Am I being too sensitive and overprotective when it comes to MIL?

[Sugarplum1248]

First of all, I just want to say that I have always had a really great relationship with my MIL before my son was born. To the point where I would brag on how awesome she was and how lucky I was that I didn't have one of those "crazy and overbearing MILs" that I had heard the horror stories about from my friends. Well, my husband and I had our first baby in June of last year and he is the first grandchild. Her other two sons are most likely not going to have kids. One has never been in any kind of serious relationship before and really likes his independence and the other one married a woman that already had two kids and she is about 10 years older than her son so she's done having kids. I tried to prepare myself for all of the grandparents reactions to the first grandbaby in the family. However, my MIL has made me feel like I have been nothing but an incubator. I feel bad complaining about her because she is extremely sweet and will do anything to help us out but some of the comments that she has made have really hurt me. Some of it I feel like I may be overly sensitive or just overreacting being a first time mom and all. But she is constantly talking about how much my baby favors her son andand everything he gets is either from her, her son or someone in her family. I do understand that she's not going to say that he got anything from my family because she doesn't know them like she does her family but she is implying that he didn't get anything from me. I mean he does have half of my DNA so there was a contribution there. My mother doesn't do that. My mom did say that he looked like me right after he was born when I was a baby but a few months later she told me that he was looking more like my husband. She just says what she really thinks. But my MIL will never say that he is anything like me or looks like me or anybody in my family. I even tried to say certain things that he gets from me and she's like oh no I'm musically inclined so he gets that from me or my other son is really tall so that's why the baby is so long he's going to be tall even though her other son is like 6 feet and they're people in my family that are 6 1/2 to almost 7 foot tall the his blue eyes he gets from me even though my dad and her son has blue eyes. My son has problems with constipation and we werediscussing that the other day and I was saying how when I was little I had a lot of problems like that and it was difficult for me to go and she started talking about how he must have got it from her because she's always been constipated. Who argues about constipation coming from their side of the family? I mean geez.

I've always tried to include her and my FIL when I was pregnant and anytime I would send unltrasound pictures or updates to my parents I would also send them to them. Same thing since the baby's been born anything I send my parents I feel like I need to send them as well because I'm trying my hardest not to treat them differently. We live two and a half hoursaway from our family so when I take the baby for a weekend because my husband has to work I make sure that I don't just go to my family and I go to their house for at the very least a few hours if not for a day. I've invited my MIL up to stay with us for a week just about every other month so that she can see her grandson. She's not working but my FIL is. When she is here I try to do chores and run errands and not hover and give her space with the baby alone. To the point where I start having anxiety because I haven't held my baby and he starts getting really fussy and wanting to come to me because he's used to being with me everyday. There are times he is screaming and trying to reach out to me and she is restraining him and I have to physically take him from her. She wants to be the one to console him. She refers to my baby as "my boy" which I know shouldn't be a big deal but when you had trouble getting pregnant and cried and prayed for a child you get a little bit upset when someone tries to stake claim on him.My husband and I took my son and MIL to the park the other day when she was here and put my son on the swing for the first time. There was another mother swinging her baby beside of us and later my MIL told me does she couldn't help comparing the babies and that when she saw that mother with her baby she thought "mine's cuter." I'm sorry why didn't you think your grandbaby is cuter not mine. He is your grandchild not your child. I honestly don't think I would feel this possessive if I didn't feel like she tried to exclude me when she talks about my baby getting everything from her side of the family and she's also been telling my son every chance she could you have to say Dada first and would try to get him to say it. What's funny is that I worked really hard on getting him to say mama first and he did so now she's really trying to get him to say DaDa.She apparently asked my husband a couple of months ago about keeping our baby overnight and he said that she could so she told me that her son said it was okay and I said well I'm not ready, he's too young. I talked to my husband about it and he said I think she misunderstood me because I meant that eventually yes he could stay with his grandparents but I didn't say soon or right now. Then a couple of days ago she says in this playful voice to my son "me and your grandpa decided that we will wait until you turn one but then you're going to come stay the night with us whether mommy likes it or not." Um, no. He's not sleeping through the night still and even though he's 10 months I don't feel comfortable being away from him for a night when I never have been. Especially considering they live two and a half hours away. This caused a huge argumentbetween my husband and I because I felt like we were not showing that we were a united front on this topic because she obviously feels that my husband is perfectly fine with the baby spending the night and I'm the problem. Otherwise she wouldn't have said whether mommy likes it or not she would have said whether mommy and daddy like it or not. Then my husband made a joke later about her taking our dogs with her when she leaves because they were driving us crazy and then said take Jackson too. So now that gives her the idea that I'm the holdout and he's okay with it but when I've talked to my husband about it he agrees with me that he's not comfortable yet and the baby is too young. He doesn't seem to see my point and just says we are the parents so we will decide when the baby can spend the night regardless of what they say sowhy are you worried? He doesn't get that he's causing this conflict because it seems as though he's playing both sides.

