitled to etc. You could read other threads maybe the relationship ones would be best for you, a lot of good advice has been given to women in similar relationships to yours here. He is sexually and mentally abusing you and nobody should have to put up with that, please take the first step to getting him out of your life. You will find that although this may seem impossible because of your circumstances once you have made the first step to getting help it will get easier as time goes on. Good luck. I hope you can find happiness in your life soon

There's been no mention of kids apart from his daughter. Do you not have children, OP?

No, I've no children. Just me and the dogs.

Thank you Totaldogsbody, I will contact women's aid.

DBML, I think I've put up with it for so long because I've no other family. I have cousins in the U.S and that's it. He's made sure by alienating my friends that I have nowhere to turn, I am completely reliant on him. Even though I've just turned 50 and I know I'm not young any more I've realised I can't be stuck in this marriage, I'm still young enough to be happy. I know deep down what I've got to do x

start off on entitledto.com which will give you an idea of what benefits you can receive. You will have marital assets which would be divided between you. You’ll need a solicitor - start asking around, most offer a free introductory half hour.

If he has a pension you may be entitled to some of it.

Copies of bank statements and savings would be useful too.

Given he is abusive, I wouldn’t let on as yet - not until you can get some preparations and advice in place.

I’m sorry that it’s come to this after the loss of your mum.

Thank you, I'll check out that site today x

What’s your situation? Do you have a house or rent? It’s important to get things straight financially.

I’m nearly 50, been divorced 4 years. You have plenty of time to find happiness!

I own my home, my mum and dad left it to me. He said he wouldn't take half if I paid his loans off of around £15,000. x

This is a truly awful situation please contact womens aid and get some support to break free. Life can begin again for you at 50...its your home thats a great start... good luck. Think how calm life will be without him..,

He wouldn’t necessarily be entitled to half your home if, for example, he had a pension which he could keep in its entirety in return.

You must get legal advice before agreeing to anything.

Can you move into separate bedrooms in the meantime?

You need to get a free 30 mins from a few solicitors and get their advice . I am sure this will bring you some strength in all of this . Best of luck . Don't stay with this person .

@Hally2020
Even though I've just turned 50 and I know I'm not young any more I've realised I can't be stuck in this marriage, I'm still young enough to be happy. I know deep down what I've got to do
Yes you are. Better now than in 10, 20 years time when it will be harder.

I own my home, my mum and dad left it to me. He said he wouldn't take half if I paid his loans off of around £15,000. x
I would not trust this at all and would get legal advice for yourself ASAP. I very much doubt he won't go for everything he possibly can - look at how he took over the money your mother left you. As another poster mentioned do please contact Women's Aid.

I hope you manage to get help in ridding yourself of this very abusive person. You have been through so much already and deserve another chance of happiness. Best wishes and strength to OP. 🌹

Thank you all for taking the time to help x

Good grief OP he’s a vile piece of shit!!
You’ll be much happier on your own with your dogs!

See a solicitor and contact Women’s aid ASAP. He will fight you and probably get half the house but you will still have half the equity to get started. The future is so much brighter than this, good on you for posting!
Keep coming back x

Once he’s gone it’s like being able to breath again. Lovely clean fresh air, filling every cell of your body. I can feel it now.

I have never once regretted it. I have met a lovely man who is everything XH isn’t.

There’s lots of good people out there.

Omg Hally he sounds like an absolute scumbag x please know you are worth so much more and deserve to be treated accordingly, you sound like a lovely person please don't accept this atrocious behaviour x best of luck xxx

Thank you x