Opinions on introducing the idea of a new partner to kids

[cloudbusting42]

Separated from STBXH 7 months ago after he left me out of the blue. I then unexpectedly met someone lovely who I’ve been dating for 3 months. We’re both 50:50 parents of kids in the same age range (5 – 11) and live an hour apart so see each other once a week and every other weekend. Things are going very well and in the next few months we’d like to move towards either telling kids about each others’ existence and/or introducing them to each other.

Arguably, we don’t need to do this as our child-free weekends coincide, but as we fall in love, we’d like to get more involved in each others’ lives, meet friends and families, etc. There’s no chance of moving in together for the very foreseeable!

My main dilemma is whether to:

a) Introduce the IDEA of a partner first by talking about a boyfriend. Show pictures if DD6 wants to see, but be guided by her re meeting up when she’s ready

b) Start mentioning my DP as a friend first, and even have him visit as a friend. Let her get used to him, maybe even meet his kids (as she would with any of my friends) and then in time explain that we’ve become partners.

She’s quite excited about both me and her dad meeting new partners, but I doubt the reality would be as fun as she might think. I’m very much minded to do what’s best for her – I’m aware that a new partner can signify the finality of her m&d’s relationship, and although she’s not expressed any wish for us to get back together, moving on a still a huge event.

And on the other hand (and as the very helpful thread on safeguarding that’s going on at the moment clarified), waiting ‘too long’, i.e. around a year can make things more difficult as it’s harder to take the difficult decision to split if our kids don’t take to the other.

Would love to hear experiences and opinions as me and DP aren’t sure what would be for the best. We’d also need to consult our ex partners before taking any decision.

Whilst lovely you have met someone else i’d be inclined to leave it some time before telling DD. Its still only 7 months since her dad left - its not that long.

If me i’d see how the new relationship goes for a good while yet

You know your kids better than anyone, and everyone is different.

My DD8 was introduced to my girlfriend after about 3 months of dating too. I told her about me having a girlfriend first, and she was ecstatic (she wants daddy to be happy). After a couple of weeks we did a walk in the park, followed by a couple of other meetings every fortnight.

12 months in, we're still not on sleepovers. But we do dinner and evenings together at least once a week. She's met my family, me hers. Friends less so as we're all busy (and older).

All I'm saying, is your timeline is your timeline. Just do it with your eyes wide open and your brain fully engaged, and you'll be fine.

I would say give it at least 6 months before meeting, but yes no harm in dropping him into conversation as a friend. It depends on whether your DC would clock that ‘friend’ means boyfriend!

We met each other’s DC separately first after about 6-8 months, then got together for a play date in the park with all the DC some time after that. It was over a year before we started sleeping over when the DC were there. In my experience take it as slowly as you can and always be led by the DC and what they want.

I agree, you have only been separated 7 months, but in a relationship for 3 of those. Considering the shock since your ex leaving was out of the blue do you really think you are ready for a new relationship or is this a distraction from the reality you are facing. You need to be really honest with yourself?

It's too soon, seriously.

Exh and I decided when we split that we would not introduce the kids (same age range as yours) to anyone until we had been split for at least a year, the new relationship was at least 6 months in and felt likely to be long term.

It's now been 1.5yrs since the split, I have been with a lovely guy for over 6 months (also kids, also 50:50) but still am not inclined to introduce him. No need, have lots of time to be just us without kids involved. Have suggested to the kids that both me & ex will probably be in relationships in the future so they start to understand it may come.

Personally I think 7 months since split and only 3 months in is too soon. Just enjoy being with each other without the kids involved, there's no rush imo- have fun!

I’d really like some input on introducing new partner to kids timings when I have sole custody and the kids dad isn’t involved
This obviously limits the available child free time I have to very little
When I’m ready to introduce them obviously it would mean I can see him more but still don’t want to rush things ?

Out of the norm here but I introduced my DD to my boyfriend after 2/3 months for a day out. It would not have been so soon if I had more child free time.

It went well and now we have been together a year and oh gets on very well with DD.

