It's gonna be a long post. Just want to vent or think out loud. Just to get it out of my system.
I've lived with my boyfriend nearly a year, been together a year prior. I feel like I'm not capable of being in relationship but I find it difficult to break up also. I've actually done it a few months ago but he persuaded me to continue the relationship.
On the one hand, I feel guilty of leaving him. Because his life is empty. Just his work and me. And he lives in my apartment, uses my old computer, uses his work phone. Etc. This is basically also the reason I cannot cope being with him. He has no drive, no friends, no hobbies. He won't leave the home without me. He will if I ask him some alone time but I need it once or twice per week for an hour or two at least so it would be unfair to just throw him out if he has no hobby or friends. And while at home, he always has something to say. Not a minute of silence. Only if I specifically ask for quiet time, but it is so uncomfortable and unnatural to me to constantly ask for silence. I can't deal with this constant contact. I do not get the opportunity to think about my own stuff and I get so tired of being alert all the time.
We have talked about my need for alone time several times and tried some solutions but we fall back to the old routine. I have to constantly ask for it which is uncomfortable so I do not ask most of the time. He does not show any initiative to offer me what I need although he has promised he would. It also bothers me that he is also rather undriven and procrastinating. He has so much knowledge about everything and he communicates so well with other people, but he just does not use his knowledge and skills. Always talks about what could be, but does nothing. Whether it's changing job or building a DIY shelf at home.
He has several times said he would like to learn more stuff from his father, but he never does. His parents live an hour away, it's not far at all. He could take a weekend or even just a day from weekend and visit his father. But no, "weekend is the only time we can properly spend time together" according to him (I have my hobby group twice per week which for him equals no time spent together during the work week). For me, a weekend or a day per month apart would be so good under current circumstances.
He finally decided to sign up for a hobby after we decided to try again after break up. So he could give me regular alone time. It should have started in April as they told him. He did not receive any additional info and of course did not bother to ask himself also. So no hobby for him. He shows no interest in finding something else.
He also wants to spend all vacations together. Of course I want to do stuff together as well during vacation, but I'd also like to visit my family and childhood friends who live five hours away. He wants then visit his parents also during vacation. And it is not an option for him to visit our families separately and then spend the rest of the vacation together because he wants to spend as much time together as possible. However, for me, the result is that I cannot spend quality time with my mom or my friends (all female) as we have also "private" things we want to talk about. He does not see it like me, we have discussed it. It could be possible but then he would sulk.
Currently we are at his parents house and he is doing some men stuff with his father for the past few hours. I'm just chilling by myself. Thinking what things leave undone at our home where I could be right now or how would I spend quality time with my mom if I could be at my parents house.
I'd also like to do stuff at home, some renovation, larger scale cleanup etc. He has not much interest in those things. I managed to ask him around two days from 16 days of our vacation for this. I think he will not contribute much or at least won't initiate any of my planned activities, which makes me a bit upset already. I get that he is not as keen but if we have agreed I'd love some initiative from his said as well. He likes to go out with me all the time and I'm not so keen on this but I put effort because I know it is important to him and I also show initiative. Planning things for us and also showing interest in advance if he has offered where to go etc, he does not have to remind me about these things or 'nag' me.
Now he came back doing stuff with his father and I was crumpy. He got annoyed. Forgetting totally that he gets grumpy all the time for the smallest things and I try not to be annoyed. I had a chat with him, explaining that if we come together to vacation we should spend time together, i.e exactly what he wants. And he should spend time with his dad alone some other time. Which would be great in my point of view. He completely misses the point. Said that he wanted to give me some alone time and if I got bored I just should have come and join them etc. I said that I like to spend my time with my mother alone, so I figure that perhaps you want to do the same with your father etc. Basically, when I want and need alone time, I can't get it and when I am all available for him and would spend all my time with him, then he finds other things to do while I'm at a strangers house basically. Anyway, now I am the "bad guy" because he wanted to give me space and it was up to me to interrupt their father-son activity. And I actually feel stupid for being upset.
Basically. I do not know. Maybe it's me? I should lower my expectation for alone time, and things that need to be done at home (although I just LOVE doing the home stuff, improve my living space), stop being so tense? I mean he has very good qualities and generally takes very good care of me. And it is a good thing that someone wants to spend time with me, how can I blame someone for wanting to be together with me. But.. He's just always here, all the time, I cannot miss him, I cannot think my own thoughts. It has killed my love.
I know I should break it off as I do not feel I can cope in this relationship but I'd feel so guilty and I'd get all those "what ifs" again, like the last time. Maybe I'd be alone all my life, maybe the next one is worse, maybe he just needs time and he finds his drive and passion to do something without me as well etc.
Just wanted to vent.. And now I actually feel bad for talking so badly about him because he just loves me and wants to spend time together while it seems that I want to spend my time alone and with my hobby and less with him. I should be happy because someone loves me so much.