Difficult relationship with mother/parents

[TurquoiseDress]

Hello I’ve never posted on this subject/issue before, but having recently turned 40 I’ve started to wonder.

My relationship with my parents has always been a strained one, especially from my teenage years onwards.

Especially with my mother, she seems to be incapable of saying anything pleasant to me.

It’s always nit picking, saying how dirty/messy/untidy our home is etc

Or she’ll do a bit of a clean (on the rare occasion we ask if they can babysit or when they’re round & I pop out for a bit) I’ll say thank you and be grateful etc

Then she’ll moan saying how awful it is, couldn’t stand looking at it and that’s why she had to clean/tidy etc

I guess more recently, when my mother/parents have upset me, my DH has got quite cross asking me why I don’t stand up to them or take issue with their comments and behaviours.

Tried to explain to him that since I was a teenager, I’ve often tried to ask them why they said something, why are they so cross with me etc.

Not in a confrontational way, but more asking why they said x,y or z

The effect is that they usually close ranks and both unite together, telling me I’m over sensitive, that I’m a trouble maker, that I’m a rude & ungrateful person

A recent thing is my mother telling me that I’m fat, that I need to move more, do more sport etc.
All in front of DC1 who has just turned 5.

But, actually she doesn’t say it to me directly, she says it to DC1 like “mummy’s got fat hasn’t she? She needs to do some exercise”. And I’m sat right there, it infuriates me and I find it so rude. She’ll make other comments about me/general things in that way ie talking to my child but actually I’m the intended audience

Baby is over 6 months old so I suppose I can’t blame pregnancy any more!

I’m usually a size 8-10 but now more like a 12 and I’d like to lose a few more kilos

My mother would often comment on my weight/body shape as a teenager and if I got upset it would be my fault for being overly sensitive.

I’ve explained to DH that I’m just exhausted with it all after all these years. Rightly or wrongly, I’ve decided to just bite my tongue.

I can see why this is frustrating for DH as it makes me seem so weak.

By this age and with 2 DC I honestly presumed (wrongly) that my relationship with my parents would have improved and been ok if not better.

Does anyone else have a similar sounding mother/parents in general? How do you manage the relationship?

Part of me wants to improve things but another part just cannot be arsed.

One thing that has changed, is that I want to talk about it with someone as it seems to get me down.

I suppose because I’ve got young children now and maybe subconsciously don’t want to make the same mistakes.

And also, deep down, I do love my parents but I so wish our relationship was completely different.

Anyone able to share similar experiences? Thank you

I have had the same experience with my mum. She babysat my son for many of his former years while I worked. This of course was incredibly good of her. But she made me feel guilty every day. I couldn't dress him properly, keep things in order, buy the correct food. The list was endless and I spent years feeling guilt and anger. She put me down all the time but, like you, in a passive aggressive way.
It's unhealthy. Long story short, I no longer see her, or very very rarely. I tried to ask her just to be my mum, to love me unconditionally and respect me as an adult. She couldn't do this.
I still grieve the loss of her as a parent but I now realise that she doesn't and didn't love me as an adult.
I feel much healthier stronger and more confident without this negative toxic input.
I'm not saying this is the answer. I wanted you to know I completely understand how you feel.
Happy to chat more if it helps x

What just keep going has said. I've similar parents who close ranks and pick on me. I'm not in contact anymore. You could always go lower contact and do seek counselling. My parents can't do unconditional love, unfortunately.

@justkeepgoing76
@Lisette1940

Thank you so much for your replies, it's good to know that I'm not alone with these feelings

I spent so much of my 20s trying my best with them and always wanting to push for close relationships, doing activities together with my mum etc

But always left feeling crushed when something seemed to blow up out of nothing and my parents would then be referring back to events or minor comments I had made months/years ago and saying how this shows my behaviour is bad etc

I think since having my own children I just do not have the headspace for dealing with it so have gone for the "head in the sand" approach

One thing that hurts with regards to my mother, is how she always seems (whether intentionally or not) to piss on my bonfire (I'm sure there are better phrases than this!) on the very special occasions

For example, when I got my results/graduated from university, told my parents me & DH were engaged (really wish I'd just sent a quick text rather than decided I wanted to tell them in person!), during my first pregnancy, my first mother's day etc it goes on

I know I shouldn't fixate on these incidents, but they really colour my view of my mother/parents and it's only now I'm older that I realise how upsetting it was for me- at the time, I never really shared with DH what my mum/dad had said, I just kind of put it to one side.

