What do you make of this? What would you do?

[IAmAnIdiott]

So ex and I split a few years ago. It was my decision.

Turns out the grass wasn't greener (I never cheated. Want to say that now. We were a childhood relationship and I felt like I never got a chance to find out who I was singularly without him)

Turns out it didn't make me happy.

We are trying again.

I have been an utter IDIOT. He left himself logged in FB on my phone and I looked at his messages.

This woman who supported him through our breakup.

I knew he liked her. He told me. It never went anywhere.

However he referred to me as his Whore wife to her. That was my name. Ie 'I'm with my whore wife' until we divorced then I was the whore ex wife.

TBH it was when we were breaking up and I can understand it.

But there are messages from weeks ago (let's pretend she is called Anna) where he repeatedly calls her lovely Anna and sends her heart emojis

He calls her Lovely Anna a lot.

They were very flirty.

But now we are trying again WIBU to ask him to stop talking to her?

I don't talk to any blokes like that.

I've brought it up before and she said they are just friends

Would you be comfortable?

I meant I was an idiot for snooping. I shouldn't have done it. :(

No. Once that language is shared it undermines you and gives her a unique position in his life. One that will always clash with yours.

You made a decision that irrevocably changed your relationship. You now have to decide how you want to deal with that.

Personally that one text, phrase, would have me packing.

He called you a whatnow? Seriously?

I agree with the above. I think it demonstrates a lack of respect for you that he is still communicating with her in that way when you are now back together. Personally the reference to you as his 'whore... anything' would have me running also.

I'm so scared of being alone again. I just didn't cope.

I would question whether his obvious bad attitude towards you following separation (and his disloyalty now) indicate the reason you felt you needed to leave the marriage and pursue happiness elsewhere?

Be honest with yourself - was he actually a bit of a disrespectful twat before you separated? Because he sounds like a right twunt now.

@IAmAnIdiott. Firstly you are absolutely not an idiot.
It sounds as though things might be difficult for you right now? When you say you you didn't cope with being alone, how was this exactly?

How is your life in other ways? Do you have work, friends, hobbies etc outside of your relationship.

No. I just felt like I missed out.

TBH I called him all names under the sun to my mates so I can't really comment on that. It was a messy seperation during a time a lot of stuff was happening we couldn't control.

But it's more the nessages now.

The whore ones were from 2016-17

I think you have a right to ask. The name calling was a bit silly but if you'd left him and hurt him I don't think it signifies anything to be concerned about. We've all used unpleasant names when hurt/angry. I would ask him. His reaction will probably be the answer you need.

First.
Keep calm.
I can see both sides of this.

No he shouldn't be as 'friendly' as this.

Give it time and it will probably/ definitely fizzle out.

But from his point of view you dumped him once you could do it again , so Anna is the back up plan.

And you can't blame him for that it will take time for you to prove you're staying put.

Also Anna know she's the back up plan and and is just bidding her time till , she hopes, you disappear again.

(I can never understand why a woman would accept this , and I have less respect for the man who would do this - maybe Anna is very young - but they will never end up together)

Good luck.

Anna isn't interested in him.

I know this. I can tell by her replies.

They had plenty of opportunity to hook up and she never allowed it. He is a friend and support to her but she doesn't like him that way.

I meant I was an idiot for snooping. I shouldn't have done it.

But you did, so now you know. You can’t unknow. I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who spoke that way about me. At the very least I would be telling them that I know how they referred to me and their response would determine what happened next.

I am not going to judge him for what he called you after you left him. As you said, you called him all sorts too. I have to ask though, why did you snoop that far back?

You just have known it wasnt going to be complimentary.

And also why did you snoop at all. Either something feels off or you believe he has no right to privacy.

Honestly, sounds like you are trying again simply because you dont want to be alone. He probably, deep down, doesnt trust you to not leave again so isnt making any changes to his life. He, on some level, isnt invested. You arent either, you just dont want to be alone.

This is a huge mistake and invading his privacy wont makenit any better.

Putthat nails it.

Why snoop a bit never mind going back years? Why get back together if there was that much acrimony. It wasn’t just a relationship gone stale there was bad feelings and bad behaviour on both sides.

Frankly he should be very wary of you and your motivations. As Putthat said you don’t seem to have real feelings for him just a fear of being on your own.

He shouldn’t give up his friend for you and you shouldn’t ask. But if you do he may make the right choice.

I wanted to see what he said about me to her.

So I searched my name. Nothing.

I searched Wife.

And whore wife came up time and time again with dates beside it.

I don't scroll through all his messages back to 2016

I love him very much. Its not that I can't be alone it's that I can't be without him.

I worry that too much has gone on now for the trust to be there. I obviously don't trust him if I feel the need to look.

I'm so scared of being alone again. I just didn't cope.

OP you posted this. Not that you cant be without him.

Why did you want to know what he said about you? Especially to someone he has been friends with during the divorce.

You looked because you arent sure about the reasons you are both getting back together.

You feel insecure because ofbhowbyiu have treated him.

You should never be with someone because it's better than being alone.

In a few years, you will leave him again.

I’m sorry but I can’t imagine leaving my DH or anyone I love or have loved for no good reason. Never mind the idea that the grass could be greener. He makes me happy and I know my single self. The 2 co exist.

When you say you never cheated does that preclude having your eye on someone?

How can I be judged on what my life is by a few sentences on here written when I'm upset? By the fact I said obe thing before another

Bunch of armchair psychiatrists.

We had a lot go on.

We had a massive loss in our lives. We couldn't cope with the grief. We drifted aprt.

We didn't cope well. We had no money for counselling.

How am I supposed to write a full biography to explain everything.

It doesn't matter.

I'll deal with it

It wasn't no good reason.

But it wasn't a good enough reason.

I was sad and confused. I pushed everyone away.

Bunch of armchair psychiatrists.

Not very happy when you dont get what you want?

Look op writing you are afraid of being alone and cant live without him are 2 very different things.

It's not armchair psychology. It's right there in black and white.

You need therapy of some kind. CBT was great for me but it's not for everyone or every situation. It sounds like you both might to be honest. Personally it's been life changing for me.

So what do you want now? Really you not you as a couple?

My feeling is it's rare that you can go back. And you can definitely never go back to as it was before. The hurt that's been caused has redefined the people you are. So how do you feel about the person he is now?