She also tries to make everything into a competition. I went to wake up my son from his nap because I wanted him to sleep good at night and he was taking longer nap than usual and he was fussy about it and whined and gave me a hard time about getting up. We were chuckling together about it and then she said "Jackson tell your mommy that you did so much better for Grandma when she woke you up this morning then you're doing for your mommy." If I had said that to her in reverse she would have got her feelings hurt. So why say it to me? I just feel like I go out of my way to not be that horrible DIL that treats their in-laws poorly or blatantly favors their parents when itcomes to the grandbaby.

Lastly, she will sit and stare at my son sleeping almost like the whole time he sleeps. I get that she loves him and I'm so glad about that and that she's excited but some of her behaviors seem abnormal to me. We just saw her when I went down to visit about a week ago and she knew she was coming to stay this week and when she got here she told me that as soon as we had left she was so upset and that she just couldn't wait to see the baby again. When she first came into the house she's used to seeing the baby playing on the floor or at least in view and he was in the kitchen in his high chair eating a snack and she was like "where's the baby" all frantic. I told her and she ran in there to do her baby talk and everything. She told me later that she thought she might have apanic attack when she didn't see him. She kisses him constantly. And I mean I'll be in the kitchen making us lunch and all I hear the whole time I feel like is kissing sounds. It just all seems to be a bit much. My question would be is this behavior normal for a first-time grandparent? How should I deal with the pressure of them wanting to take the baby overnight, am I being too overprotective? I wonder when everyone else normally lets their babies go overnight the first time. Also, what is the fascination of grandparents getting to have the baby alone to themselves at their house? I mean I've offered countless times and they usually always take me up on it for both grandparents to come and stay the night with us and husband I go out on a date night and run errands during the day so they are alone with our child most of the day. I mean what can you do with the baby that you can't do in front of the parents? I do understand they want to bond with their grandchild and that is sovery important. Some of my fondest memories were with my grandparents but he's not going to remember anything going over there as an infant, that's more for them than it is for him. Is it to play mommy again? I mean when she said that about him coming to spend the night once he was one she also said your mom would let you come if she was able to come but it would be grandparents time and you need to get away from mommy. I totally disagree. My fear about even later when I am ready to have him go spend the night is that she is the type of person since she wants to make everything a competition that she'll be doing everything she can to my son's "favorite" person. I need to know if I am being a crazy mama bear or do I have a right to feel this way??

I think you have to separate the wheat from the chaff-

• wanting to watch your first grandchild sleeping. Normal.
• thinking he’s cuter than other babies. Normal.
• being a little possessive and competitive. Also normal despite what most of MN will have to say.
• having a panic attack when you can’t see him. Not normal.
• saying he’s going to stay with them ‘whether Mummy likes them or not’. Also not normal.

I have no idea why the whole ‘where does he get X from’ winds people up. I would just ignore it outright. The ONLY bit of this that I would take real issue with is the staying overnight. My kids don’t stay overnight with anyone unless DH and I both agree (they are 7 and 2 and haven’t done overnights with anyone and I don’t see it happening soon) on this. The rest is minor in the grand scheme of things.

