Frustrated about not being married

[puddleduckpond]

I feel really shitty about this but I am really sad that my partner of eight years hasn't proposed to me and will not be doing so any time soon.

I honestly didn't realise how much I cared/wanted to be married to him. We have had such a happy relationship, so different to any in my past and to be honest I assumed (almost) right from the beginning that we would be getting married. I thought that he felt the same but now I just don't know.

We live together, we bought our first house a couple of years ago and we bought a dog... no children yet (we are early thirties). Now I am second guessing myself and wondering if we shouldn't have done these things without having a proper conversation about what we wanted for our future.

It's not that we haven't talked about marriage, we have quite a lot over the years and he is always saying about how we are going to grow old together, plans for the future etc. I don't know when this stopped being enough for me.

I am ashamed to say that over the past 2 years I have been making more and more hints and have admitted to him that I am upset that it hasn't happened yet. I know that this is probably the worst thing I could have been doing and I know very unattractive and pathetic.

I just didn't think it would go this way and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with anybody else but I am so frustrated about the situation I feel as though it's the elephant in the room all of the time. I would like to move on and just live a happy life regardless of whether we are married or not but I am feeling foolish for getting so wrapped up in this relationship thay I don't really have anything else. I think I need to 'find myself' (or something less cringe) and build myself back up again but I have no idea how to go about this.

The reason I am posting on here is because I don't have anybody else to talk to about my feelings.

Can you propose to him? Or do what my parents did and sit down and say ‘we’ve done XYZ so really we should get married for ABC pragmatic reason’? The first is more romantic and the second more practical depending on his personality.

Hints get you no where in life.

Yes I could do but I don't think he would like that.

Being honest, I think I wanted the romantic proposal. Not expensive or flashy but personal to us.

Or maybe he just doesn't realise how important it is to you? Some men/people are happy to sail through life, without considering marriage or wanting the bother of planning a wedding (I was a bit like that myself).

It certainly doesn't sound like he's afraid of commitment; you bought s home together and have discussed and planned your future together.

I think you need to be more open and firm with him, and figure out which one it is. Lay it to him straight. Hinting never works speaking from experience about many things in life

Apart from not being married, do you guys have some sort of registered partnership in case something bad should happen?

Also, I think you need to have a serious talk with him regarding both your wants and expectations.

What reason does he give for NOT wanting to marry you, OP?
Does he fear commitment?
Is he afraid it will give you legal rights, protection, and access to his money in the event of a divorce?
Is he just “marking time” with you until someone better comes along?
If you are unhappy about not being married, and he doesn’t care, what does that say about your relationship? And the level of communication?
There is a large elephant in your room, and a possibly painful conversation waiting to be had, OP.

Captskippy - No we don't have any kind of registered relationship.

Babdoc - He has said that it is to do with money and he wants to be totally set up financially first. I do understand this and I can see where he is coming from. He also knows though that I don't expect an expensive engagement ring/wedding.

Holdmygirl - I think you're right about him not fearing commitment. We have discussed children as well.

So far you have all said the same that I need to have a talk with him. I think I agree.

Don't have children with him until you are married and have talked about how finances will work.
I don't get his argument.
Surely you work to be financially secure together?

I think his point is totally valid about finances as he feels that & you cannot argue a feeling.

Marriage is not for everyone, makes perfect sense but, if it’s more important to you than what you have you need to take action. Good luck

Hellsbellsmelons - I'm not sure either. I think because he had a career change a couple of years ago and it has taken some time for his income to stablise. I have been the higher earner for the past 4-5 years but now we are about equal.

But yes, we work together and split mortgage, bills etc 50/50.

The reason I am posting on here is because I don't have anybody else to talk to about my feelings

You need to talk to him.

Also don’t be fobbed off with it’s just a bit of paper. Legally it isn’t, especially if you’re going to bring children in to it at some point.

Have a sensible, practical conversation with him about it.

If you want to have dc together and you hope to reduce your hours, or become a sahp, (or indeed if he does), or have a long maternity leave, you need to have the financial protection of marriage.

If you're not fussed on a big meringue wedding, you could marry on the cheap and just get it done.

If you really want marriage, don't have dc first. There'll always be a good reason to put it off or not enough money afterwards.

Why is being married so important to you?

Is it a religious or cultural thing? Seriously though, if you want to marry someone you need to be able to communicate with them.

Sit down and have an honest chat. Do NOT have children with him without a secure financial arrangement in place.

He also knows though that I don't expect an expensive engagement ring/wedding. Therefore his argument about wanting to be financially set up first makes no sense. I think he's using it as an excuse.

You need to find out what his real reasons for not wanting to get married are, as much as you need to work out why it's so important to you that you do.

There is no middle ground here.

8 years is a looooooong time.

Friends of ours just got engaged and had been dating 6years!!!! My DP and I were 🤨 about it as we think that’s way too long.
Also in part, because I have been very clear from the get about marriage and relationship milestones.

Have a sensible conversation with him but before you do that work out if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is and he won’t commit, you need to walk away.
8 years in you know if this is something you want or not.

Oh, gawd, why are so many women in 2019 still hooked on this 'romantic proposal' rot? You need to work out if this is a dealbreaker for you and stick to that (really would not recommend having kids with him if it means that much to you, OR, the worst decision a person can make unless independently wealthy, giving up FT work to look after kids you have with an unmarried partner).

The proposal thing is not going to happen. So determine what marriage means to you and then speak sensibly and maturely to him.

Don't be fobbed off with one of those engagements that lasts forever, either.

Do not have children with him until you are married. In a normal healthy relationship the question of marriage should be part of a natural conversation when taking about your future, ie children etc. If it is an awkward subject to be able to discuss frankly then you should take it that he just doesn't want to marry you.

Unless you are an 18 year old virgin posting from 1920, you don’t need to await a proposal. You do, however, need to resolve this before children are thrown into the mix. Just tell him that you’d like to marry next year and that a big pricey extravaganza won’t be necessary. If he huffs and puffs, you’ll have your answer re. his level of commitment and you can cut your losses and move on.

Do you want to be married or do you want the whole hearts and flowers rigmarole? If it’s the former then just ask him. Either way you’ll know where you stand. If it’s all the fluffy bunny crap you’re just going to have to keep dropping hints until you or he gets bored of it.

I have seen couples in this situation, when push comes to shove (the partner wants children) then they walk. I'm not saying this will happen to you OP, but I think your conversations need to focus on how you plan to practically manage to bring up children. When is enough money enough for him? Is he prepared for the impact of kids on your finances etc. The last thing you want are surprises and finding out much later that you were not on the same page. Weddings do not have to break the bank either. It just tinkles alarm bells.

If he doesn't want to be married, respect his choice or move on. It's has huge legal ramifications, just ask anyone who's got divorced. Perhaps he's seen a devastating divorce in his family and doesn't want to risk it, that is totally understandable. Unless you're been through a divorce you've no idea the carnage that can happen. I'll never marry again, because I don't want to put my stability and that of my children in another person's hands, no matter how much I love them. Think about it from his point of view, what does he stand to gain that he doesn't have already? What could he possibly lose in a divorce. I know you want to stay together forever but the divorce rate is 50%, those odds are pretty bad. Whatever your choice, do not try and browbeat him into a choice he doesn't want, that will only lead to disaster.