Moving on from narc ex and outing him to his girlfriend

[Sharkirasharkira]

My ex left me about 9 months ago for another, much younger woman. I was devastated and I'm still hurting but doing my very best to move on.

I have finally reached a point where my love is starting to turn to hate and I'm seeing him for the scumbag he really is. I never thought of him as a narcissist before but been doing some reading recently and it's like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can finally see the truth. He was abusive, cheated, manipulated and has generally left a trail of destruction in his wake, not just with me but with previous exes. He repeats the exact same pattern every time.

I'm at the point where I want to block him completely from my life but before I do, should I tell his new gf all the stuff I know? I've been toying with the idea for months but not done it because deep down I still loved him and didn't want to hurt him (but I irrationally hated her guts) - now I just feel a bit guilty because if someone had told me what I know now at the start I could have saved myself 5 years of pain and misery.

She is just 19. So young, immature, naive and completely clueless but she doesn't deserve what he will do to her. What he has already done that she is blissfully ignorant of. No one does!

Problem is, I know it's probably an empty threat but he has a lot of intimate pictures and videos of me from our relationship and he has threatened to post them all over Facebook if I put him. I know it's illegal but that won't make my friends and family unsee it once it's out there.

Should I risk it? Is it worth it? Or should I just block on everything and walk away, knowing that he will destroy someone else?

No. Please don’t contact her.

People can be different with different partners. I’ve had lovely ex’s who have been horrible to their next partner and a horrible ex who treated his next partner wonderfully.

You risk bringing all kinds of trouble to your door, even violence from her or him etc if you slag him off.

Move on with dignity.

The photos and videos are a separate issue and you might need advice from the police if he is threatening you about posting them. I doubt he would as it’s now an offence that carries a prison term.

Definitely leave it, it will only make you feel better for a minute

That's awful he threatened that about the photos and videos, not sure what to say about that

Just walk away. Also get some legal advice about the videos and photos

How do you what he was like with his previous exes?

I doubt you’d have believed anyone who’d tried to warn you off when you were with him, most of us are excellent at sticking our fingers in our ears, I definitely was, and when I was 19 I was with a complete arsehole and everyone tried to tell me but we were sooo in love and he was going to be different with me so I had to find out for myself.

No @OP, I would keep quiet. She is 19 and naïve, she won’t believe you and you’ll come across as the jealous ex who’s trying to ‘poison’ her against him. I don’t know how old your ex is but needless to say the novelty will probably ware off for her soon and she’ll see him for the creep that he is!

If he is a narcissist she will only see and hear what he wants her to - the same as when you were with him. Also she's very unlikely to believe an angry Ex: would you have if at the beginning of your relationship someone had tried to warn you off? Count your blessings you are no longer with him and get on with your own life without him in it.

Regarding the intimate pictures/videos you will need to get legal advice about that - he has no right to threaten you in this way.

Also I would take some time to yourself and build some emotional barriers before embarking on another relationship to give yourself time to heal. Good luck OP.

Get legal advice on the photo's/videos, do not engage with the new GF- it will probably just paint him in a better light and you as the crazy ex. Block/delete him on everything and move on x

I wouldn't know where to start with the pics/videos! I didn't think they could do anything until he actually does something with them. None of his threats are in writing either (texts etc) so I can't prove it.

I can prove everything else. I have pictures, videos and messages of him cheating, slagging her off behind her back, having std's etc. I am quite friendly with his exes now because we have all been abused by him in the same way - a lot of it I didn't know until very recently but I really think if I had known what I know now early on I would have run the other way, having already been in an abusive relationship before. He is early 30's. He doesn't even seem to particularly like her I think she's just a good trophy gf - I honestly don't believe he is capable of real love, he is far too selfish sadly.

I was very angry for a time but I'm actually past that now. I just feel really sorry for her, she has no idea what she's in for. I also think she is vulnerable (just his type!) as she's had eating disorders and MH issues. He will destroy her.

Is he a physical threat to her, IE is he violent? If so I would definitely warn her about that, whether she believes you or not is up to her but I couldn't rest easy knowing that a young girl (which she essentially is) was going to be in a vulnerable position.

If he's not violent but is abusive in other ways I'd leave it, his mask will slip eventually.

I'm not downplaying emotional abuse btw, just saying that unless she's in direct danger then you shouldn't be putting yourself in the firing line for any more of his shit.

He's not violent (at least he never was to me) but his ex claims he raped her - having sex with her when she was asleep or out of it on medication. He did actually tell me that he was going to 'push for' the things he wants sexually that she doesn't like, because that's what he wants in a gf. He is making her get a coil because it's 'easier for him' ie, he doesn't have to worry about her missing a pill and then he can have sex with her all month without worrying about periods etc

I think the fact that all of his exes hate him, have ptsd and have needed therapy after him speak volumes. Now that my anger has cooled and I can be more rational I feel very uneasy about not at least trying to tell her the truth. Even indirectly.

I have a narc ex who was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive and I absolutely went out of my way to warn the woman he met after me. Personally I felt a sense of responsibility to do my best to ensure nobody else went through what I did, but I wouldn't nessecarily advise others to do the same because it can be inviting trouble back to your door and only you know what the implications may be of you decided to say something.

In my case she didn't believe a word of it until he did similar to her but my conscience was clear.

Totally understand you wanting to say something, but unless you think she's in danger then if I were you I would concentrate on yourself and your own healing. He sounds absolutely terrible and you're better off as far away from him and associated drama as possible.

If you insist on doing this then do it directly and be to the point. Any other way just means she won’t believe it or you will cause her distress and anxiety. She has MH issues and need to think that bit through.

But really why are you doing this? You are making your life all about him again and you don’t seem to have a goal that isn’t about him or you. How do you think you are going to help her.

If he was with you for 5 years, and has had previous girlfriends (plural), what age is he?

No. She won't believe you and he will have every excuse in the book and will have changed if she asks him about it. She'll sadly have to find out for herself.

Early 30's - he has dc's with one of them