Another one out the norm.
Been split 2 years and introduced daughter 1 month after meeting dp.

I did have a lot of friends male and female so it was just another friend at first and also I had very few child free days.

Met dp kids about 2 months later. His 2 older well behaved boys had a little sister the same age as my daughter so treated her the same and she loved seeing them.

We got married 4 years in and bought a bigger house.

It was like 2 parts of jigsaw coming together.

We have another son together who cemented the family together who is now 23.

My situation worked out well. Though it wasnt planned.

Dp is a relative of my best friend. I ket him at one of her parties and ds met him the same day. He had recently moved back to the area and was staying with my friend. So we saw lots of him. We became friends. Just friends. Ds knew him as 'auntie xs relative' rather than 'mums friend's

I then got my house and he offered to help me move, decorate etc. He would pop round for a coffee as it was round the corner from his house. He would pop in when ds was on school holidays and they would run round the house and garden with nerf guns.

When dp and me finally admitted our feelings and dated, we didnt change anything. He never stayed over if ds was here. Would still pop in in occasion. See him at my friends.

I sat ds down after we had been together a 6 months and told him that do and me were dating. His reaction was 'finally......whys it taken you two so long?'. After talking ds said that he knew dp liked me for ages and wondered when we would be a couple.

Dp has also said that he doesnt want ds to feel that he has to see do as another dad, but he wants them to be friends. Ds dad sees him a lot, so he doesnt need another father. I just want dp to be a positive in ds' life.

In an ideal world, ds wouldn't have met a potential dp for ages. But I had no idea it would happen.

Like I said, it's not how I planned to do it if I met someone. But it's worked out in the end.

I think it's different for everyone. People will tell you to wait as long as possible but I don't agree with that. You want to see what your partner is like with your daughter and an idea of what the new dynamic will be like before possibly wasting time with them.
My kids met my now husband very early on, a few weeks into dating. We were expecting a baby 3 months into tbe relationship so meeting my own kids was obviously important.
I don't agree with letting kids meet multiple partners but if something is going well and you're optimisitic it will last there's no harm in introducing him as a friend.

I don't think you can put a time limit on it. You need to trust how strongly you feel about your new relationship and you know your child best. My DC's met my current partner 2 months after we got together as a couple (although had known each other a lot longer). Had a day out at a local farm and then took it from there. He started off as a friend as at the ages they were (2&4) they had no concept of relationships. They took to him immediately and we're now two years down the line. They have never seen him as a replacement father figure as their dad shares 50/50 parenting with me. ExDH also got together with a new partner and her DC around the same time and introduced them around the same time. I think for both me and exDH we couldn't move forward with our new relationships until the kids became involved in them as our DCs are such a huge part of who we are. With all the will in the world, you don't know how introducing children into a relationship will affect the dynamic of it until you actually do it. This is just my experience though, I had a very amicable split from exDH and we have worked hard to parent in the same way we always did.

I just dropped BF into the conversation with my dc. Then they met him about four months in.
Me and then dad were separated 3yrs by then. Dating was kept completely separate from the dc for a long time.
I would be concerned about the split being sudden and very recent indeed. Are your dc really ready? Our kids do want to please us and to say the right thing. Look behind what they say and get a sense of things. The hard part is separating your own excitement about new beginnings from their feelings of loss and worry and being totally out of control. The two are so different.
Hard but really put yourself in their shoes. If in doubt, don’t.
And really there is absolutely no need to rush.
Me and DP nurtured our own relationship, built trust and got to know each other first. Away from the dc. Am glad we did, it was our honeymoon period.
Good luck op

This range of experiences and approaches is hugely helpful - thanks all. Putting my DD first has served me very well in navigating my new life so far, so I'll just go very slowly, watch her carefully, and see how she responds to any developments I choose to make. Latent and Changing, I totally take your point about enjoying the honeymoon period and keeping it uncomplicated. Also useful to realise that it's a very long game after introducing.

My initial reaction was that you’ve rushed into a relationship ...but my considered reaction is that you seem very sensible and measured and whatever happens, your dd will be ok.