Lacking personality at work...

[GaynorGoodwin]

I work in a large open plan office (mainly women). I struggle to keep up with the conversation unless it’s only a small group of us talking at one time. The times it’s not (and they are noisy) I find myself not able to know what to say. Recently at lunch times in the canteen I’m the same.
I see others just sit down and talk with whomever happens to be at the table, but I can’t always do that. I look before I park my backside in case I see someone I don’t know what to say to...they are always going out and I don’t...
Does anyone else struggle like this? How do you deal with this?
I’m feeling more dull and boring everyday..

I'm not 'in' with any of the crowds at work and I prefer it that way - I like to keep a bit of distance. It's better not to become involved in drama and gossip. I like quiet time at lunch, to read or just think, so I deliberately sit on my own. I'd rather be thought boring than get caught up in some of the nonsense that goes on in the office.

See the benefits of your situation and you'll feel much better about it.

Are you interested in them, and in what they're talking about? Do you want the sort of lives they have?

It's work, not school. Just focus on what you're paid to do.

It's easier to ask about other people and get them to talk about themselves and their interests. Having something to say can make you feel more connected to people. But most people like a good listener. Ask just a couple of simple questions about a person and see what happens. One of the easiest ways of starting is something like commenting on the traffic to work. Then ask which way they get to work. Which leads to where they live or whether they've ever gone to X place... Good luck.

I was the same. I wasn't one of the slim pretty gregarious young ones (which our office seemed to hire a lot), and just couldn't really relate to what they talked about. The men had no real interest in talking to me (as I wasn't one of the above), so I just got on with my own thing, ate my lunch, and got on with work.

I went through a stage at work where I was desperately unhappy and being around lots of people talking about all the plans they had etc really difficult to listen to. Some days I would take a book and read that, other days I'd take myself off for a lunchtime walk.

I'm not great in huge groups of people anyway and do better in a smaller group.

Is there anyone in the group who you do feel comfortable talking to?

It depends if this bothers you - do you want to be a part of the group, or do you just feel you ought to be and/or that other people are judging you because you're not?

I'm really bad in big group situations, and much prefer one to ones, or to be in my own company. But on occasions where I have to be in a big group I try to target the person next to me and start a conversation about something I've observed - maybe it's their outfit, and accessory, the food, coffee, the event we're at, something that's happened that morning - to establish some common ground.

There's a book called "Yes, and..." which may help you. It was written by a comedy troupe in Chicago that also does outreach to companies. It's about how to think on your feet, move conversations along.

One of the most profound ideas I took away from it was when you are in a group all you have to bring to it is one brick. You don't have to bring the entire cathedral, just one brick. You are not responsible for every part of the conversation.

So sometimes just laughing at something funny is sufficient to show participation. You don't have to say anything.

Hi all and thanks for replying. I’m actually a chatty kind of person but with some of them I literally cannot think what to say. I’ll bear in mind your replies, so thanks again I don’t feel so bad now I know others feel the same.

Find one or two good people at work you can reach out to. Be friendly, measured it what you say and relax. Keep your head down and work. Shift your focus.

It is hard being yourself at work I find, if you are outgoing and bubbly and like to have a laugh, other people get to offended and end up reporting you I find, I just tone it down, which really is quite boring. But outside of work with friends you can be yourself.

I've learned to be authentic. Give very few fucks what people at work think, other than that you're reliable, smart and show up to work, do your share of the heavy lifting, all the other stuff is pure distraction, it's noise and won't get you paid a penny piece more, nor remembered on your leaving day.

Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

I like being dull! I go to work not to chat. Happy to listen to the others prattle about inanities as long as they don't get over-excited or loud. No need to join in.

Most people love to talk about themselves. Just ask questions & attentively listen. Will make you miss popular if you are a good listener.

I’m exactly like you. My mind goes blank when trying to talk to others, whether at work or even family gatherings. I find the only thing I can talk about is work or kids.
If I’m on my way to the photocopy room or kitchen etc at work I’ll turn around and go back in when they’re gone.
I just don’t know what to say and don’t want the awkward silences/exchanges.

Sounds like maybe your work doesn’t have a culture that suits you? I’m quiet and reflective but where I work (public sector) people are more similar to me and there is no big drinking/ going out culture. People tend to have a range of interests.

@21jib, yes this is me exactly. My mind just goes blank and I just cannot think what to say. I’ve even taken to eating my lunch just a bit too early or later to avoid having to talk. The thought of having to talk about myself, family, etc just scares me a bit if I’m honest. I’m not much better when I’m in the office and freeze when there’s a conversation going on. I’m often the only one NOT talking. Just feel such a bloody boring sad sod!

@lljkk; I find myself listening but to join in, I just can’t seem to do. I laughed when you said people like to talk about themselves, your so right there!