I have a VERY heavy heart

[BitemeBlondie]

Where to start? Short history of me, very abusive childhood. Throw in every kind you can think of. So, looking back, what an idiot was I thinking I'd ever have normal relationships, I hadn't a hope but I'm only realising this now.

Went out with a guy in my 20's for six years, again extremely abusive locking me in cupboards, very sexually abusive.
So I had to connive my way out of the relationship, I was really scared of him, he actually followed me back home from abroad, I thought he'd never go away.

I met dh just after that at 31, a friend (although not close) of my brother's through college, I thought everything was finally falling into place. But my God so many warning signs that I ignored when I met husband.
We'd drive down the road and he'd slow the car down to check out other women walking, I told him it hurt me when he did that, he said it was a habit and he wanted 'to see if their face was as good looking as the rest of them' oh my God I just realized how bad that was now writing it out!!

We would go out to parties with friends and he would openly flirt with different girls in front of me then tell me I was 100% imagining it. That's gaslighting isn't it? I just realized that too 😲

Prioritising friends and family over me even now.
I had so much fear and anxiety that I just put up with whatever shit he threw at me. I remember projectile vomiting one morning before work. My God I'm writing all this out in shock remembering all this! I was locked inside my head ☹️
I remember being so disappointed with the sex and thinking, it'll get better (it hasn't). I didn't meet his family for TWO years! His mother is a narcissistic nightmare I'm not surprised he kept her away so long.

And then what did I do? I made the mistake of marrying him. At the wedding, everyone kept coming up to me and telling me how lucky I was to get him. His mother said would you not marry other brother, you're taking the best one. (Sorry this is long.) So I was like, wow I must be so lucky, I don't think I deserve him. I've spent the last 10 years being made to believe that.

I've never felt good enough no matter what I do. We have two really wonderful children, they're so so good. I looked at them when they were born and wished them all that I didn't get growing up. All that abusive shit was stopping with my generation. I've completely failed there already.

I'm just looking back at the shit I've put up with, the financial abuse, constant put downs, misogynistic crap. He comes home and criticises my cooking, thinks he's 100% right about everything. I can't ask questions or have a simple discussion with him, he takes the hump, good forbid I slightly raise my tone of voice. I realized that Im a bit scared of him even though he's never physically hurt me. I find myself backing off as soon as I sense his anger.

Everything is in his name, literally EVERYTHING. My car, even my mobile number that I've had since way before we met. He would probably take the car even though I paid the down payment myself.

And now, Im pretty sure that he's cheating on me. He's on WhatsApp constantly. He's started going out waay more than he ever did in fact he rarely drank, now he's constantly looking for 'a night out' with anyone but me. He was out with people he barely knows on Friday until 1:30am, he was on WhatsApp all night. When he passed out I sneaked a look at his phone and there was nothing on it even though i knew he'd been active less than half hour before. I can't prove anything, it's like he's James bond or something the way he can hide.
He's lost weight and suddenly very interested in healthy eating.

Walking around freezing his nuts off in this ridiculous MK summer jacket he spent€250 on. I think he's making a complete arse of himself socially just from observing his behavior when we're out.

No interest is sex, not that I'm missing it, it hasn't been great anyway.
He has no interest in family life lately and he's moody as hell!!!

So I'm in a bind now. I have no job (he wouldn't LET me get one even part time). I have been looking, he found out I'm looking and was delighted the letter he found said they weren't hiring. I can't see anything out there I really don't know what to do. Both kids have special needs so wouldn't cope with an after school nursery, one of us needs to pick them up, so I need something part time because he's not going to cut his hours to do it.
I want to visit a solicitor to find out my rights, but I don't know if it's the codependent thing in me, or fear but I don't want to go alone. I have no one to openly talk to about it.
I know so many women locally whose husbands have left them penniless, they've had to fight tooth and nail for maintenance, taking year's to get some kind of settlement (we're not in UK)

Sounds stupid but I feel the need to get proof of his cheating. Everyone thinks he's this angel, random people gush to me about how f-ing wonderful he is. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone.
Oh and both his siblings marriages have failed too, one of them physically abusive.

His family are horrible, they treat my kids like they're THEIR kids, the mother treats me so badly in front of them; my fear is that they'll try to take them away from me because I suffer with depression and anxiety and I worry that he'll use my abusive childhood as a means to take them away from me.

So I just feel like I need to plan, put money away, save save save. Try to find a job. But worry am I mentally strong enough to wait that long.
Sorry it was so long.
I've just reread all of that and realized it's way worse than I ever thought. I don't know what to do 😭.
Be gentle with me it's going to take courage to push the create post button, my self esteem is in the toilet. x

well done for hitting "post" OP

Have you had a long round to see if the country you're in has any organisations for women who are being abused?

Are you originally from the UK? Your post reads like you're a native English speaker.

