I need to get this off my chest. I cannot leave this guy and I truly don’t understand why I can’t but it’s ruining my life. I’ve wasted almost a year of my life. This will be long but I’ll appreciate SO much whoever reads it as I’m desperate.
Met on Tinder, first night we met he asked to come round and I agreed as long as he wouldn’t try to sleep with me. Of course he did though, so I went along with it. The next day he told me I’d look better if I went to the gym. First mini argument.
From the get go we were VERY on and off. He hid and lied about things often, telling me the girls he was snap chatting were gay (I later found out they weren’t. Messaging a girl while we were together telling her he still liked her. And then after logging into his fb on my phone and forgetting, started messaging a girl and instantly deleting the messages not realising they were going through to my phone. I broke up with him then but he played the anxiety card. He would convince me to meet up and then have ‘panic attacks’ the whole time we were out. He had never mentioned having anxiety before and after I got back with him he never once suffered from anxiety or panic attacks again which makes me wonder if it was a tactic to get me back.
He lied and hid stuff the whole relationship. I paid for him to live and all his food despite me being on benefits and him working full time. He had no hygiene, wearing the same clothes for months without washing them and never brushing his teeth. He even got in trouble at work for smelling so bad. He eventually got fired from that job for making inappropriate sexual comments to a colleague. He’s just informed me today that at his new job, his supervisor had a word with him because the ‘female colleagues aren’t happy with him’ so I’m wondering if he’s done the same thing again.
During one of MANY breakups, he came to my house and refused to leave until I opened the lounge window. He then held it open so I couldn’t shut it and called me a ‘slut’, a ‘slag’, telling me I only want people who just want to sleep with me and don’t give a shit about me. And then threatened to leak my address.
On another occasion when we were broken up, I had a male friend round and my my partner (ex at the time) drove an hour to knock on my door at midnight for an hour straight until I finally came downstairs to open a window, he climbed through the window and started threatening my friend who had to call the police.
In November I got accidentally pregnant and in December I made the hardest decision of my life to terminate the pregnancy. My partner told me to do what made me happy and didn’t seem to care either way. I cried about it every single night but knew we couldn’t afford it and we were so toxic. Even on the day of the abortion, he was messaging me nasty stuff (unrelated to the procedure). Now, he uses the fact that I aborted the pregnancy (very very early I’ll add) as an insult. When we split he will constantly telling me I couldn’t care less about the pregnancy and that it was easy for me and that I ‘killed his baby’. He’s also send countless messages during our breaks saying ‘you’ll never be free’ and ‘you’re not gonna like what I’ll do next’ etc.
He has also said terrible racist things about my best friend telling me he will ‘put him in my garden where he belongs for 2p an hour’. He has told me countless times my friends don’t care about me and are fake.
When I’m with him I spend every day in the house just waiting for him to message and end up isolating myself from everyone else. I stop uploading You Tube videos as I’m just so depressed and lose motivation to do anything. When together I’m constantly depressed, irritated, angry at everyone. I end up deactivating all my social media so no one can contact me because I get so angry at him that I convince myself that everyone is as bad.
Despite all this, I can’t physically stay away. I just can’t. We have broken up AT LEAST 30 times in the 10 months I’ve known him. Every single time I think I’ll be strong enough to stay away, but as long as he keeps trying with me, I don’t see myself ever in my life being able to walk away. I don’t know why. I cannot stand him but I can’t be without him.