How much does your DP/DH do?

[loolop]

Hi sorry if this turns into a long ramble but I am feeling at the end of my tether with DP. We have a 19 week DD, is it normal that he had never not once got up in the night to see to her or got up in the morning with her so I could have a lie in? He also rarely bathes or feeds her. I am just knackered and fed up and feel like I'd be better off without him. Also did anyone else feel really really angry rage at their DP's after LO's came along - I get a lot more angry with him now and am so sick of feeling resentful all the time

loolop yes, I remember the anger and resentment too.

DH is great with the boys now, but with a newborn first child he needed telling that he had to do his share.

Because I was bfing I got up in the night (fair enough) but after the dawn feed I would tell him he had to get up so I could get a couple of hours sleep.

I also found it frustrating that he seemed to have no initiative, so I would have to tell him to change a nappy or bath the DS1 - he never just did it.

I think as long as he's not refusing to do stuff, you're ok. But maybe have a talk and tell him how you feel. You really don't need another child to look after

Hi loolop

well yes to be honest I did have absolute rage for a while (till about 8 months post birth) and happily told anyone who'd listen that motherhood had made me see things more clearly. And I've just watched my best mate do exactly the same. I think its a hormone/exhaustion cocktail. Don't do anything drastic right now.

Here's a q for you - is DH just worried he'll do it wrong and then you'll be cross? I mean its really easy when we're in the early mother phase to have very rigid ideas of how things should be done and when someone does it differently you can get immensely stressed. Maybe thats why he isn't volunteering.

On the other hand you also need to tell him what you need because he's a boy not a psychic! You'll only give yourself cause to be angry if you expect him to know - this is new for him too and he doesn't have the mother hormones telling him whats needed.

DH and I came to an agreement that he would have DS from 5am till 7.30am every day so I could sleep without interruption (by the way I will never confess to the number of nights I altered the time on the bedside clock to steal an extra hour....). Also he took over for an hour as soon as he came in the door so I could sit/cook/go to the loo.

And you should point out that if he wants a happy wife then he needs to help.

good luck

My DP also needs 'told' what to do.
Sometimes he takes the initiative but its very rare.
I 'told' him on Friday when he came in from work that he was getting up with my DS so I could have a long lie on Saturday and he did.
It is infuriating, especially with regards to housework, but I know I have higher standards than him with regard to the state of the house etc.
If I didn't do it, he would, but not until the house was a complete tip first.

I understand the complete 'rage' that goes along with this and have often ended up in tears through total anger.

Are you able to tell him how you are feeling or do you seethe in silence?

loolop, don't do anyting drastic, you're hormonal and tired. I had stints of 'might be better off without' as well. Think it's quite normal and looking back now it's actually quite insignificant.

ime men need to be told what's expected . They're not primed to notice things by themselves be it childcare or house work

try and sit down with him and have a talk. Might help

good luck

my rage is now subsiding, after 9 mths! i still get furious and strop about instead of just asking, i have a really low habit of being a martyr, so will be huffing and puffing and cleaning behind the bin while my dp tells me to sit down with a cup of tea. i think he's lazy, he thinks im too busy. we used to be fine with that. then along came a baby and the fury began, but now, it is getting much better.
my dp works pt and from home, hes a musician so has periods away and many more periods of doing nothing! so we are now, more or less, doing 50/50 parenting. i do most mornings, he does most afternoons. im much happier with this.
to my surprise, i discovered that i took over loads, that i was smashing his confidence. i told him i felt unappreciated too, that he never said what a good mother i was. in fact, i said all this to him in a letter, cos when we spoke about childcare it deteriorated into enormous rows. we still argue, i think its normal in the first year to row a LOT!, but i don't feel massively angry all the time.
im still the more conscious parent. he will not think about the babys tea until its time for him to eat, and i get irritated cos i always have something ready. i always pack a bag for my lo, doctors seem to be my domain, big desicions etc. that bugs me. maybe when my period andmy sex drive come back i will get lazier and more normal and things will equalise even more.
loolop - are you breastfeeding? things got better for us once the boy needed less constant feeding.
oh, and i told my dp something i read in a book: child of our time: that when men bathe with their babies they get an increase in oxytocin, a happy bonding hormone that women get from bfing.....he now has a bath with the boy every night, and loves it!!