Have you anyone you can talk to in RL friends, extended family ( not involved in your abusive childhood). Is there anyone who would put you and your children up for a while to give you breathing space.
Is there such a thing as Women’s Aid or refuges where you live.
Would one of the local women you know who have been through the process,go to a solicitor
with you for moral support, or just to talk to.
Could you access counselling, you could lie and say to your DH it’s about your childhood rather than about your marriage, it wouldn’t even be a total lie would it?
Are you getting treatment for your depression and anxiety if not please speak to a doctor. Medication may help you feel more positive.
Tbh I wouldn’t focus on the cheating at the moment it almost irrelevant, he’s a bastard wether he is cheating or not.
Use the thought of your children growing up in this toxic environment to give you strength, you don’t have to do it all at once small steps are good, keep applying for jobs, what would you do in the school holidays for childcare try and find out your options.
Plans don’t have to be big and dramatic, focus on putting one foot in front of the other just make sure they are in the direction you want to go.

No advice really just wanted to say I'm so sorry you've had such a shit life 💐 you can escape, lots of people have done it, there's help out there you can get. Then maybe stay away from relationships for a bit until you're more centered and confident!

I had a similar start (abusive childhood, a bit of everything) and went straight into a violent and abusive relationship which lasted four years. I thought I was wise to it after that, but then got into another violent relationship with someone that lasted six years. So I understand what you mean about normal relationships. Because of our childhoods, our blueprints for relationships are all messed up.

Are you from the UK originally? Why are you abroad?

I was so controlled and beaten down by my ex that I was afraid to do anything on my own. It gets easier. Take small steps and it will get easier each time. Years ago, after I ended the first abusive relationship, I was afraid to even go to sleep on my own. I’d have panic attacks without my ex in the room. So I started listening to talk radio stations for “company” and practised breathing techniques. Within a few days I was much calmer. Fast forward to now, I prefer to sleep alone

You CAN do this. You CAN see a solicitor on your own. Seeing a solicitor and knowing your rights will make you feel stronger. It will give you options. Talk here, let everything out, just be careful to delete your browsing history if you think there’s a chance your husband might find this thread.

And I agree with what PP said about counselling. I think it would be really useful for you, and would be a crutch through this very difficult time.

(((Hugs))) @OP
He sounds like a complete narcissist and womaniser! It also strikes me as a midlife crisis if he’s suddenly trying his best to look and act young! You’re right that he’s purposely deleting his messages off WhatsApp so he must have something to hide!
If I were you I would go to the CAB and find out your rights and what you’re entitled to. Next I would apply to your local council for housing support. If you suggest you want to leave an abusive relationship they should speed up your application.
Is your current house rented or do you own?

Thanks so much for replying.
I think writing all that out last night, really opened up the can of worms for me. I've been very emotional all day.
I started seeing a psychotherapist a couple of months ago, thought I was going to talk about my family, turns out I spend all my time talking about him! So I put a call in to her, waiting on a call back.

I'm afraid of making wrong decisions. I texted my sister in law (husbands brothers wife). They're separated and starting the process of divorce. It's all so messed up, noone discuses the fact that she's gone, it's like she never existed, no mention that they've even split up. Anyway, she's still quite angry so I'm not sure it would be good to tell her about my situation as I'd be afraid in case she tells someone before anything proper happens.
but I'm meeting her for coffee in the morning. She was telling me ages ago thatshe has this kick ass solicitor, and I wondered if maybe I could find out who it is. I might pretend it's for a friend or something. Apparently my BIL was raging she got in with this solicitor before him, they turned him away. They have no children so it will be a bit easier for them from that point of view. Is that a good idea to ask her do you think? I'm doubting myself all the time.

We do have a house, married 10 years and only just got it two years ago. He thinks he's great with money but honestly he's terrible, even though I have no access to the accounts, he always says we're short on cash. I can't understand it, he's on a really good salary! Something isn't right with the financials, I don't know what he's spending it on but it doesn't add up. I'm no clothes horse, it's not me spending.
He was writing cheques years ago to the brother who is divorcing (bil wasn't married at the time) but told me he had stopped. Bil was demanding money off him, they're all so controlling!
Then a letter came in the post one day about 5/6 years ago, and something made me open it, it was a loan approval from the bank. He hadn't told me he was taking out. Little things like that he's extremely sneaky about.
Anyway, last night he took the hump with me and went to bed without saying goodnight. I asked him too many questions about something to do with the house 🙄I can't ask anything.
So I haven't heard from him all day, normally he's texting me all day, I'd get 6/7 texts a day.
I feel as though it's all coming to a head now. We're supposed to be going out with friends on Saturday night, we rarely go out.
Getting a solicitor and finding out where I stand seems to be the priority. I don't really have a place to go bar my brother's house but he lives over an hour away and there wouldn't be any room for us all.
I actually joined a gym a couple weeks ago and was laughing to myself, well at least if I end up sleeping in the car I can still get a shower.

And thank you for all your support 🤗

The way you feel so disavke

Apologies for the above nonsense, my phone is playing up and I’m a new MN user so unsure how to delete!

