Normal depression or is my gut telling me something

[longnight]

Apologies if this is long or just a ramble I'm struggling to get my head straight and could really do with outside views.

Straight to the point I haven't had the best run of relationships romantic or platonic at some point they have turned bad due to some form of abuse directed at me.

My ex and I split 2 years ago just before I found out I was pregnant with my youngest due to the fact he was a selfish arsehole and could never put us first even during pregnancy. Since we split he has worked on himself and generally done a 180 flip and now is really supportive and has become less selfish has been more consistent with things and generally how he should have been when we were together. He still has the odd slip where he just doesn't think about how something will affect the kids but on the whole is a far better person.
About 3 weeks ago we decided we would give it another try and it's been good we haven't had the honeymoon period we had first time but I never expected that as we know each other so well and it has been good and we've spoken and if things are still good in 6 months then we will look to him moving in the family home. He's happy kids are happy I was happy but the past week I'm struggling I feel flat and while everything is nice and settled I'm worried I may be sabotaging things.
I don't know what's set it all off but I'm questioning loads of things like decisions I've made in the past and if things would have been different had I chose the other way. I don't completely regret things as if I hadn't made my choices then I wouldn't have my kids but I question if things would have been better for them if I had made different choices. One of the choices I am questioning is to do with someone who was a friend who I ended up cutting contact with before I met my ex now bf. He told me he had strong feelings for me and I freaked and wasn't sure how I felt and we ended up cutting contact as it became very awkward. Looking back I do regret how it ended. I don't even know why this has come up I haven't thought about him in nearly 7 years.

Part of me thinks at the moment I should be really happy as I'm getting what I wanted first time round with my bf but I'm not. I really don't know what's wrong with me and how do I stop feeling like this? A friend thought it could be depression but I've been depressed for a long time in the past and it doesn't feel like that and I'm normally really good about picking up on when it gets too much and it just feels different. I was told feeling like this can be normal in relationships but is it normal 3 weeks in even if it is with someone who was an ex?
Sorry I'm rambling any advice would be appreciated.
TIA

Bumping

Do you feel a sense of regret about the one that got away? The man who had strong feelings for you? Is part of you thinking he may have been The One?

If you're not really happy, then you need to work out why. Perhaps some talking therapy would help. MoodGYM is free.
www.walkalong.ca/explore/MoodGYM
Good luck

Thank you for the reply I'm really not sure I suppose it could be that but id6never thought of him that way and I guess that's what's confusing me. I'll have a look at mood gym. I've had counselling in the past due to abuse but it didn't help much at the time.

Anyone else around to offer advice?

Anyone else around to offer advice?

This is most likely to be your judgment telling you that your partner/husband is not reliable and that his behaviour is likely to change again for the worse.

In what ways and for how long was he a “selfish arsehole”?

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

I think there is something telling you the course you're on isn't the right one.

Thank you for the replies I wasnt expecting anymore and thank you luckylou for bumping this for me.

He was a selfish arsehole for 6 years in total it was things like any decisions that affected our relationship was always based on his needs and what he wanted and he wouldn't compromise on it at all or when we had problems it was his way of sorting it and wouldn't try any other way even when the same things came up I wasn't allowed to bring up that they had happened before as he would get mad and say I was dragging up the past. He lied a lot in the beginning I found out when I was pregnant with our second child he had an older child and he had said he was visiting his parents he told me he was adopted but he wasnt. If any of his family or friends wanted him to do something for them he would rush to it but if I asked he always had more important things to do.
Everytime his ex wanted him to do little jobs or anything at all he would go running no matter if we had plans. It wasn't major things but DIY stuff even though she had a partner. We had agreed when I was pregnant with our dc2 of it was when he on his contact with his older dc he would rearrange it as his ex would only let him have the DC at his parents house as he had missed our dc1 birth and said he didn't want to with dc2. His parents live 100 miles away and he was working nights when I went into labour so I rang him to let him know he said he had to finish shift then went to his parents house and after the birth I rang him and he said we could either have a couple of hours who him or wait 3 days till he took his older DC back. He didn't do any feeds or nights with dc1 and it was only when I was at breaking point with dc2 he started helping and got mad at me for getting upset. Hes called me abusive for losing my temper and shouting and swearing at him and calling him childish or selfish. Even when I pointed out I was only mad because of the stuff he was doing then he would say I was twisting things.
I do still struggle with trust with him and even though he has been more consistent since we split it is always in the back of my mind that hes going to go back on this he says or start running to his ex when she wants him for something.
He didn't like me having Male friends at all and I ended up distancing myself from them even ones who I'd know for 10+ years.

I think a big part of me doesn't think it's going to work this time he's said if it doesn't then it's because I hold onto the past too much and I think part of me thinks he could be right.

Your gut is right.

so, if it doesn’t work out he’s said it’s your responsibility as you can’t let go of the past? The past where he didn’t support you, lied to you and didn’t put you and your children first. It’s putting all the pressure on you to make it work, rather than himself. If he does slide into the old behaviours you’ll find it hard to pull him up on this, as rather than proof that he hasn’t changed, you’ll be expected to forget the past and the previous lessons learned.

Now, let’s say he has changed and wants to make the best of things. I’d say take it slowly and have firm boundaries in place. You know what you don’t want!

