Abusive relationship, when will it get easier??

[firsttimemum123456]

I've been split up with my abusive ex since January. No contact. I don't want to go into the ins and outs but police are still involved and he isn't allowed to contact me as per bail conditions. I'm 25 weeks pregnant with his child. It has taken me some while but I feel that I can do the parenting thing without him, I know it will be easier without him.

I definitely Don't want to get back with him. I know how disgusting he treated me. The abuse was both emotional and physical. Even when I was pregnant he had his hands round my throat and threatened me. And even the baby. It's horrible to even admit that on here. I know now I didn't love him. He was like a drug to me, I was addicted to him but he was so bad for me.

I have been so strong the last few months. Moved house so he doesn't know where I live, sorted everything out for my new house, started getting stuff ready for the baby, even started planning nurseries for when I go back to work. Everyone has said how well I've coped. But I just feel so much anger at him. Like really really angry. He has treated me so badly and there is no comeuppance for him. Yes the police are involved but he hasn't been formally charged and is only on bail. The police have been really great and helpful but I can't help thinking there may not be enough evidence to formally charge him. Therefore he will get off and be able to go and treat other women the way he treated me.

I really can't get over my anger towards him. And recently its extended to his family, they're so fucking naive. They saw how he treated me, they all begged me to leave him. I get that they're his family but it's almost like they've started to believe all his lies about me.

Would anyone be able to give some advice about getting over these feelings. I am hoping as I get nearer to birth and when she is finally here and I get to meet my gorgeous baby I won't even think about him and these feelings will all go away. I just struggle to talk about this to anyone in real life because I don't want to upset any of my family and friends and make them worry about me. They all think I am doing really well.

You are doing really well. It is understandable that you feel angry but I am not qualified to help. All I can suggest is that you stay strong.

Women’s Aid are brilliant in terms of practical and emotional support. They may be able to help you re counselling.

Also contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) re obtaining a non-molestation order if he is not charged and bail conditions are lifted.

Well, for a start, you ARE doing well! You've done so much, against the backdrop of moving and abuse from twunt ex, the rest will almost be plain sailing in comparison.

Secondly, (i don't see whether it's DP or DH), don't put him on the birth certificate.

Thirdly, his family can go fuck themselves. I don't care how wishy-washy supportive you think they've been, they're not supporting you, now when you NEED support. So fuck em

The very best of luck for you and DD.

Perhaps I'm out of order but I wonder if you're still obsessing over him, and how unhealthy that would be.

Going forward you will, as you say, have lovely things to focus on, with your baby at the heart. But are you now still in the trap of your addiction to him?

Buy a punch bag and stick a photo of him on it, I think anger needs to be expressed to get it out of your system otherwise it festers and grows and eats you up. You were treated very badly and how you are feeling is completely normal.
You have done incredibly well, you should be very proud of yourself. Stay strong and let the anger out. In time you will feel indifferent and that is when you know you have healed.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Hi OP, i was in exactly the same position as you 30 years ago. Even down to the hands around my throat when pregnant..I had a DS who people would constantly tell me looked like his dad, they soon shut up i can tell you.
You are doing really really well, and in my experience as you get nearer to the birth and meet your lovely baby, the desire to protect her turns you into a lioness protecting her cub!
The anger doesnt just disappear overnight though, but your focus switches, so the anger becomes less and less relevant in your life.
As PP have said, contacting WA is a great idea for speeding up the process, and don't put him on the birth certificate.
You've done all you can as far as him getting, or not getting, charged, and if his family are choosing to believe him now, thats their problem, not yours! You will soon have a much more important person to think about x

Counselling.
Lots of talk therapy.
Time.

Well done by the way. This leaving him is an enormous act of love for yourself and your baby - you’ll get there. Be kind to yourself.

I’m currently reading this book about Angry and Abusive men. In the book she recommends another book called It’s MY life now The second book is possibly more appropriate for you as it is all about what happens after you have left. I am still in the mess of it all but the first book above has made me realise why I kept going back for more, it also explains how they deceive so that people their side. I have read the first part of the book ‘it’s my life now’ and from that I would recommend it.

That said I get a lot from books and find them incredibly helpful, there have been quite a few penny drop moments.

Good luck and stay strong op, from where I’m sitting I think you’ve done the hardest part by leaving so well done for that.