Ex lying to children

[Sally2791]

Recently divorced after years of controlling coercive behaviour from ex H .3 teenage children.Verbal abuse and Gaslighting, some physical abuse . He has had a new woman for over a year, and introduced her to children in the last few weeks.
They found her ok,bit dull and slightly uncomfortable as ex H still lives in the marital home which is up for sale and she is there when they visit him. Children live with me,but have regular nights with him. Ex had planned to take two of them (oldest away at university) on holiday. One child in the presence of the other asked if new GF would be going on the holiday and was told she wouldn't.
Elder ds decided not to go on hols with his df he is old enough to make his own choices. When ex collected younger ds, GF was in the car and went on the holiday. So ds was without siblings, made the best of it but afterwards confronted his df and asked why he had lied about the GF. Exh then told him he had never said she wasn't coming! All 3 dc disgusted with how he handled this.
I had years of it. If there was something he wanted to do, he would do it regardless of my feelings. He would wait until I went away eg work trips and do things in the house that he knew I wouldn't like, rather than have an adult conversation and risk not getting his way. He would deny doing things that he obviously had done,and many other examples of gaslighting but stupidly I never imagined he would do it to the dc.
Ex h has been very difficult about the divorce, is not complying with the financial order (possibly going to court) he is horrified that I've applied to cms for maintenance -he hadn't offered any and my solicitor said it was pointless trying to negotiate with him.
Sorry for the long ramble, I am angry with ex but not sure whether to speak to him about this. He has been on several holidays just himself and GF,I think he should have been able to manage less than a week with just his son,as that is what he had specifically said was happening when asked.
All three children know he "isn't normal " -their words. It's the lying about lying that has really caused an issue

I don’t think talking to him will cause him to change - it hasn’t so far, but I’d send him an email saying the youngest child did not appreciate being lied to or put in that situation.
Then when youngest child doesn’t want to go again, he cannot claim that you have influenced them in any way.

I think if your kids are aware of his behaviours and unaccepting of them, then you should maybe leave them to it. ExH relationship with his kids is no longer your concern and if he wants to eff that up then leave him to it. However if your DC were struggling with his behaviour all you could do is support THEM and give them the tools to understand and manage, whether that is counseling or just information online. Encourage them to communicate with you and just support them no matter what.

I don't think you can do anything really other than be the constant and reliable parent.

The hard bit is not badmouthing your XH. But 'oh I know how difficult it is' is a comment on the behaviour, not the person.

And if youngest DS decides never to go away with him again, you can help him find ways to tell his DDad - and he has DBro witnesses to the lie last time who might be even more effective at pointing out exactly where the difficulty is (nothing like a straight-talking oreferabky sarcastic teen for giving both barrels).

If they like the GF usually, remind them to tell her that she's not the problem, it's the lie. She's in a bad enough situation (as he clearly hasn't changed) without leaving leeway for him to twist things to make it her fault not his. The DC can make that considerably harder to achieve when it is stuff about them

Rant on here but don’t try and talk to your Ex, it would be pointless and deep down you know this . As hard as it is to watch, it is better for your children in the long run to know the person they are dealing with. You should invest your energies where it will benefit your children the most and that’s accepting who their father is.

You need to work on disengaging from your twat of an Ex, nothing positive will come from being sucked into his twattery. Lead by example and hopefully your children will learn and not be as hurt by his behaviour in the future.

Disengage, disengage, disengage.

Thank you all, I do need to disengage. He has many times over the years reeled me in by being an utter twat. I suspect his bad behaviour will escalate because that's usually what happens if I don't bite I initially,but they are seeing him for what he is and they know I am always 100% here for them. Just sad that they have low expectations of him and he can't even meet them.

My ex husband is much the same but our children are very young which makes the dynamics different.

You carnt do anything to change him, its his pattern of behaviour. Unfortunately you just have to allow things to unfold. Yes the children will be hurt with his lies, but you can not protect them each time. I think you unfortunately have to allow them to see him for what he is, they will then make their own mines up what they want to do with that information.

My children at the age of 4 and 5 already know their father isnt quite right. I have never said anything but i know they know. It will unfold and unravel naturally, just make it clear that your always there for them and that they can talk about their father to you if they want to.