Husband neglects me

[Sakhi]

Sakhi

My husband ignores me & doesn't even acknowledge when I say anything.
I also suffered abuse as a minor. Have been married for over 30 years. No one knew about my abuse until 10years ago.
Husband “not responding” & not giving any emotional support has got worst.
Now the kids have flown the nest, it’s teally hard to put up with him.
However, his behaviour is nothing to do with my depression, abuse & im generally a quiet person & donot go on yapping needlessly!
I’m beginning to realise that actually he’s a very insecure & week man. He’s scared shit of my emotional strength & good relations with my kids. He has spent a whole married life putting me down for that reason. I’m still doing ok & he’s been looking more & more of an idiot who spends his life staring at his mobile/iPad screen. He’s totally missing out on life. Most bizarre is that when on holiday in a different country, he stares at google maps on phone instead of looking what’s around.
Not hearing me example- he’s in the room & is going to the kitchen, I say “please could you put this cup in the sink” he says nothing goes down to the kitchen, comes back up & takes the cup down!! What I noticed is he HAS to NOT do anything I say. Makes him feels like lesser man??
At times I actually say “don’t take the cup to sink”. It works!
Basically his treatment of neglect towards me, deliberately choosing not to answer me etc is in a way “controlling” behaviour. For the first time my therapist has helped me see this. Explains why he stares at google maps whist in taxi on holiday. He’s actually highly incapable & nervous but covers up by bullying me.
Bottom line is that he’s a narcissist! & is getting worst with age as he’s not able to keep up.
His only contribution to me & kids has been that he earns a lot. & he RUBS that IN!
I spent years saying “I’m not interested in money, but in your time & attention”. I used to constantly not spend, save where I could etc to prove my point. But now I’ve given up. That’s all I’m going to get so have decided to use it. I ignore his rubbing in & use his money freely. Occasionally I thank him. Makes him feel big & under control. So I’m using his weaknesses for my benefit. It’s very lonely & tiring situation. But tho I’ve mentioned various times that since I’m ‘invisible’ anyway, how about a divorce. He won’t have it & I know he’ll do all possible to stop me. Use my kids etc. Once home alone, I tried to end my life but came around. Tried to get help. The ambulance came after he’d come home. Confusingly asked what’s going on? They said you’re wife’s not well. All irritated, he went upstairs & never came down. Day after in hospital they told him that I’d take taken an overdose. He told them it was an accident. My shoulder was hurting so I probably took extra due to pain! They still spelt it out but affect lasted only a few weeks.
I’m now trying to live in same house but have my own life using his money. Don’t think he’ll care even if I had an affair. Tho I couldn’t be bothered with that either. I’m worn out & given up on relationships. I seek new interests - arts & crafts, yoga, walking, meditation etc. have moved to a separate bedroom. He tried asking me why? Used his trick & didn’t answer! grin

Why don't you leave?

Your post seems to be all about point scoring with each other. Just split up if the marriage is dead.

I agree with @gamerchick

Hi there @Sakhi - hope you don't mind but we're just bobbing on here to say we've moved your thread over to Relationships. Hopefully you'll get some helpful advice and support from the wise posters here.

You're married, so half the marital assets are yours.

Why not divorce and actually have that separate life?

I’ve been asking him for a divorce. He won’t let me. Not sure how to force it on him.

He can't stop you getting divorced. He can drag it out, but he can't stop you. Just start the process.

You can separate under the same roof - it sounds like you already have to a great extent. (From Gov.UK site: "You can be separated while living in the same home as long as you’re not together as a couple (for example you sleep and eat apart").

He doesn't need to give permission. Get legal advice and start it off yourself.

You don't need his permission to divorce ? Get some legal advice

I just feel it might be lonier & I’ve gone thro most of life. So why bother. It’ll also effect my kids. They’re the only reason I stayed. I’d tried leaving when they were young. Husband told them to beg me & made me promise not to leave him.
I just need to stop noticing him & his attitudes & focus on a separate life.