Not normal imo, dh does 50% of most things. DD didn't sleep for the first year and a half of her life and the only reason we stayed half sane was that we did every other night. It's his baby too, he needs to get involved imo. And note I don't use the word 'help' because that would imply that it's YOUR job and he is HELPING you when actually, being a parent is the responsibility of both sexes imnsho. I'd be resentful too if I was trying to do it all alone, you need to tell him this.

Thank you all - some of you have described exactly how I feel Meemar - no initative and 2 children describes it perfectly! I am going to try telling rather than asking for his help as you are right WWW I do call it help! He never flat out refuses to do anything but I just can't be bothered to hear the big sigh when I do ask so I've given up asking which is why I feel like I do everything I guess. The night time pattern I guess was established because I b/fed for 12 weeks so I had to get up just really really really want a LIE IN!!!!

Oh and as for the rage am so glad i'm not alone in that I feel so angry sometimes it scares me how much I feel I hate him!!! Hope it subsides soon!

Waterwitch can I just ask are you a SAHM or working? I only ask because at the moment i'm on maternity leave so I do sort of feel that 90% of the responsibility is mine especially during the week he goes out to work. Any thoughts?

Loolop, I work full time but ft hours compressed into four days. Dh works ft over 5 days and does dropping of dd every morning and collects both children every night to enable me to do longer hours on the 4 days I work. DH and I do 50% ish of everything, childcare, housework etc(we have a cleaner twice a week but she can't do EVERYTHING in those 6 hours).

When dd was 4 months old I went back to work full time oth and dh was a SAHD. I STILL did my half of everything, including gettng up with dd every other night while working ft oth. So I have seriously put my money where my mouth is!

Loolop,

DH also had to be 'told' what to do with DS when he was tiny. I think I did lose the plot one day, and it turned out that he was really nervous about looking after him as I was so confident.
I kind of explained it wasn't confidence, it was necessity and that I learnt it all through trial and error.

Someone on MN suggested taking it in turns to lie in on the weekends which we still do. I BF exclusively as well, but on 'my' morning I handed over DS after the BF.

I also got DH to do the bathing - turned out he was so much better at it than me. I think one of the key things was not to criticise him - he does things with DS differently to me but they work.

While I was on maternity leave I probably did the majority of housework (mostly day to day stuff like washing, tidying), but he mostly did the cooking and shared the big stuff on the weekend - vacuuming etc. But I think this had to be negotiated a bit.

Incidently, DH is temporarily being a SAHD while I work part-time, and it turns out he is perfectly capable in this role - gets DS ready, remembers what needs to go to nursery, cleans house etc. The only thing I now need to do is put the washing on.

Loolop - MY DH is pretty good at sharing the load, though I do all of the night time stuff as she is still BF at night.

WHile I was off on mat leave he would still bath her and would get up with her at least one day of the weekend so that I could have a lie in.

He also put her big brother to bed most nights.

Hmm sounds like I need to have a chat with him! Especially as the same as you waterwitch I am going back to work in Sept 4 days but f/t hours so will def need help. Am half tempted to print this off and show him....

You may not get a chance to read this, but there is a brilliant article in the Style section of the Sunday Times about just this topic.

The author, who wanted to remain anon mourned the loss of her marriage when their child arrived and described her feelings of incredible rage. I was nodding my entire way through it. The good news is that it gets better over time, provided your DP is basically a good'un.

A lot of men don't get babies, mine didn't. He also loved the fact that before baby I was calm cool and collected, but during the first few weeks post birth I cried every day, at least once. I hated DH because he got to go into work, meet other people, wasn't tied to the baby all the time, wasn't covered in baby wee and too tired to change his clothes.

Once your DD starts to sleep through, things will start to seem a lot better because you will be able to discuss things calmly and agree splits of work without turning into a hormonal mess.

15mths DH and I are good again, I get rushes of love and we cuddle and have a good relationship, its not quite the same as it was beforehand, but its pretty good.