Stop having her to stay over. Just short visits. You need your space. Seriously. It’ll become far less irritating when you spend less time together.
When she does the “oh he gets that from our side of the family”, you could laugh and say, “yes, you wouldn’t think he was my son too, would you?”.

Agree with @PotolBabu . Some of her behaviour is normal but some is overbearing. However she's an overexcited grandmother and they loose their filter. At the same time, you're being a bit sensitive-and I say this as someone who recognises a lot of the same behaviour from my mil. My own mum calls my dd her baby. It's a slip of the tongue and not a measure of possessiveness . She Kisses her all the time and generally won't put her down when she visits.

I too and difficulty getting pregnant and used to care a lot for my mil until I got pregnant . I used to share some details about appointments, ultrasounds etc. However she'd then ring my DH ask all about my appointments and then ring me to ask me the same thing. She's ring several times a week to ask the same thing over and over. She'd talk about getting to my house before my parents, like it was a completion. She talked about preparing a nursery for dd to spend the night. Not to mention she shared my ultrasound pics with her neighbors and wanted to share it with other family members. She's a natural gossip and prior to pregnancy I dismissed it as the silly behaviour of a bored old lady until I realised that anything I told her was fodder for gossip with anyone who would listen.

At 6 months I realised she was going to be one of those overbearing grandmothers and so I started distancing myself from her in order to set boundaries. She used to guilt DH about not seeing gc often enough even though we see her once a week and she has 6 other gc. Like your mil, she has this expectation of overnight stays which I've made clear is not happening. DH is in support thankfully.

I do wonder if I hadn't had a baby whether a lot of the things she does that now irritate me would have been more tolerable without the baby involved.

I used to see her maybe once every 2 months and much of her idiosyncrasies were tolerable when I didn't see her as often but a baby means you see your in-laws a lot more. It's a huge transition in relationships which a lot of people don't appreciate. The pil's don't mind because their focus is on the gc. But you mind because you suddenly have to play host and dutiful dil a lot more often than you were previously used to.

Anyway sorry to high jack your thread. Bottom line, you and your DH need a united front on all parenting decisions. Your mil knows full well she can't ask your DH about decisions that should be joint between you and DH. I'd also limit contact with her tbh. Or your DH needs to have a word with her

Good luck

You need to set up boundaries and fast. Be assertive. Speak up. If you don't like someones behaviors you don't have to justify it, just say NO. Honestly if that was my MIL I would have left my DH. Passive aggressive comments and actions are just as shit as anything nasty said directly. Nip it in the bud now while you have the chance before this becomes your life. Screw being a doormat. Your DH also needs to grow some balls and control his mothers crap.

The only criticism I can find is that she loves him so much she has become obsessive. But it’s pure intentions. She’s proud and excited and is going overboard. But it’s out of love

Boundaries.
Just say no.
Your baby won't stay a baby for long.
Mines 23 :)

She's ruining this very special time fir you.

So :
Big smile.
Hi mil that's not working for me.

Be assertive.
And if that doesn't work get angry .

Then off you and baby go for baby playtime :)

See her less.
Stop buying into the competition aspect. Stop giving it headspace, he's your baby, you make the decisions about him.
Don't listen to her, just let it wash over you, change the subject, don't tell her so much.

You’re absolutely not being over sensitive. Initially reading your post it seemed like just normal stuff, until I got to

Then a couple of days ago she says in this playful voice to my son "me and your grandpa decided that we will wait until you turn one but then you're going to come stay the night with us whether mommy likes it or not."

Which is a massive red flag. She thinks she can override silly little mummy’s boundaries and wishes regarding her own child and is riding roughshod over you. She’s acting like he’s her child not yours and forgetting you’re his mother and what you say ultimately goes. You’re being very accommodating so far but sadly I think it’s just giving her the idea her behaviour is acceptable and it isn’t. I would go absolutely ape shit if someone tried to say in front of me they’d be taking my child anywhere whether I liked it or not.

And the thing about being frantic not seeing him when she walks in is just plain odd.