A couple of my friends have had counselling for various reasons and they seem really enthusiastic about it, and it has helped them

I'm really starting to think this might be something that can help...but then another part of me thinks I am just over-thinking it all and being over sensitive

Thanks again for posting

I think things change when you have kids. You realise you would never treat them in the same way.

As for raining on your parade, my mother insisted on wearing white to my wedding....she always pulls the rug out from under my feet.

OP. I agree with the suggestion of counselling in your situation. It may well be a painful process, but could give the adult you the insight and tools to deal with your parents in a way that is healthier for you - whatever that may be.

From what you've written you are not being over sensitive or over thinking things at all. I think you already have some insight into the situation as you talk about unconditional love. You know that this is what you feel for your children, that they do not have to behave in a certain way to "earn" your love. You know that the things your parents say and have said were judgemental and unfair. Their reaction has been to dismiss and minimise your feelings and turn the situation around to again criticise you.

Are you an only child, or do you have a sibling who was perhaps the "golden child" ? I'm also wondering how much you know about your parent's upbringing, that would be of interest.

My situation is that my dad, I know, loves me unconditionally.He's very rarely critical and accepts me as I am. My mum however, particularly as she's got older, can be a terrible snob and is quite happy to offer her unasked for opinion. In the last few years I've taken to just stating, there and then, about what she's said. I don't tell her how she's made me feel, as you know that can always be dismissed. I make it very practical. I say things like "I didn't ask you what you thought of my hair/dress/shoes, if you say these look better you're saying I looked worse before". Or "Well you might think that but I'm perfectly happy about ........"

What I'm trying to model to her is that I base my feelings of worth about myself on my own evaluation. This is something that can be very hard to do when you have been criticised growing up, as your place of evaluation becomes located externally. By this I mean your feelings of worth, instead of coming from inside, come from the opinions of those around you.

Thinking of the examples you have given. A good place to be psychologically would be that you know your parents are coming to babysit. The house is as tidy and clean as YOU feel it needs to be. If when your parents come they make remarks about it, you say it's my house, I'm happy with the way things are, if you're not that's fine. As you say this you really know that what you are saying is true, and that their perceptions of how you live, and that they vocalise it to you, are based upon their issues and their "stuff". So the end result is you do not feel judged by them, because your own judgement is all that matters.

It will of course still be unpleasant to hear, and they should be tackled as your dc are now hearing how they speak to you. Also, if you see them you have the right to decide how you wish to be treated. It sounds like they don't see you as an adult at all.

I had talking counselling which was Ok (therapist wasn't great for me) but have since been doing CBT and hypnotherapy which has helped a lot. Focus is more on how to handle situations and change your own thoughts and behaviour rather than theirs. Because that is impossible. I spent years trying to convince my mum to love me, trying to win her approval, trying to always do and say the right things but it just didn't work. Now I am comfortable that the only thing I can control are my own feelings and reactions.
You will get there and find your own routes. My only advice would be not to feel guilty. Parental love should be unconditional but some parents just don't have it in them. I'm sure you do and won't make the same mistakes with your kids x

You really need to think if you want this kind of dynamic passed on to your dc.

Your mum is denigrating you to your dc, not to mention teaching them unhealthy lessons about body image. This will potentially affect your relationship with them as they get older and potentially their own self-image.

Do you want her pissing on their achievements and life events?

I would reduce contact, frankly.

It's important to understand that parents like this feel entitled to hurt and upset you. They'll often cover it up by saying it's for your own good - e.g., making you lose weight - but it's always in terms of what they want.

I bet you don't need to lose weight, for instance, but your mum knows it's a tried and tested way to upset you. Keeping you unnerved makes it easier to control the relationship.

Like any bully, this kind of parents takes opportunities to put themselves on top and also revisits favourite ways to make you tow the line.

Children are fair game because they don't fight back, but they see everything and know when granny is being mean.

The hard part is in standing up for yourself, because they always create extra drama if they get even a whiff of independence from you.

Thank you all so much for your comments- sharing your experiences and advice, it is much appreciated

We're away at the moment with patchy internet access (actually really refreshing to not be constantly online/glued to a screen!) so not been on here at all

Everything I've read here has really made me think

My parents aren't bad people and to outsiders looking in they are kind and nice people.

