Dating someone with a child

[chloeunderwood]

The guy I'm newly dating, for 4 months, is 30 and has a child who is 8.

I'm 24 and have no children and have never dated anyone with a child before.

I'm just wondering how involved / interested I should seem when it comes to his child. I always answer if he talks about her, which he does quite a bit but not loads.

Also, say if he posts on an Instagram story or an Instagram post with his child should I respond to that and look interested in what he's up with his child to or no? I always respond to his story's etc if it's him or him and his friends. I know it sounds silly but I don't want it to be a turn off by overly talking about his child.

Basically what are the do's and don'ts?

I've never met his child before either if that makes a difference :)

Honestly....at your age I'd be wary of getting more involved unless you have very strong feelings for him or think he's an amazing person.

Don't comment on his posts on social media at this point.

In terms of how much interest you should show....only show what you feel. If you're interested, then show it....by asking questions etc. "How did X get on at her new class?" and that sort of thing.

It would be odd not to show ANY interest but again...you don't HAVE to. However, dating a parent...that means you're also accepting their child into your life to a degree. So you need to weigh it up very carefully indeed.

If you see a future with this man then you need to factor in his child too. They will likely come on holidays with you...spend weekends with you..want to come to the zoo and the restaurant with you.

Bear in mind that his child's mother will always be part of his life.

At 24, I wouldn't bother with a man with kids. Not seriously anyway. He'll have to split his time between you and you don't get to be his priority.

Then there's issues with the Ex that often arise.

When you're young and in your prime, you don't need a guy with baggage.

In terms of your interest in his child. Just be yourself and be genuine.

I think you should just do what comes naturally to you. It's up to him to regulate the pace at which you develop a relationship with his child not you.

I wouldn't continue with this guy to be honest. At your stage of life, you want a man who will put you first ....but a man with a child will always put that child first . Always. As he should. But for you that may well become irksome . And as a PP said, his ex will always be a part of his life too. Both of these things will have a big impact on your relationship, now and in the future . I'd think very hard about this one . Good luck.

You’re never going to be the centre of attention. Quite rightly, his child will be.

I think you’re should tread carefully and at your age maybe look to find someone without baggage.

I’d agree that ideally you should find someone without kids at your age so that you can hopefully do all those big life events for the first time with someone else.

I don’t, however see having children as “baggage”, in fact it really offends me that people might view my children as baggage. They are very much wanted and loved children.

I think take things slowly if you really like this guy and maybe have this conversation with him about not knowing how to be regarding his daughter.

Dps children are not baggage.

I'm no expert, but dating a guy with kids is a really good way to find out some pretty fundamental things about him, so try to be objective.

1. Is he a good father? And I don't mean "does he go on about how he'd do anything for his kids" or "do the kids adore him" I mean does he take time off when they are sick, does he know who their friends are, does he make life decisions with them in mind, etc. Actual, practical things, not words or sentiment.
2. How does he talk about the mother of his children? Be very wary if he describes her as crazy, or claims that she has stopped him seeing the kids for no reason or that she only cares about money.
3. remember that you only have his account of things.
4. you are not a free babysitter, so don't be too quick to jump into childcare duties. Be very wary if he expects you to start doing pickups, dropoffs, arranging birthdays - it is way too soon for that
5. when he sees his kids, does he expect you to always be there? This can seem flattering ("he wants us to be a family!") but actually this is more about him avoiding the drudge of parenting by himself. It is also shit for the kids - they ought to have some time with their fathers full attention.

It doesn't make you a bad person to not want a guy with kids. Personally, I don't date parents - it cuts down my options a bit, but that's my decision and I consider that a price worth paying.

I also think you should do what comes naturally. Bring a step parent isn't easy so be aware of that before you become too involved.