Cheating wife . Help getting over it

[Vetecv]

So for those who have the time . Maybe to share or advise me , here’s what happened to me two weeks ago . My wife and I have been together for 12 years , married for 6 , we have a very pretty and beautiful 4 year old girl. Since her birth I’ve found it hard . She is a lovely little lady and I love my daughter more than anything in the world but she has been a high need child and it’s been very stressful on both of us , I am also stressed at work. I reduced my days I work which helped, and my daughter is getting easier every day now. But our relationship has suffered, I did not show her any physical love , she had told me she was upset about this and I said I was /am stressed apparently it’s all down to the man to make the woman feel wanted, she never helped me with that aspect of our marriage. Well my wife asked me if she could meet up with friends about 6 mths ago but I found out she lied to me and actually met up with a man and they were flirting for days after. I was devastated. I moved out for a week while she and myself took some time out . She then started going running with this man who had a fitness group with others , then she started seeing him with my daughter as he also had a child ( sane school) I didn’t like thus and I said how deeply it hurt me but no change. Two weeks ago still struggling with trust issues with my wife , I then find out she had an affair with my next door neighbor a couple of months ago , I found out as my neighbor was at the door to our house threatening to take my wife and daughter away. My wife had ended the affair after a couple of weeks but mtmy neighbor got out of control and started stalking and saying he loved her etc . Let’s just say my head has just exploded with pain , hate , upset , grief. You name it . I’m in a bad place right now. My daughter I love I will never see every day and love her so so much, she is my everything. We have a house with a mortgage. I love my wife and never wanted this to happen, I really want to get my marriage back but she says it’s too late we would never get over it , she is not even willing to try and help with my massive trust issues. My neighbor says he slept with her , my wife says she didn’t. Either way emotionally or physically it was still an affair and she gat what she wanted- attention. Please any advice most appreciate

I'm sorry OP it sounds like you're marriage is over. Your wife checked out of it a while ago.

The best thing to do now is concentrate on being parents and talk about splitting up.

*your

Have you sat down with your wife and had a proper heart to heart about your future?

We have spoken, we have made some decisions, but I don’t want her to go to be honest, my family will never be the same again. Nor will it if I salvage the marriage I expect

You and your wife clearly stopped communicating properly a long time ago. She should have told you the lack of physical closeness was a deal breaker.

6 months ago she sought out someone to confirm she was still attractive and you found out. She then had some sort of short-lived relationship with your neighbour. It could all stem from the lack of physical closeness.

If she is prepared to go to couples counselling with you and you are prepared to totally forgive her (and never throw in her face what she once did) it could work.

However, it may be that she doesn't want to and, if that is the case, you would both have to concentrate on making your DD feel safe and secure and loved by both of you whilst not being together anymore.

If you are in a position to, you could ask to have your child for 50% of the time. It will be a different life for all of you but you can still be happy and have sufficient time with your child.

Whatever happens remember that everything passes so even the bad times don't last forever. You will be happy again.

Thanks for the helpful advice. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to strangers than friends. If she wanted to go to councillors and work on trust then I’m all for it . But sadly for me she won’t and says it’s all too late . I worry that I’ll go back to our home, be alone there and fall into depression, I’m close to it as it is . But it is mostly my fault I have been working so hard at being financially in a good position and not working on keeping my wife happy.

You can't hold on to a dead relationship where your partner has checked out, has no respect for you and is treating you badly just because it might make you depressed though. It's good you aknowledge your part in this but is this what you want your child to learn about relationships?

Relationships ending hurt, they do and it sucks but the longer you hold on the less chance you have of finding someone you can be happy with.

The only way to even attempt to fix this imo is to go right back to basics, dating, finding out about each other again. Having a laugh but both parties have to be willing and it doesn't sound as if it will be the case here.

You're going through a very painful time and tbh some distance is probably what you need.

The lack of communication and intimacy has had a major role in this - you both needed to make each other feel wanted and desired...it's not all in the hands of one person! Your partner might have felt neglected, undesirable and with low self esteem....while in a relationship that has depression and other stress factors to support but that doesn't excuse her behaviour.

She is not remorseful or willing to repair the relationship - more than likely due to being involved with this other person.

Your relationship with her is over - and I think you deserve much better.

Focus on being a parent and look after yourself.

It's over, you have both killed it, you with your inability to keep your stress levels under control and her with her infidelity.

You need to deal with the pain now, work to coparent well and work on your resilience to stress.

There is never any excuse for a person to cheat in a marriage. You are not to blame here!

Your wife could have left if she was so unhappy. Instead she chose to fuck about behind your back.

She's clearly not remorseful and at this stage it's time to go scorched earth on her arse. No contact other than about children. No begging or pleading for another chance, you are doing the pick me dance and it needs to stop.

Start the ball rolling on your plan b, get your finances in order, look at assets and the potential splitting of, start the moving on process. You need to make decisions based on your needs, not hers. Take care.

I know what you guys are all saying. But I feel so hurt and betrayed it’s hard to describe. My worry at this stage is loosing everything. Then being totally alone with not much family support and heading to a much darker place. I’m only really holding my shit together for my little daughter. I appreciate all the comments. It’s just hard to swallow at this point

I've been exactly where you are, it hurts to even breathe and you just want everything to go back to the way it was. But it can't and that's the hardest to take.

Maybe go to counselling yourself to talk through the things you're going through. Hopefully that will give you time and space to think about what you actually want.

You won't lose everything. You have your self, you have your daughter, material possessions can be replaced.

