Please help. I feel lost.

[LadyJane1234]

I’ve always been one for following my instincts and my heart. I’m married with 2 children and feel lost.

I’m recovering from what may have been an emotional affair. Either way, the OM doesn’t seem that interested.

I’m finding it hard to get things back on track with DH. I just feel sad, empty and lost.

I don’t know what’s for the best.

I miss this OM so much but it may have just been my fantasy escape.

Stay with DH and be a good Mum but risk looking back in 10-15 years and think I lost precious years when I could have been in a mutually fulfilling relationship?

Or split now for nothing. Causing pain to DH and my children?

I’m early 40s. I’ve been in love twice. Do I risk waiting another 20 years to feel this way about someone again?

The old me would know immediately what to do. The current me has no idea what’s for the best. All I know is that I miss my friend.

Please help.

Don’t make a decision right now. Give yourself time to readjust after the OM.
Maybe also use that time to think through the next stages if you do decide to split with your DH. He might be having similar thoughts about the relationship.

Have you spoken to DH about issues or unhappiness in your relationship. Would counselling help? Is there a way to bring back the love you felt for him once or is it over?

It's ok to miss the OM but your more likely to be made missing how you felt around him rather then him. If you can start to consider what lead you there it would help.

Any chance of you getting away on your own for a bit or just taking some time out of family life?

Have you told your husband about it?

OM wasn't actually interested, was he? So is there any point disrupting everybody's lives for no reason? I think you're just bored, and lacking any excitement in your life. Something to get the adrenaline going, maybe a joint new hobby with DH?

Be there got the scars and hurt from the fallout. I came clean to my partner and lost him. I still struggle with what I did and the hurt I caused to a man who didn't deserve my betrayal. If I could turn back time I wouldn't have done it in the first place. Sometimes I think I should've just kept quiet about the whole sorry episode and worked on my relationship but I just couldn't do it. My partner deserved the truth. Tread carefully and really think what to do next before you make any lasting decisions. Good luck x

I don't understand? There is no affair to leave for? Om isn't even bothered you say.
But you should leave dh so he can find someone who does love him and is not tempted to dump him for something that didn't even happen.

I think you need to sit it out until your emotion for OM subside a bit. You don't seem in the right frame of mind to make such a big decision. Sounds to me like you're bored and looking for excitement. I have been there. Just be careful you don't lose everything for a fantasy.

In answer to all the questions:

I never told DH about OM. There wasn’t anything concrete to tell plus I was worried that DH may not believe that and confront OM.

Yes, I told DH that I was unhappy and it knocked him for six. We had relationship counselling but we didn’t find it helpful.

I’ve been away with work recently but it didn’t change much.

Well OM wasn’t interested enough to compromise his values and risk his family but we did have a connection.

Yes, there was no physical affair but there was something emotional going on. So if DH and I split up it wouldn’t be for OM. It would be for the chance to feel that for someone else or to make myself free in case OM becomes free one day (unlikely).

I think those of you who say that I need to sit on it and give it some time, not do anything hasty, are right.

The problem is that OM has become a dear friend and I’m struggling to give up that friendship. The last but one time I saw him it really shook me up and I ended up in tears at work the next day. No one saw fortunately.

I just feel like all the joy has gone from life.

How long is it since you were happy in your marriage ?

Did you once have that connection with dh?

Di you love dh?

Because all that can be rekindled.

I gave up a troubled marriage for an emotional affair.

The OM 'friend' said they because we're both married he has to have nothing to do with me as we are both getting too emotionally close (it wasn't physical at all) and I couldn't bear that idea so I ended the already shaky marriage so I could keep the friendship.

Truth is I didn't really want it to turn into a physical relationship but was addicted to the OM psychologically. It was like having a special genie in a bottle that fulfilled my every wish mentally. The OM declared his marriage had taken a dive and we became briefly physical but I knew it wouldn't last and was broken when we finally parted altogether.

I didn't want to go back to my ex as we had problems for many years already, but I am not proud of how I ended it or for the reasons either.

One thing I found was people were right, there is a huge difference between living together and a fantasy that feels so real and special.

Totally understand where you are. There is another thread you may find helpful but no idea how to link. It's same board about leaning dh. Everyone is very supportive whatever your circumstances.

I was relatively happy until I met OM. I think that DH and I got on fairly well but meeting OM was extraordinary. It was like meeting my other half. We complimented each other. Opposites in some ways, exactly the same in others. I have never felt such a connection with another human being to the extent that I enjoy his company so much. When I’m with him it’s like my life has gone from a perfectly adequate sepia to glorious technicolour.

Thanks everyone.

@LadyJane1234 - I can totally relate my emotional affair lasted a year and a year on from that we still text daily and although it won’t ever become physical because we’re married... I feel lost. I don’t know how I feel about my husband anymore and I think about ending my marriage daily. Not to be with the other man but just to be free ... I can’t really explain it but it’s as if feelings I didn’t know I could feel have been awoken.

I’m having counselling but it doesn’t seem to help and she wants to involve my husband in the sessions which I’m not sure about. Husband doesn’t know about the OM.

It’s all a mess and I feel lost too.

Have you told your friend how you’re feeling?

Howdoisortthis it sounds like we’re in a very similar situation. I haven’t told my friend how I feel about him. I’m 99% sure that he feels the same way about me but we haven’t totally openly discussed it. Just hinted to each other. BUT, he’s a very committed family man. His values mean that he prioritises the family above all else so even if he was desperately in love with me (which I don’t think he is), he would never leave his family.

i would try not to see the OM or have contact in anyway. it will be painful for you and make it harder for you to come out this situation.
he doesnt look like he will leave his family and who knows how it will be if you were together even though it seems very nice now as all new relationships do.
you have to decide what you will do with your marriage.the big question is will you be able to recover it and it is very hard to do. maybe you can give some time frame to recover it.
if not you have to let your dh free to be with someone who loves him and maybe you can meet someone else.
it is very hard, i wish you all the luck.

Thank you Bluebell.

How are you managing @LadyJane1234?