Fonduefolics in a nut shell yes that's it. So far he has made changes for the better but in the back of my mind I'm wondering how long it will last for. He finds this unfair and thinks this should be a fresh start and I shouldn't dwell on it but can't seem to understand the only reason it's in my mind is because of how he was before. He seemed to think we would have the honeymoon period again but I felt as we had so much history that it probably wouldn't be the case.

I know I can cope on my own I have for the past couple of years I have 2 dcs from a previous relationship who both have sn they are currently being assessed for asd I'm training at the moment so I can hopefully work around the DC in a couple of years if it all works out. I still love him but in a way I suppose I still resent how be behaved in the past which I think has a part to play in me not fully believing that he has actually changed. The thinking of the old friend has really thrown me and is now making question things but I'm not sure if it's just my head trying to make me confront things.
Sorry I'm just rambling on.

Is it possible you've fallen out of love with him?

If you really want to try with him, I'd say give it at least 2 years before you let him move in. He can't keep up a good front for that long, I believe, and you will feel more sure of things after that much time. But he should really understand if you don't fullly trust his new behaviour, and not be blaming you for "holding onto the past" as you have no other way of judging him! If he can't wait and keep the act up, then he's not for you.

The other guy? I have no idea. Good luck, whichever way you go!! This cannot be easy.

I suppose it could be possible I have. He acts like we did at them beginning and I just can't and I've put that down to our history.
Tbh he can't keep things up for very long and deep down I know theres a high chance he's going to mess up in the next few months.

The only thing I do know is at the moment I feel really confused about everything which I don't think is a good sign and it is starting to get me down.

He really did let you down and honestly many people would struggle to give him another chance after his history.

He invalidated your feelings yet isn't allowing you to feel those emotions so they will be turned inward and that is likely why you feel depressed.

If you didn't have the children would you be with him? Can you list his good traits?

He is also incredibly naive if he thinks it's honeymoon, that happens when you don't know someone and you assume the best about them..in his case he has proven to be a liar and let you down. Are you trying too hard to make this work?

I'm not sure if I would if I'm honest. The kids adore him and he's good with my older dcs. Since we split he's become more helpful with them. He's become more dependable and I know I can call him if theres a problem and I need help. We share some interests like music and films.
I might be trying to hard I'm nearly 40 with more then average amount of kids. My older dcs father left as he didn't want DC with sn and I grew up in a broken home I've always wanted better for my DC.

This relationship is far too big a risk for you to take when you have DC to consider. Do yourself and them a favour, and end the relationship.

I'm going to he's visiting this weekend going to talk to him them. A big part of me wants to do it over the phone so then when he gets mad i can hang up. I know what's going to happen he will accuse me of having someone else hes done it before when we split. I did try talking to him about how I feel and trying to explain things from my pov but he just didn't get it and I was accused of having a go at him.

I didn't want to start a new thread and to try and explain my past with my now ex so thought I'd bump this and ask here.

I did end things last weekend he didn't take it well and accused me of having met someone behind his back as he felt his behaviour in the past shouldn't be an issue now. He accused me again when I asked for my front door key back saying I wanted it for someone else which is a bit true I want to give it my oldest as he starts college this year and tbh I don't see why I should have to pay for a new 1 when he has it and doesn't really need it.
Contact with the dc has to be at mine apparently as he is down south and I'm in the north and has no where for the them to sleep. He's video calling them once a week and seeing them eow. I don't particularly want him here eow but he says that's the only way he can see them. He says if he gives me money towards to the dc then he would see them less the eow as he won't be able to afford to visit them as much. He has apparently taken a day off work so he can be here for 1 DC birthday next week which is nice for the DC but when I asked him to not so things without speaking to me first in future I was asked if that was because i had made plans with another man and now worried about hiding him. It's not i just don't like the idea of him thinking he can turn up as and when he wants. This is mine and my dcs home and i want us to be able to just get on with things.

He's also messaging me every day asking how the dc are and over the past couple of days how I am. I don't mind him asking about the dc obviously but every day seems excessive and with his reaction over the key and me ending it, it feels like he's only doing it to check up on me and make himself present everyday but I might just be paranoid about that. I also know he doesn't do this with his oldest DC dm its every few days.
Would I be wrong in asking him in not messaging so much, if there was a problem with the DC I would obviously let him know like I did in the past. I want to be reasonable about it all but so far when I've tried to explain things he's made out that I'm in the wrong and a nasty bitch and tbh I don't want to have to deal with more accusations. Its draining me and I dread my phone going off.

I want to keep things amicable for the DC but its hard when hes making me out to be nasty and not thinking about the DC. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to broach this with him without it turning into a battle of how I'm making it difficult to see the DC.

It does sound to me as if he is just slightly applying pressure, knowing full well what he is doing, but masking it as concern, and being civil.

He's pulled these type of tricks on me last time we broke up and I let him get away with it. Because he threatened me with court and I can't afford a solicitor. His parents would pay for his and I got worried about him using court to bully me into getting his own way then. He kept telling me he would show the court me refusing what he wanted and it would go against me with the dc and because I would lose he would put me in debt claiming his costs against me. I just want what's fair and best for the DC I have struggled with my mh in the past and worried he'd use that against me.

I should add I once lost my temper and shouted at him and told him to fucking grow up and stop being a childish and selfish prick and put his DC first. Hes told me a few times that makes me abusive and would go against me. I will admit I shouldn't have lost my temper and shouted and sworn at him but I was fed up of him changing how and when he saw the DC and was just frustrated that the DC kept missing out.