Really upset with DH

[MeadowHay]

I don't know if this is the right place to post and I don't know what I want in response...maybe people to tell me I am being unreasonable with my expectations? I don't want to be one of those people who say 'my husband is great' or 'hes a great dad' and then a long list of things that display he is not. Because I wouldn't have a long list anyway. It's mostly just housework and the mental load. We have had talk after talk after talk and he apologises and gets upset and says he will do better, his response to absolutely everything I ask him to do - note I ALWAYS ask him, he never does anything off his own back - is "I'm sorry, I'll do it tomorrow, I promise". Repeat ad infinitum. Yesterday I had a huge meltdown with him and he got upset. It's also hard as he gets upset whenever I try and talk to him about it almost as if I'm in the wrong somehow. I've not long gone back to work after mat leave, DD is 10 months and i really don't feel he is pulling his weight with the housework and certainly not any of the mental load. While I was pregnant I had conversation after conversation with him in anticipation of this and obviously he promised he would step up and like all men who say that, it hasn't happened. We have friends coming to stay with us for the bank holiday weekend and I'm at work, he has been off today and DD was in nursery so I asked him to clean all the house ready for them coming, I had to make a list of all the jobs that need doing, like he is a child or something. He did everything off the list but didn't do anything that I forgot to put on there e.g. clean the bath or put away the dry laundry that is on radiators and in baskets. I spoke to him about it before, upset, and he said he didn't have time. Our house is an average sized 3 bed terrace, not some mammoth mansion that would take all day to clean. All he did was dust and hoover it and change the bedding, and make up a bed for a friend, and he did make DD's bottles which I didn't ask him to do. That's it. He was home alone from about 10am until about 5.30pm. AIBU that this is ridiculous? What am I meant to do about this? In every other way hes great. It's just housework and the mental load stuff. And I know loads of people who have partners who do zero housework and/or zero baby stuff. So it feels like I shouldn't complain. But I don't think 'not super shit' is good enough really.

Not super shit isn’t good enough, no.

I had a DP like that, youngest of 5 boys, his Mum was a SAHM, she ironed their pants, breakfast, lunch, dinner on the table etc...it wasn’t that he couldn’t do it, it wasn’t that he didn’t see it was just as much his responsibility to do it, he was just ‘really busy’. I was ‘really busy’ too and tbf he didn’t expect ME to do it, he just seemed to think the house fairies would, or something.

Sadly I can’t give you any advice though, because we split up, not really what you want to hear when you have a baby and it’s not like he’s shagging the babysitter. But it is soul destroying.

Lots of people will say just tell him to take on his share, which is right, but you CANNOT make someone take on the mental load or suddenly just ‘see’ what needs doing and do it.

Is he fit & well physically and mentally.

Could you have a rota of jobs to do daily/weekly/monthly. Not ideal I know but if its in black and white maybe there's more chance of it getting done. Also an accessible calendar for other things to be aware of... Appointments/visits etc. I don't think you are being unreasonable. You are a team and he's not pulling his weight for whatever reason. Good luck.

Please, please let me recommend The Organised Mum Method. You can find her on YouTube, Instagram and she has a website with FREE printable sheets on it. It’s v simple - Level 1 jobs take around 15 minutes and must be done daily. Then Level 2 jobs which are done Monday to Friday leaving the weekends free. I wish I’d had it when my two were babies. I am now a single mum with primary aged children and this has been a total game changer /lifesaver.
It’s frustrating to be expected to carry the mental load. However, in your partners favour he is willing enough to do things if he’s given a list so maybe this could work if the printouts are pinned up where he can see what needs to be done each day?
I know it doesn’t ‘solve’ the underlying problem but I swear this method really helps keep your house under control and that seems to lake tackling other issues easier.

www.theorganisedmum.blog/category/free-printables/

Yes he is fit and well both physically and mentally. He is honestly amazing in many other respects. Like he has and does go totally above and beyond in some situations. I have a history of severe mental ill health and he took on a massive caring role for me when I needed it for a couple of years relatively early into our relationship for example. He has a good heart and he adores DD and he pulls his weight with childcare for example he since I stopped breastfeeding at about 12 weeks, DD has been a fairly sleeper generally but on the whole he has done much more of the night waking stuff than me since then. So he's not one of 'those' men that does nothing and doesn't do nights with the baby or anything. It's just domestic work and mental load stuff.

We could do a rota but he probably wouldn't even look at it. Or he will do what's on the rota and I will forget to write something obvious down and he won't do it as it wasn't on there. We have had discussions many times before about calendars and the like. We have a calendar, he doesn't hardly write anything on it and he hardly ever checks it. We keep a running shopping list on the fridge which we've done for years, or should I say I've done for years, as he hardly ever writes anything on it and hardly ever looks at it on the odd occasion he goes to the shop he buys random stuff that we don't need and doesn't buy stuff that we do. My first week back at work because I didn't manage to sort the food shopping at one point we ran out of bread, cereal, milk, and washing up liquid. I tell him to make lists and use these resources because it's not like I memorise everything, I use the calendar and shopping lists etc and he apologises and sometimes goes through a few weeks of checking them, and then he just goes back to normal and stops. We've talked about this stuff umpteen times.

Most men haven't got a clue how to do housework because they haven't been shown. This morning I had to bury my face into the pillow because my DH didn't have an ironed shirt, got into a strop over it (I'm a SAHM so to be fair...) and insisted on doing it himself. He couldn't even switch it on, then I heard him getting angry as he was using it on the lowest setting.