So I struggle with accepting that they/my mum are that way. A part of me has always felt that if I do x or y we will just be a normal family

When I see other friends or acquaintances with really close or very easygoing relationships with their parents, my heart sinks a little

Everything feels like such hard work

I guess I've posted now as it's all starting to really bother me- I think that's coinciding with DC1 becoming much more aware & understanding of everything around

I've also become much more self-conscious of my interactions with my mum/dad

A part of me obviously doesn't want to start an argument in front of my DC but equally I'm seething inside if I don't say something back

I've realised over the years that my mum only seems happy with me when I'm doing what she wants me to do. And especially, she's got very cross when it involves my plans with a boyfriend at the time

I don't think she's ever accepted me having relationships with men. She's shown nothing but negativity and dismissed every man I've been with

Quite honestly I think she'd have preferred me living at home with her and my father

I've got a younger brother and sister, and have always felt the heavy weight of expectation on me

Always being berated for my behaviour, not setting a good example etc. Actually I was a model child/teenager in some ways, always working hard at school etc

The issues flared up when I wanted to go out/clubbing with my friends when we were 17 or so

And prior to that when I started having boyfriends at around 16

Plus my younger sister did seem to be the favorite, she got away with murder and as an adult has always been bailed out financially

My brother works in the Far East do we don't see much of him; also he's gay which has been difficult for my parents to accept.

I will write more at some point later, thank you all again

They sound very controlling OP and you sound like your own person. Your family sounds a bit similar to mine, complete with younger golden child. Forge your own path and don't try to please them. Loving detachment.

peekyboo's post was bang on the money. You are born into a family with no control as child over how you're treated. Thing is, you wake up and realise the patterns of dysfunction.

My mum is a textbook narcissist (google daughters of narcissistic mothers) and she always puts on a stellar performance in front of strangers. Perfect mother, perfect family etc. Behind closed doors a different story. Negative, abrasive, unreasonable, rude, just outright nasty.

So it resonated with me when you said from the outside looking in they seem nice. Yes, bullies and abusers always do. That's how they get away with it. They pick and choose their targets. They are capable of great pretence and stellar acting, outrageous lying, to get their way.

My mum can be outright charming when she wants to be! But only ever on her terms, to impress someone or manipulate someone into doing what she wants.

You didn't break your parents, you are not to blame for any of their behaviour. There is nothing wrong with you, you were just unfortunately an available emotional punching bag for their issues.

You can safely cut all of this crap out of your life. You owe them nothing at all. You did not ask to be born and you certainly did not ask to be treated badly. You sound like a lovely lovely person who deserves a rich and happy life.

I can relate to this in that I was always seeking my dads approval.

But despite not 'feeling' like he ever approved I made my own path.

Sometimes not seeing him for ages.

I long for the day we could have a close relationship.

Anyway fast forward to dads last 6 months.
Dads in a nursing home - still as sharp as a knife.

So I'm going once a fortnight for duty visits , sometime sister is there.

At the same going through s difficult time and had a therapy session.

The day after I was talking to a friend who is a nurse.

I told her about dad and about how he's always made me like a child and was very critical bah bah

Anyway my friend talked some more and suddenly I saw dad from an adult point of view.

Anyway something in me changed.

Next time I saw dad it was different.

We chatted and I was like an adult.
We got really close as I no longer felt I needed to prove anything.
And when I felt things going a bit 'wrong' I just laughed and said ' dad I don't know what you mean' and carried on.

It totally defused the situation.

I wish I'd done this sooner but we had 6 months and I'll always be grateful for that.

I'd suggest you have counselling and in the meantime see less of your parents.

I found counselling transformational for me and it salvaged my relationship with my parents, I'm now v close to my mother and when she is doing my head in I feel compassionately towards her as I can see where she was coming from (somewhere very damaged) - without it I think we would have been NC.

We moved from being parent - child to adult - adult and it was a painful process but the benefits were enormous.

I think (from experience) that reduced contact is the way forward.

It concerns me that your older DC is hearing weight-related comments, even if they’re not directed at him/her. This behaviour could precipitate a complex, or encourage DC to call classmates fat.

My mother has been lovely to my kids and in their company in fairness. She was a nasty piece of work to me though. Not so much now because she’s 80+, frail and she knows I’d tell her to get lost. But she was unpleasant when I was a teen. I dislike her and don’t go out of my way to see her.

We moved from being parent - child to adult - adult and it was a painful process but the benefits were enormous.

Yes that's exactly it!

If you do pursue some counselling OP, I would recommend one who's work is largely psychodynamic. You need to explore your family of origin, your childhood, relational template etc. It will be hard going, but as Anna posted, you are looking to move from a parent child dynamic to an adult/adult one.

I have a mother like this. I live overseas and I am back in the UK for a week. Today has been a day of abuse, chaos - oh I could go on. I am just thankful I can leave.

My mother is an awful person. Yours is too. Your father is an enabler at vest, equally abusive at worst. Have therapy as I did and cut them out / go low contact.

Moving overseas saved my sanity. Being back shows me how much.

Good luck OP.