No sex relationship. Will it ever happen? Wwyd

[AllSoComplicated]

Been seeing a guy for about 5 months. We don't meet that regularly because of distance and commitments but maybe couple of times a month.

He's 50, i'm 45.

Early on he got turned on and we ended up in bed but sex didn't happen so I suspected erectile problems. Not long after that he called it all off saying he didn't think he could be what I wanted and he knew I wanted a partner and he was no good at being one.

Anyway, I was a bit hurt but got past it but we met as friends but then he still wanted physical affection. He said he was all mixed up.

We've carried on seeing each other since but I've been much more laid back about the whole thing. It seems v nice and comfortable but.. I stayed over a couple of nights ago at his invitation and whilst there was lots of kissing and cuddling and closeness, just nothing sexual beyond that.

I thought that he maybe needed time to be more comfortable but I'm now wondering if I need to be brave and talk about it? Don't want to scare him off if there are issues he's worried about but equally I don't want to keep hoping if it's never going to happen. Wwyd? It's hard to talk when I see him as I really just want to have a nice time as don't see him often but it's a hell of a phone convo to tackle!

Possibly ED - maybe find a way to talk to him about this as it's clearly a barrier to him moving forward for himself.

"Dear x,

Awkward, but I really need to know where this is going. I very much enjoy your friendship and company, but sometimes I'm getting mixed messages from you. If you want just friendship, that's fine, but we need to lay off the physical affection as it confuses things. Ideally I would like a full relationship with you, but I'm happy to accept friendship and date elsewhere if that's what's on offer.

Ttfn"

Been there, done that, just cut your losses.

OP, I'm watching with interest. Not sure how to link to my recent post but had some good advice. You might want to have a look, think we're in the same situation! My post was titled 'Baffled' if it helps you find it

He could be asexual and identifies as heteromantic or he may not only way to find out is to ask.

he called it all off saying he didn't think he could be what I wanted and he knew I wanted a partner and he was no good at being one.

When someone tells you who they are, LISTEN.

When a man says this, it always always means he is not going to be a good bet. It doesn't matter why. Cut your losses and cut him loose.

@fairydustandpixies omg. Found your thread. Sounds so similar! It's really hard isn't it? I haven't been dating since my 20s so this sort of thing is a new one on me.

He's also gone unusually quiet on me so wondering what will come next tbh.

I feel like asking him is going to just embarrass him if he has an issue but yet it isn't unreasonable is it?

I know what he said when he broke it off before and I took him at his word however he seems to have changed his mind and is trying. I don't want to end up with knackered confidence over this though. I know it's his issue so I am fighting feeling rejected. It's the whole anxious v avoidant dynamic I think.

Could be asexual, gay, impotent, trans ... you won't know unless you address it

OP, I wish I could give you an answer but I'm in the dark too. Bizarrely my 'bf' has sent me texts this evening full of random innuendo (told him I'm watching a documentary about K2 so think crampons and crevasses) but I know they're just empty words.

I think we deserve at least a little passion in the early days. But on the other hand, maybe they need some time, are shy, have ED or all the other things that have been suggested. I think honesty is important foremost, however embarrassing.

I've no idea how to approach the question other than I have done and received a 'none' answer. I've decided to 'friend zone' him now, still go out and do stuff but not let him iniate kissing, holding hands and so on.

Let us all know what happens? I'll do the same x

Will do @fairy. Suspect it is going to fizzle out. He's texted just a bright and breezy one earlier but usually he'd ring every evening. Feel a bit sad. I really like him for him but I'm not here to fix someone else's issues. We'll see I guess.

@fairy you sound much more secure and healthy than me. I think I'll struggle to ditch him even if I should. I need better self esteem. . I'm waiting for him to ditch me I feel.

Talk to him and ask? If you’re comfortable enough to have sex with someone you should be comfortable enough to talk about having sexual experiences together.

He sounds like he’s going to completely mess you around and leave you with your head spinning. You don’t have to wait for him to make his mind up, take control and tell him that his behaviour isn’t what you’re looking for in a partner.

SimonJT.. I agree. Although it's not easy to bring up, I think I could if I was just thinking of myself but I think he'd be very uncomfortable. I want to be kind but I also don't want to wait indefinitely for something that might never happen. I won't see him for a while now in any case so I guess I'll try and guage it when I do.

@AllSoComplicated and @fairydustandpixies stop hanging around waiting to see what happens. Nothing is happening and they have both clearly told you who they are ie a waste of your time if you want a decent relationship. They know they've got you hanging on their next move and are in control of the situation. Don't be puppets on a string. You deserve better

OP and @Mother, absolutely! Nothing stopping us keeping these guys as friends especially if we enjoy their company. But, if we want more then we'll have to look elsewhere.

Bit like having a fantastic event to go to where you want to feel amazing. You can wear a dress, after all a dress is a dress. Or you can wear THE dress and feel on top of the world!

Yeah, I know, odd analogy...!!

OP, we're worth more. It's a difficult conversation to have, my 'bf' swerves round it like a rabbit in the road, so let's keep them as friends but make it clear we're going to be dating elsewhere.

You sound like a lovely person, any guy would be lucky to have you - in his life and in his bed.

These blokes know why they don't want sex and they should respect you enough to talk to you about it, not expect you to go on an oh-so-sensitive detective expedition.

New relationships shouldn't be this much hard work.

Dump.

@Orchid damn right!

@fairy wish I could feel as confident as you sound. I feel really sad. I really like my guy. I always feel like it's me. I'm not enough in some way. Maybe I need to go back to counselling.

Of course it's not you! You should go back to counselling. If he's got ED or something, it's not your fault to fix. If he doesn't adore you, he's not worth your time

I know this stuff in my head. That it isn't my issue it is his. But I feel like I'm never good enough. It's not just the sex. I don't even know if I'm meant to be his girlfriend or if he's told anyone in his life about me.

He's kind and supportive in so many ways but the mixed messages are hard for me to deal with.

Whilst I've not had the sex issue before, I have had many men who were unavailable in some way emotionally even if I didn't realise at the time.

I don't know why I feel so emotional about this today. Thanks for listening to me think out loud. X