When forgetting isn't easy

[feefee1921]

Sorry its a long one. I got chatting to a guy on online dating over 10 years ago. We never ended up meeting but kept each other on fb. He had several relationships and I went on to marry. A few years ago on valentines day he messaged me to say I was the one woman he'd always been attracted to. My marriage had been bad prior to this but I had stayed as we had young kids. I admitted this to him and told him I thought he was attractive too. We text on and off nearly meeting but then he blocked me. A while later he unblocked me to apologise and said he'd had alot of issues in his personal life. By this time he had a gf, we kept chatting but it's always been quite heated between us as we both know how attracted we are to each other but both feel guilty about it. We decided to meet to see whether it was just the excitement of it but the day before he blocked me again. Fast forward a few years later I ended up nearly bumping into him but avoided him as I didn't know what to do. I ended up making another fb to look him up and saw posts on his page that were really sad. I decided to message him to say I had nearly bumped into him and I was sorry he had gone through such a tough time. I knew he was still with his gf but we started texting each other daily. He opened up about his struggles and I told him what had been going on with my life it. One night our chat turned sexual, the next day I told him I thought we should meet on the understanding we didn't let anything happen as I felt it wouldn't be so heated between us once we met. He said he felt it was a bad idea as he knew he would end up wanting something to happen. We never met but kept chatting with it going between it being sexual and then stopping it with us both saying we wanted to make sure we stayed friends as we do get on really well. One day he messaged me saying he was upset and was going to block me. He sent me a few messages that I knew were because he was upset then he blocked me from everything. I know it's wrong that both of us behaved like that when we were in relationships. It's been a few months now and I've tried to just forget him again but I do still think about him. I know we were in the wrong but it's hard to forget when we both have admitted we are very attracted to each other and we both feel we can open up to each other. I don't know what my exact point is posting I just wanted to see if others have had similar experiences.

I haven’t. But I do get the feeling hes messing you around. I would be worried that if I did start a relationship with him it’d be the same on/off thing x

It sounds utterly exhausting with all the blocking! That would be a huge danger sign even if it weren’t for the fact you are both in relationships with other people.

You have never met! Honestly you might not have been attracted to him on sight.

It sounds very angst ridden when it could have been just the odd friendly chat.

I think you are wasting your time to give him another thought.

You've never met- none of it is real!
Address your RL problems before worrying about some guy you've never even properly met!

This is a man you have never even met?

You keep looking to meet up with him because your unhappy in your real life. The fantasy of some love and excitement is what’s driving it for you.

He messages you because he needs a crutch or a filler. He doesn’t even see you as a real life person, just some one on line because he refuses to meet up with you.

Stop letting him treat you like that. Leave your husband if you are unhappy and stop deluding yourself that you can be friends or anything else.

The reason you bottled out of going over to him was because you know this is all just fantasy.

Just two random people using someone on line to aliviate there shite lives.

The reason he is hard to forget/get over is because this has had ten years of nurturing into the perfect "if only" fantasy answer to all your problems. You have never even met each other, just had a decade of projecting about chemistry and attraction and how passionate you would both be if you ever met up.

And yet, neither of you ever took the risk and made it real. Because you were both happier mooning over a perfect fantasy than dealing with imperfect reality.

Thanks for the replies. I should have said my marriage ended a while ago.

I avoided him because he had blocked me so I wasn't sure if he would want me to speak to him or not. He did say I shouldn't have.

He has said its our situations that has made him stop us meeting as one of us have always been in a relationship.

When I messaged him after finding out he has had a tough time of it he told me he had thought about me now and again in the years we hadn't spoke but assumed I wouldn't want him to message me after he had blocked me.

What you ladies are saying about the chemistry being built up is why I told him we should meet agreeing to not let anything happen so we could see whether it was that. Neither of us are serial cheaters with other people, we've both said it's the guilt of what's happened has been why we've bickered in the past. Which sounds stupid as we've never met but we've text so much over the years we know each others personalities pretty well.

I've never fallen out with or had the need to be blocked or block anyone. We live only a few miles from each other and alot of my friends and family live in the village he does. Its awkward when I'm out there as i know one day I'm going to end up bumping into him.

What you've said about nurturing the chemistry between us is probably pretty accurate. Even when we say we will just stay friends our chats always end up about the attraction between us or sexual. We've both said we've bickered because the guilt.

I would have met him it's him that's stopped it as he felt guilty when I was still in my marriage and now he's got a partner. We've both said it's ended up like this as there's never been a point where both of us have been single.

If I thought I could just forget him and know I could never jump into him again I think I would be able to. We live so close and I'm always in the village he lives in as alot of my friends and family live there. It's probably fate we've only nearly bumped into each other once

Read The Dreamer & the Fantasy Relationship on Baggage Reclaim

I've done this before, but it's too exhausting. The titillation is one thing but he's not going to magically snap into being more than this weird guy who fancies you but has never met you... leave him be

You haven’t met this man
Rinse and repeat
You need to find another way to deal with other things that have been happening to you in your life. