Anyone had couples counselling?

[Tortoise22]

After a very difficult year for our relationship, my partner and I will start couples counselling on Tuesday. I've no idea whether this is going to help us but I really want to try something because I'm about ready to leave our 11 year relationship. I'm hoping it's going to help stop us going round in circles with the same arguments.

I don't really know what to expect so I would love to hear about your experiences. Can it really make a big difference? Is it going to be as difficult as I'm imagining? Thanks x

We did it this time last year. My experience was that it was awful. The counsellor was lovely but it felt like interrogation into why our marriage was failing rather than trying to make it better. I got loads more out the sessions alone than together, as together it became the blame game. I think our issue was that I knew it was over & he wanted to (or so he said) make it work. I guess it works for some but you both have to want it to work...

Thanks for your reply @CatyaPurella so I take it that things didn't work out for your relationship? How long did you do the counselling for? I'm worried about it just becoming a blaming session and me not being able to get my side of the story out

I think you need to view it as finding out ‘reasons’ for why you’re not getting on.
Reasons doesn’t mean blame.
Go into it open minded and be prepared to listen and not just talk.

Even if it doesn’t work keeping you together it may help with a more peaceful and amicable separation.

I think it is a good idea to decide what you want to explore and agree before the session. Our counsellor mainly talked about himself and kept getting names wrong. But we are together as a couple and happy (usually!) 5 years later so it probably did some good.

Yes only had 1 session with relate in January. Don't use them they were useless and made us both feel worse, I suggest an independent counsellor

He thinks we can live together for the kids - that’s a bad idea isn’t it? Good for him as he gets to see the kids for 30 mins every morning and kiss them when he’s asleep, someone buying him food etc. But a hollow empty existence for me - think I would be better alone and just get on with things. Don’t even need him at home for practical help as I am the one who knows how to sort boiler, read meters, deal with the car etc. He’s always been way too important to deal with anything so menial!

I agree with many of the above - you need to find a good counsellor with a track record of dealing with the particular issues you have.
I was persuaded to go to a couples counsellor over the issue we had of whether to have more children - basically I didn't want and XW did. The counsellor suggested 'well, try using no contraception and let nature decide' which, looking back, was a pretty terrible thing for her to suggest and I'm just glad I didn't listen as the relationship was basically over by that stage anyway!

I did with my ex husband. We argued slightly less. I felt she often took his side which annoyed me e.g. telling me l was punitive as l couldn’t decide if l wanted children or not

Was that a name change fail ?

Anyway I had a friend go for an initial assessment on her own.

Decided not to bother.

I also read that spending an hour a week focusing on the problem didn't help.

At £40 a pop you may find going out for a slap up meal more fun and It would build on rekindling a connection.

Just been speaking with my aunt who is going through it right now. Sadly, she doesn't want to believe (well, isn't ready too) that her partner is a narcissist and tbh he is just using the counselling to continue to make her seem like the one with issues. As his sorts do. Round and round and round. Same arguments only he has an audience in the therapist. Everyone else in the fam has cottoned on and I think she is starting to understand but...his sorts have deep claws.

I think however, if your partner is a good person, it could be worth trying couples counselling but, only if you are both willing and...actually able to change.