Please look at the surviving infidelity site, the forum has a lot of information which I found helpful. The 180 method I found particularly effective.

I have never felt that infidelity is a deal breaker. Things like this happen when people are super stressed. They happen.
You can either tell your wife that you have decided to put it behind you and that you will not allow it to destroy your marriage or just end it all. There is no way I'd allow one infidelity to destroy my relationship and I have been there.
However it does sound as if your wife is not willing to continue with the marriage.

It’s easier for her because she has checked out and this is just days fresh.
All you have to do is take everything y slowly.
Don’t try and rush any decisions, you’re not in a place mentally for it.

Can you go to the doctor if you feel like you’re spiralling out of control, I got some diazepam for when things were exceptionally bad and the anxiety was overwhelming (short term only) but it helped.

I know you feel like you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, but there is always a way through these things. Things always get better. There is always a future.

You can’t make someone stay with you, and you shouldn’t want to stay with someone who has treated you so badly. But as you’re fresh to it all, that bit is going to be hard to understand atm.

You know deep down in your heart that if you went back it would be for the wrong reasons.

I see so many people that either went back or took someone back and stayed living a sort of half life. Death by a thousand cuts. Honestly I wouldn’t want to be one of those people.

If you were to move on and create a life without her and found happiness, I think she would want you back. She's hurt because rightly or wrongly the man she married didn't desire her for a while and that must have taken its toll on her emotionally. If she didn't care that would be different but she did, therefore she may still love you. Time is a healer. Good luck

Never beg a cheater or come across as needy.

Your wife done with the marriage, you need to focus on yourself and your daughter from now on.

Another very useful resource is www.survivinginfidelity.com

Work on being the best version of yourself, for you and your DD.

Ok . So here’s my update on my situation. We are most definitely not getting back together despite my wishing to , I moved out to a friends, but I’m moving back shortly. My reason for this is I miss my child even though I have her over weekends . And I want my wife to speed up and not drag her heels over decisions about the house. I have savings, there is a small mortgage on property. I want her to keep house so my daughter has a home she knows. But I would like her to buy me out 40 k and to carry on with mortgage by herself, she cannot afford to do this and is still insisting she won’t give up the house. She could move into her mothers with child and I buy her out 130k but she doesn’t want that. I will be paying child support. I have a home business do need a similar property to carry on with that, If wife can’t afford mortgage on our home to take me off then I cannot get a mortgage myself. We’re trying to be reasonable about all this but some advice would be helpful. Many thanks

Vetecv you will love again. But please learn from your mistakes.

What happened here?

"Since her birth I’ve found it hard .... I did not show her any physical love , she had told me she was upset about this"

What was it about the birth of your child that made you withdraw? This is very important. Because a lot of men find it very hard when 'wife' becomes 'mother'.

When your wife told you that she was upset about this (signalling the problem) - why did you ignore it?

Because then she eventually gave up. And went looking for someone who would see her as 'woman' instead of 'mother'.

NOT excusing her for a single minute. Nobody should try and solve their problems by cheating, and nobody deserves to be betrayed.

But problems are solved by admitting them and looking at them. Before your next relationship, look at your complicated feelings around this point.

Mothers and fathers respond and adjust to their newborn baby in different ways, and sometimes this can cause misunderstandings and conflicts.
Find or schedule time to talk things over and be a couple, even if it's just for a few minutes.
Seek medical help if you or your partner are experiencing any signs of depression.

www.aboutkidshealth.ca/Article?contentid=451&language=English

So sorry that this is happening to you, it hurts so much.

Thanks very much, my daughter is a high needs child and we both struggled with her , things now are just getting good with daughter. I have a stressful job and a part time job I love, I know my mistakes and agree my wife suffered with my mistakes which led her to be unfaithful. Things won’t go back I can only move forward

My ExW did the exact same thing. Moving on was the best thing I have ever done. Once that trust was broken that was it for me. I did want to keep the family together but she was adimant she wanted to go it alone. Thing is my situation now is much better than hers and I will think she resents me for it, not that I give a damn anymore. Focus your energy on quality time with your DD. It will hurt initially not being able to see her every day but you'll both adjust quickly and sometimes quality does outweigh quantity. Best if luck.

Thanks that gives me a little hope

She sounds like a serial cheat. Don't blame yourself. Get out and start afresh. You can share custody of your baby.

When you are hurting from other people's shock actions it takes time to recover. I have been in that situation with my kids dad. Heartbroken and lost. There was something inside me though that made me want to change, looking back I know it was my kids that made me get up and try. I took on board my responsibility in him leaving for someone else, sorted out my finances, lost weight, changed my hair colour became strong not stressed. I moved on too, I'm not saying it was easy but time helped.
I really hope you can find this inner strength. Talk to a good solicitor about the house and money. I really hope you get comfort from people s messages on here, I did in my recent time of crisis. Keep talking.

Sounds like you need to get ready for the break up, make sure finances are in order, access to joint funds savings cut and start moving money out of reach. As a guy who has been through this make sure you keep your daughter as number one priority in the sh*t storm about to kick off.

This is one of those cases where a lawyer needs to sort the finances and suggest options, personally if you can buy her out and she gets 130k then I don’t have much sympathy for her, she can easily rent something very ok and put down 6 months if needs be. If she can’t afford the house on her own then it’s all a bit pointless her staying put for the sake of it. I’m afraid in the interests of fairness sometimes hassle has to be caused and whilst it has no relevance with the law on who wants out, the fact is it is she who wants out , the least she could do in my opinion is let you buy her out and you would then have the same home when daughter stays