You have a very 'woe me' attitude. No one can force you to stay in a marriage.

As you have access to money, you can go to a solicitor for advice on applying for a divorce etc.

YOU are choosing to stay. Owe up to that. You came on here to rant, not really do anything productive towards becoming an independent woman.

Sahli, your children are grown up. They will know how little interaction there is between you, they will see the situation with adult eyes now.
Think about life in a new home, not having to walk on egg shells. If you want to divorce, go to a solicitor and at least discuss it

You can't use your children as an excuse!
It will be a good example to them if you show it is best to end a bad relationship.
He does NOT have the power to stop you divorcing, if you think he is going to be difficult re money, start building a nest egg to tide you over until there is a court approved financial arrangement in place. You are entitled to 50 percent.
Go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling, if you waste the next part of your life in this miserable existence you will only have your self to blame, come on OP, start imagining a peaceful happy life on your own then make it happen.

Did you want advice, Sakhi?

@Sakhi
I just feel it might be lonier & I’ve gone thro most of life. So why bother. It’ll also effect my kids. They’re the only reason I stayed. I’d tried leaving when they were young. Husband told them to beg me & made me promise not to leave him.
Aren't you already lonely AND agitated by the current situation though? You don't need to have his permission to separate or divorce so if you want the rest of your life to be better you need to seek legal and financial advice to get the ball rolling.

You really shouldn't shrug your shoulders and remain in an unhappy relationship because you think you've "gone thro most of life". How old are you, actually?

I just need to stop noticing him & his attitudes & focus on a separate life.
Yes exactly and I suppose in the short/medium term you can do this with separate sleeping arrangements, not sharing household tasks etc, but whilst sharing the same house. But long term this sounds dreadfully unhappy and personally unfulfilling to me.

Also do you work/earn your own money? If not that would help your self-esteem and enable you to start saving for a life without him if you did decide to separate/divorce.

Good luck OP.

Read through the Married to someone with Aspergers threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

How old are your children? If you have been married for30 years I am guessing the must be teens or adults now? They will be aware you and their DD have a terrible relationship and probably won't be surprised if you split.

Thank you all. I’m pursuaded to look into splitting. I wouldn’t want to set wrong example for my kids. Would like them to pursue happiness in their relationships. I’m quite a low maintenance person. Just need to sort a roof over my head. I guess, deep down I was probably hoping for kids to actively support me. They’re over 25 & seem to be staying out of it. Understandable. 🙏🏽

This is useful. Actually I had wondered if he had something like that. He does show other Phy symptoms too. But no way can I ever get him to be diagnosed. He’s too perfect accoroti himeself. I’d feel sorry for him if he hadn’t spent a lifetime destroying me by calling me crazy & wrong for wanting a ‘normal’ relationship. May be he has no idea to what that is?

Spelling - too perfect according to himself

You don't need his consent to divorce. Obviously it's a huge step to take, but you've got the rest of your life to think about. Do you want it to carry on like this, or do you want it to change? Isn't there a saying, "if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got"?

At times I actually say “don’t take the cup to sink”. It works!

This is the most childish thing!! Just for that reason alone I couldn't be with him, you've done well putting up with him for 30 years! Glad you're realising you can do better & trying to leave him.

What moffa has said
Im.wondering what ethnic background your from

You've gone from saying he's a narcissist to he may have autism. It's very very unlikely to be both!

Honestly, you both sound like bloody hard work. If you want to split up then do so. You need to start acting like grown ups.

I’m just trying to know/understand before coming to a conclusion. He appears to hate me but why doesn’t he want a divorce?

Doesn't matter at this point what his motivations are. The marriage is dead and he can't stop you getting a divorce. I suggest you see a solicitor first thing on Tuesday morning and get the ball rolling. Staying married to him would be a mistake. Think of the lovely peaceful life you could have without him. An equitable divorce settlement would give you the freedom that you want.