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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it abuse if...?

27 replies

Isitabuseif · 18/04/2019 21:02

NC, obviously.

My partner hit me. He was snoring and I nudged him to roll over so he punched me in the face. I genuinely believed he did it involuntary in his sleep and we both nodded back off. In the morning I had a swollen black eye and he had no recollection of what had happened. When I told him what had happened he said he felt awful and I believe him.

Aside from this our relationship is generally good. There’s some room for improvement, same as all relationships, but this is the only time he’s ever been violent and I feel safe with him. Sometimes he’s guilty of stonewalling when I want to talk about things he doesn’t want to but I think that’s a character flaw (he does have some ASD traits) rather than coercive or controlling behaviour. I’ve described 2 negative examples of our relationship but there are hundreds of positive ones.

Ironically, I work very closely with domestic abuse survivors and have a lot of expertise in this area (but only when it comes to others, it seems) so I’m worried I’m seeing things through a distorted lens and would love some impartial views.

OP posts:

NotFatTransslender · 18/04/2019 21:05

No, if he’s asleep it can’t really be abuse can it?

However, I’d think twice about sharing a bed with him if it ever happened again. As a one-off it’s an unfortunate accident, but if he had a habit of flailing about in his sleep, I’d make sure I slept in a separate bed.

NotFatTransslender · 18/04/2019 21:05

Plus then you wouldn’t have to listen to his snoring!

Original poster

Isitabuseif · 18/04/2019 21:08

Wouldn’t that be the death of our sex life though?

OP posts:

NotFatTransslender · 18/04/2019 21:12

No, not at all. DP and I have separate beds (separate houses too, but that’s another matter! - at my house we have two doubles in one room). We just get in with each other at bedtime to cuddle up, DTD and then clamber back into our own bed to sleep. It’s bliss! In the morning he either leaves me to sleep and I don’t notice him leave as there’s no bed bouncing about, or he gets in for a morning cuddle. Best of both worlds. I’m sure separate beds save more relationships than they wreck!

Thatnovembernight · 18/04/2019 21:15

Hard to say. There’s a difference between a controlled punch and being hit by a flailing arm. And in sleep is hard to quantify.
My parents ended up sleeping in separate beds as my Dad used to thrash around, elbow mum in the ribs while moving around etc. He never punched her though!

LemonTT · 18/04/2019 21:17

How do you punch from a sleep position with such force to cause a black eye?

I have had near miss elbow clashes but again without force.

Original poster

Isitabuseif · 18/04/2019 21:20

How do you punch from a sleep position with such force to cause a black eye?

This is what I can’t understand. He half sat up, and it was a very accurate aim. Part of me questions if he really was asleep?

OP posts:

mindutopia · 18/04/2019 21:28

I would say no if he was asleep. I had some random guy punch me while sleeping next to me on a long haul flight once. He was very apologetic. It was entirely involuntary. These things happen, assuming he’s otherwise a decent guy.

mindutopia · 18/04/2019 21:30

And my then 18 month old punched me hard enough once to give me a black eye. It doesn’t take much. But only you know if this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour or a one off.

gamerchick · 18/04/2019 21:34

Wouldn’t that be the death of our sex life though

No it really isn't.

No way I would share a bed with someone capable of punching me in the face if I disturbed him.

Prisonbreak · 18/04/2019 21:47

No that is not abuse. He was asleep. It doesn’t take much force to bruise the eye area. Seems like you also don’t think it was abuse as you lay back down and went to sleep. If you thought he abused you, you would have got up surely?

Original poster

Isitabuseif · 18/04/2019 21:55

I think it comes down to asleep = not abuse, pretending to be asleep = abuse. I’ve got no real reason to doubt him. Sorry for suspecting abuse everywhere!

OP posts:

NotStayingIn · 18/04/2019 21:55

Were either of you tipsy/drunk? And I’m not saying that to judge at all. But I can imagine accidentally using more force on his side, and falling straight back asleep even though my eye is actually hit hard enough to be bruised on your side, with a few drinks. I find it slightly weirder sober but appreciate that might just be me! If this is the only thing that’s ever happened I would assume it was an accident, not abuse. Hope it doesn’t hurt too much now!

NotFatTransslender · 18/04/2019 22:11

This is what I can’t understand. He half sat up, and it was a very accurate aim. Part of me questions if he really was asleep?

Hmm that doesn’t sound so good. But in your OP you seemed to believe it was a mistake, so you think that the black eye made you see it differently? In the moment it seemed like an accident, but when you saw that he’d properly hurt you, it seemed a bit more?

VeronicaDinner · 18/04/2019 22:18

Not if he was asleep when he did it, no.

AtSea1979 · 18/04/2019 22:22

It’s very strange that you went back to sleep straight away too. If someone had punched me I think I’d be wide awake and faffing around in the bathroom with cold water for it not just nod back off.

OldAndWornOut · 18/04/2019 22:22

Sleepwalkers can do all kinds of complicated things and remain unaware, so I would say it really was an accident.

Windygate · 18/04/2019 22:23

You don't believe/trust him. The relationship is over

RavenLG · 18/04/2019 22:23

only you know if this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour or a one off

I think this is a great way of thinking about it. If it truly is a one off, partner is upset etc then I would give benefit of the doubt. I’ve punched a wall and dislodged a knuckle once when asleep.

Namechange8471 · 18/04/2019 22:28

Part of me questions if he really was asleep?

Just from that sentence, I'd reconsider the relationship.

I'm also a really bad snorer and have know to "lash out" in my sleep, talk and even sit up and cry. I remember none of it the next day. I can honestly say it wouldn't surprise me if I punched my partner in my sleep(accidently) . Luckily he knows it wouldn't be in purpose!

Original poster

Isitabuseif · 18/04/2019 22:43

We were both entirely sober. He nodded off/went back to sleep straight away; it took me a lot longer. @NotFatTranslender sums it up precisely in her last post.

OP posts:

CloudsCloudsClouds · 19/04/2019 09:25

Did you not cry out in pain? How was he not alerted to what had happened? I don’t really understand.

Bookworm4 · 19/04/2019 09:27

If he sat up and aimed for your face then it's deliberate, if he had been flailing about half asleep that's an accident.

Bluntness100 · 19/04/2019 09:30

This is very odd. If someone punched me in the face hard enough to give me a black eye, I'd make a lot of noise. Why didn't you wake him up? Why didn't you make enough noise to wake him. Or get up? To just lie there and go back to sleep is very unusual.

Unless at the time you thought he was awake and he did it on purpose, and you lay there in shock?

Because if that's the case, and you need to go back to that moment, then yes you've got a problem on your hands.

MyNewBearTotoro · 19/04/2019 09:45

I have a friend who punched me in his sleep once. We were teens at a house party, both drunk, and he’d fallen asleep on my jumper which I’d left on the bed. I tried to lift it from under him, disturbed me and he sat up in bed, opened his eyes and punched me. It was hard but luckily he only hit me in the arm/ shoulder, but had it been the eye I imagine it would have caused bruising. I made a big fuss and he then came around and was annoyed at me for waking him until I told him he’d just punched me. He had no recollection of punching me at all and we put it down to a sort of unconscious protective reflex at being disturbed in his sleep - I am 99% sure he didn’t do it intentionally and that at the time he hit me he had no idea who I was or where he was. I feel it was a bit like sleep walking, in that although his eyes were open and he was able to aim he wasn’t fully conscious.

If this is the first time anything like this has happened and there are no other red flags in your relationship I would believe your partner was asleep and didn’t mean to hit you, but obviously only you know your relationship so if your gut is telling you that his version of being asleep is not what really happened I think you should listen to it.

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