Just to say well done for posting OP. You seem to have everything right in your head. Everything you wrote makes sense. Planning is key. I wonder if going to the solicitor makes it all seem more real. But maybe going on your own is the right thing to do so you can think it all through. I'm sure MNers will support you through this

I'm glad you're reaching out for help.

Well done for taking the first steps! You deserve such a wonderful life without him. I hope you get everything you want and need xx

It's actually quite moving to read your posts OP. You are very clearly at a turning point in your life and you need to make sure you keep going. You seem to think clearly, despite his attempts at years of conditioning and I'm sure you'll figure out the best way to escape, with your kids.
Don't be afraid to post whenever and wherever you want, people are only too happy to pass on their experience and help. Good luck

So sorry for you -Op . Your post made me cry. Can’t offer any advice but it makes me so angry that anyone has to go through this. Stay strong and don’t lose hope.

Are there any Woman's aid organisations near you - could anyone from there accompany you to your solicitor for a hand-hold? In fact, even if they can't it's worth seeing if they can advise you as well. Everything helps.

Good for you. It's taken a lot of courage for you to even post here so well done and onward and upwards.

I'm so sorry OP you are going through this. Whatever it takes, you know you have to get away from this man. Its hard to know what to advice when you're not in the UK, as the laws may be different. In the UK if you are married, you own half of everything regardless of whose name is on the house etc.
Definitely get an appointment with a solicitor - find out which one your ex SIL used. Snoop about in the house for any paperwork relating to finances etc.
Keep looking for work. Open your own bank account if you have any money at all.
Does he give you pocket money then? how do you buy anything?
This man is a disgusting human being OP and does not deserve you.

Look after yourself. Talk to a rl friend who you can trust. Start planning a life for yourself. Once you have that, your esteem will start to resurface. Find love 💗

OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through, your post really struck a chord with me. I don't know where in the world you live so not sure what the laws are like there compared to the U.K, but please see a solicitor as soon as possible. Once you are out of this situation you won't be able to believe it and will be wondering why you took so long to leave. There's a much better life at the other side of this, honestly, my only regret is that I took so long to leave

Oh I'm sorry to make you cry BabyShark!

Thank you everyone,well i guess I've done a lot of work on myself the past five years, it's felt like preparation for what's been going on and possibly has opened my eyes to reality. I've made a lot of effort to release the childhood trauma, it felt important to do that as I wanted it to not affect my children.
Meditation helps me a lot.

I'm blaming myself a bit for all this, it takes two doesn't it. I'm not the best housekeeper and my time keeping is terrible, he's obsessed with that stuff. That all contributes to my anxiety. Sometimes I think I set myself up to fail.

Anyway, we've had a very stressful two years, my mother passed away, I had a fall and had to have surgery almost immediately after her death which really knocked me for six, it wasn't a serious injury, it was just the trauma all catching up with me. Then one of my siblings went into recovery and I spent alot of time helping them which was very emotionally draining. He's probably just sick of it all.

Although over the years there have been one of two incidences where I thought there might be someone else. I received a text from him once that didn't feel like it was for me, nothing sordid, just odd timing, asking how are you xx when I'd literally just driven away. Little things. There's a woman in his work that he's admitted fancying. At first I thought maybe he just had a crush but I'm starting to believe it's more than that.
Onetime yes I think you're right about going to see the solicitor on my own. I feel so aware that I'm dependent on others, scares me the thought of going but feels important that I do.
I'm worried about money and the children, I retrained a few years ago and have been trying to work at it one day a week but it's not a reliable income at all, one week I could have two clients then I might not get anything for a month.

Thanks for all your lovely words And support ❤️❣️🙏

OP you are still blaming yourself! you need to stop this.
Saying you're not a great house-keeper or time-keeper. I'm sure he knew that when he married you and is hardly reason to treat someone the way he's treating you.
The only one to blame here is HIM.

Small but positive steps, great start. Were you friendly with SIL beforehand? She is putting her trust in you as well that you won’t tell anything you discus together to your husband who would tell his brother and make things more difficult for her. You could be a great support for each other.
Good news about the psychotherapist you have a safe space to discus your feelings and time to work out a plan.
Gym, great idea keeps you going out and meeting people if you have money for gym membership can you get access to some cash in case you have to leave suddenly.
Is your money in joint accounts could you check up on your finances? Do some more digging around at home about financial stuff. You mention a car, could you use that in an emergency to get to your brothers, even if he has the smallest living space in the world you and your kids could crash out on a sofa and a couple of chairs as a temp measure. Could you keep important documents and overnight bags at his house in case you need to leave in a hurry.
These friends you are meeting, are they your friends or his, could you trust them? Don’t worry if he’s got the hump at least you are not having to pretend everything is fine. Keep up the job hunting as well, reach out to any contacts you have.
You can do this.

There are many of us here sadly with similar stories OP who fully understand how much courage you have shown by posting and how much courage it will take you to change things, and we are rooting for you.

You are amazing op, took me five years to gain the courage.

Please keep going, just keep fucking going!