You’ve been very forgiving so far and it sounds like you will need to start putting some boundaries in place moving forwards. As PP have said, short visits now, don’t buy into the idea that being grandparents means letting them act like a second set of parents. If she brings up him sleeping over again ask her very directly ‘what are you so desperate to get my child alone in your house for? What is it you can’t do with me around?’ and she’ll get the message.

I think just start seeing her less, be breezy, be busy, don’t make it into a drama, invite her to spend time with him when it’s convenient for you and say no when it isn’t. And if she ever tries to undermine you with your own child tell her that’s not acceptable and get your things together and leave or tell her you’re both tired now and would like her to leave.

Do you think you’re likely to do any of that or are you just at the venting stage for now?

I just wrote you a lengthy detailed reply OP, no idea why MN have hidden it to ‘take a look’ wtf only ever seen them do that to OPs and entire threads not replies!

My MIL is like this. Probably not quite as bad, and I could write for hours with my own examples, but won't, just needless to say, she is very very similar. It also drove me potty.

I was similar, wanting to treat her and my parents the same. My advice is, don't. Your relationship with her has changed because of this behaviour. So adapt your behaviour. This is what I did - decided it was my DH's place to keep in touch with her, arrange visits etc, unless she contacted me directly. His place to send his parents photos. I sent to mine. The distance grew. She also does "he gets that from me/my son" etc and I let a lot of it go. I still argue back sometimes with "well I did..." as I can't help myself, but the bottom line is, you know he's as much yours as DH's. So does she. Try and sit comfortably with that knowledge, just smile, don't engage it.

My DC's are a bit older now - both primary school age. And what comes as they get older, is they will bump themselves, be feeling clingy, feeling sad, and in her presence they will come to me first and foremost. MIL will try to step in, but actually, THEY won't let it happen as they want me. That will come to you too, and is more powerful and settling for you than any verbal fighting back you can do (no matter how passive you try to make it). Those actions speak louder than anything and my MIL has been forced to accept she is grandma, not mum.

I know exactly how frustrated you will feel, but try and stay calm, if he won't settle for her, firmly say, "I'll take him, sometimes he just needs mummy" with a smile and gentle reminder of her place. She's overstepping, so don't feel uncomfortable reminding her of your place.

As for staying at hers, well ultimately, if you're not comfortable that won't happen. Say no, you and DH aren't going to split up over it (unless there are other issues?). If you're not comfortable you're not comfortable. End of conversation. You know him best, but might find if you manage to create some distance that in a year you are grateful for a night off.

What I try to keep in mind is that my children are very loved by MIL and that is a lovely thing. Now they're older and I'm more self confident of my position compared to hers, it's lovely to know when they stay there they are doted on, loved and happy. It will get better, just don't enable her behaviour.

Is the baby really called Jackson?

Your DH needs to show you that you have his support. He needs to tell your MIL in front of you what he meant about having the baby overnight. You both need to tell her DC won't be staying anywhere overnight against your wishes.

I fail to see why any GP ever needs to have a child at their place to bond anyway. The parent bond is the most important. It's good to have extended family but nobody else needs to have them in their home in order to bond. Under the circumstances I would never let my batshit crazy MIL have my DC overnight.

FFS, arguing about who he takes after for being constipated? Panicking because she couldn't see the baby from the front door? She has some serious problems and, personally, I would want to limit the time my child was around her.

You need to establish boundaries now to stop things getting worse. Don't invite her to stay with you. Visits at MIL's with you present are perfectly fine. Anything over and above that is up to you. Your child does not necessarily ever had to stay overnight at either set of GP.

Come on, blooming well stand up for yourself.

I get the looks like dh all the time!!!!

My ds is 11 now and EvERYONE says he looks like me but she still says he looks like her side.

We just laugh now as it’s so ridiculous but it was grating when he was a baby with all the hormones.

I had all this too.
My DC looked nothing like their Dad and his side of the family and yet it was all MIL talked about. They were also obsessed with having them sleep over whilst still small. My OH wouldn't say a firm no so I did. Every time. It caused problems as I expected OH to be firm and stand up to mil but he never did so it made me look like the 'bad one' but you need to be firm or it will get out of hand.
Your mil is obviously insecure and wants to be 'favourite'. She is likely to feel real hate when she knows your ds has spent time with your dp's. Mine did. They are 8&9 now and I still see the hurt in her eyes when she hears them mention my mum and dad and if DC go to spend time with my parents she she acts like a jealous child.