Men need to be taught how to do household stuff. You need to train him up.

I had to make a list of all the jobs that need doing, like he is a child or something. He did everything off the list but didn't do anything that I forgot to put on there

He did everything on the list you left for him, and you're upset because he didn't think of doing any of the things that you'd also forgotten about? I think you're being a bit unfair in that instance.

Best way to share the load when you've gone back to work is to make one set of jobs his and his alone. He can do them in his own time ('tomorrow'), but if he never gets around to it, he has to deal with the consequences.

e.g. If it's his job to do the shopping and cooking, and he gets home one evening to finds there's no food in because he hasn't shopped, he's the one who goes back out to restock. It doesn't matter if you're sitting around with your feet up - his job, he does it.

The mental load is hard to divide up, but you can expect him to pick up the mental load associated with his set of chores, e.g. know what needs buying and what's running low, remember to unpack all the groceries and put it away.

It sounds like at the moment you're trying to share all the jobs, and he's not properly engaging with any of them because he knows you'll do it.

l don’t see why we need to train them up. Surely most of these kind of skills they should already know? When my partner and l moved in together then l made clear he had to pull his weight. My job is just as stressful as his and l usually do more hours. Between the 2 of us we divided up tasks he did, l did and do together in the fairest way possible. We have had our fair share of rows about tasks being done and how well. 18 months in l appear to be getting somewhere. If he wasn’t stepping up then l would be tempted to deliberately “forget” to do something and drop the ball. He needs to learn that he has to contribute and do his fair share. Obviously making sure you and DC are ok

If you google "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink" and get him to read it. It explains how it makes a woman feel having to ask her partner to help around the house all the time.

Well my mum did most things for me as well as my brothers too. However, we somehow managed to learn to do it fir ourselves when we grew up and left home (even if more kids my standards were low). So no, no special training needed. If they see a dirty floor or bath then they can imagine what is needed to clean them even if they haven't been trained.

I've never done fixing the car or filling the water tank or putting air in the tyres before but since splitting up I googled and managed to do it. For jobs that I struggle with I pay a professional to do it.

And a grown up shouldn't need another grown up to tell him what to do, no. Sit down with a spreadsheet and both of you list everything to do on there (including booking holidays, insurance etc) and split the tasks up . Tell him that you will not check or remind him of his tasks, they simply won't get done and suffer the consequences. And stick to that.

I don't see why women should train men up. I didn't learn to iron from my mother, we were taught how to in textiles class in primary school, both boys and girls. I'm almost mid-forties so not the youngest person here.

It seems like he is a good man and he isn't lazy. You have a small baby so life will be hectic. It could be that you and him have different standards, by your own admission the house is tidy but there is dry washing out..how much of a big deal is that? Would your friends really be horrified?

No matter how organised you are everyone will run out of essential items occasionally, do you think it is unacceptable to never run out of something? I just wonder if you need to let go a little, accept that the house will not be perfect and try to focus on the good in your life.

He should have noticed the dry laundry needed to be put away, but he may have forgotten or not realised about the bathroom.

Try not to go on and on, otherwise you'll be perceived as a moaning minnie.

Nobody is perfect and he really doesn't sound that bad from what you've said. Your standards may just be higher than his and he remembered to make the bottles for your DD, which wasn't on the list....so cut him some slack.

Yes my standards are much higher than his but I find it difficult to accept I'm being unreasonable about enforcing them because my standards are not objectively high, his are just really really low! Like on MN cleaning threads I'm on of the slatterns!! His upbringing has influenced this and I know he can't help that but I don't think it's really fair that after many years of living together he still seems incapable of sorting stuff off his own back. It's also not that he doesn't know how to do things because he does. But I do think it's not a woman's responsibility to teach their partners how to clean, im another one who grew up doing hardly anything at home other than my own bedroom, my own ironing, sorting dishwasher, and occasionally helped hoover the house. I went to uni at 18 and I still quickly figured out how to sort my own bathroom and do my own laundry etc it wasn't hard! But that's a different topic anyway and not really relevant to my situation. Also I checked my list last night and I actually did write to clean the bath on it, but he claimed he didn't have time! He did it last night after I got so upset and we had yet another big talk. I do think some of these responses are really sad and gendered though. "Moaning Minnie"?! Do you think I enjoy having to ask/remind him 50 times to do something? There's an easy way to stop people from nagging you and that's to actually do the stuff you need to do, so no need for nagging, and I'd be far happier that way too! I have thought about leaving stuff for him but I can't think what I could do that wouldn't have negative consequences for me and DD as well, iyswim. Like I guess I could not do his laundry but that would actually be more work for me sorting his stuff out of it than just chucking it all in the machine. If he doesn't get the shopping then I won't have food either if I left that. He does have one job for our guinea pig that I leave him solely in charge of but literally every time he doesn't remember to do it on time which is an inconvenience for me as well and also not nice for the guinea pig (washing a load of his bedding every few weeks). I don't think there is anything else I leave to him solely, but as I said he doesn't even do that job off his own back properly. I wanted to leave birthday presents and cards for his side of the family but then multiple were completely missed and I felt bad as they're generous with us and I care for them too so I dont want them to go without so I'm back with that job now too. I do feel better today and I probably am being a bit harsh, he is a good man. But he would be an even better one if he could share the jobs and the mental stress of it all more equally than currently. And he has admitted and agreed that he needs to step up. But he always says that and then doesn't...