DH has gone off sex

[nosex51]

DH and I are in early 50s, we used to have a good sex life but all has gone wrong lately. We are hardly having sex at all. There are quite a few factors in this.

DH seems to have always needed me to make the first move. I am nearing menopause and think my sex drive has declined a little, so that is one reason. I am still interested though but DH rarely if ever seems to have any sexual interest.

He is often very tired so goes to bed early eg 9pm and is quite often asleep when I go to bed (not late). He never seems to feel like he's had enough sleep. This impacts on his energy levels and seems to have wiped out his sex drive.

We have two teenage SEN children often around the house which is an inhibiting factor. We don't get much time to ourselves.

Also i have had issues with contraception (I know it's not likely at my age but still have to be careful) - I had to give up on the coil, can't use hormonal methods as cause mood problems, couldn't use the cap, so we are left with condoms which DH finds a complete turn-off. This has been a major factor. Periods are dragging on irregularly so menopause is still a way off!

Not sure what I'm asking really but how common is this situation in your 50s? Can we get our sex life back?

He could always get the snip. Would he be open to that.

I think get that sorted then work on the rest. He can't just depend on you making the first move all the time. It's a lazy way to think.

Plus time together is important as well. Is there any way couple time could be organised so you can reconnect?

Why get the snip in your 50s! Go to the dr and get blood tests to see if you’re in menopause. Then take it from there. I know, you can get out of ‘the habit’, but a little rejigging of your routine could bring it back.

And your situation is probably quite common!

He is adamant he's not having the snip too! He has almost never initiated sex. In a past relationship he says he was frequently rejected which he doesn't seem to have got over. It makes you feel unattractive when no moves are ever made!

I expect it's not uncommon - we could definitely do with more time together. We do get respite for one child but not both, so time on our own is a rarity. I must try to arrange it somehow.

Sounds like intimacy outside the bedroom is your starting place.

As for the comment about vasectomy, I think that’s a ridiculous suggestion at his age

I think you need to get him to the GP to have his testrone checked - being very tired and lack of interest in sex are symptoms and its common at his age.

Second what ittakes2 said. If he is falling asleep like that and has no interest in sex in his 50s then there is something physically wrong and he needs to be checked out. Certainly he needs his testosterone checked, but there are other things like diabetes that he also needs to be tested for as they could produce similar symptoms.

Just be prepared for a bit of a battle as, in my experience, not all GPs are very sympathetic to male problems.

Have a look at www.androids.org.uk/forum/

Thank you - he has had a diabetes check recently as well as other bloods which were normal, but I'm not sure testosterone has been checked. I will see if I can get him to look into it. He's just gone to bed now. I agree he is too young to be this tired.

I know this is standard for MN, but I don't suppose there's an OW?

I’m not sure it is that unusual to be that tired at 50 with two Sen children / teens about etc. I feel that way now and I’m 38 with one Sen child. It’s so exhausting and relentless and you end up feeling you don’t have any time to yourself.

There’s a lot of feeling on mumsnet that people with low sex drives need fixing but for some people that is just normal for them. It is difficult if the other partner doesn’t feel the same though; it’s hard for both to compromise.

Or bit D deficiency...

My husband is mid fifties and we have four children, a baby grandchild who lives with us, he works full time and does martial arts twice a week. He is ever in bed before 10.30 and we have an active sex life around 2/3 times a week is our norm. So falling asleep at 9pm and feeling so tired really would worry me about your husband. I’m glad he is having some blood tests etc. Would he maybe sleep naked and you could also sleep naked and cuddle up once you’re in bed. Maybe the mornings could become the time you manage some intimacy? Set the alarm 30 minutes early? Or have your shower/teeth done and then a quick return to bed?
Speak to him about how he would feel scheduling sex in- so it’s not either one of you’s responsibility to instigate ?

I'm pretty sure no OW. He already takes vitamin D supplement. We do have busy lives with work and SEN children, so really tiredness is not that surprising, but he is much more tired than me. The testosterone idea seems to be worth a look.

Thanks Isadora - good ideas. We used to have some alone time in the day sometimes but this has stopped over the last year, so opportunities have reduced. It's about planning it I agree.