Remember it's the MN way to overreact to her comments and set 'boundaries'. MIL's are the great satan after all.

She sounds like she likes a bit of drama, as many people do and I suspect that the 'panic attack' comment was just exaggerating for effect. She didn't actually have a panic attack as others have suggested.

What I see is an insecure new mum who has gone through a difficult time conceiving and is taking a lot of idle chat around baby far too much to heart. MIL's will mention how much like her side the baby is, it's part of the gig, a bit of unconcious programming to cement the idea that her son is the father (many mothers do it to their own babies too). Your mother doesn't have to do this because you pushed the baby out of you, so it is pretty clear in that regard.

My advice is just to relax and let it slide off you like water of a duck's back. You are doing great.

I feel for you as I am going through something similar. It's not good for your mental health to be around her so much so reduce the visits. Try to ignore her comments though. My in laws are pushing for time alone and I think its so incredibly rude and selfish, a baby just needs his mum. He is far too young. I am not considering overnight until my DC is around 5/6 and the more they push it the longer it will be.
It sounds like she wants to play mummy again.

I would start to say things to her about the overnight stays-that would really annoy me.

So important to discuss and set boundaries now. I’ve experienced some of what you have so explained to DP how it made me feel and started saying no to visits. This week we will have had a whole week off from the in laws and it’s bliss, I feel like I’m starting to get to grips with looking after baby (obviously still clueless but it’s a start!) instead of being undermined, told what to do/im doing wrong, or having to wait ages to get my baby back! I really hope I can have a good relationship going forward with MIL but that will take time as she wasn’t particularly nice to me pre baby, and also will need a bit of distance so I actually enjoy the times she is over/we go round there. Just sit down with your partner and explain how she makes you feel and work out a more appropriate visit schedule plus strategies for what to say/do when she is there and starts to cross a line with her behaviour.
Good luck!

I think the MIL is fine. My own Mother made occasional well meaning comments about my wife's boundaries when kids were young and my wife made a massive fuss over what were innocent little comments.

I think the MIL is fine. My own Mother made occasional well meaning comments about my wife's boundaries when kids were young and my wife made a massive fuss over what were innocent little comments.

Humm maybe.
But not ti your wife.
My MIL told dp 'I wasn't bonding with the baby'
Ha ha - what a load of crock.
Luckily I wasn't a young first time mum ( exh didn't have a mum .)
I was 30 and it was my second baby.
And though I found the baby bit
Difficult I had done it once and knew I was doing ok and the baby was happy :)

It sounds perhaps like your MIL feels she's somehow being "replaced".. obviously that's not your fault but she has been in a family unit where it's her as the mother figure surrounded by men (her husband and her 3 sons) so was their most important and only female. Now you've had your son, your almost the latest version of that and perhaps she feels threatened as if she's sort of retiring? I know it sounds weird but I think people can react like that.

She sounds weird. I wouldn't particularly care who she thinks the baby looks like, but anything actually affecting the baby, such as not letting you soothe him or wanting to have him overnight I would not put up with. Your child your rules.
You are a loving and caring mum, and have been very patient from what you say. She needs to respect your role as a mum or spend less time visiting if she can't control herself.

The only important thing here is the overnight thing. And just say no to that. What can she do? She can talk about it all she wants- it will only happen if you facilitate it, so don’t. She’s just burbling away in an over excited manner. Smile and wave.

For the overnights just say nicely I couldn’t bear to be away from him overnight and I can’t imagine that will change soon, he’s my baby. I’ll let you know though! That makes it about you not them and emotional which is hard to argue.
I’d probably ask her to stay a little less, that sounds like quite a lot. The rest you mostly have to smile and put up with, firmly take your baby back etc.

Your child, your rules. She doesn’t get to have him overnight. Don’t let her hold him to the point he’s screaming, just take him back. Let her know how you feel, don’t mess round.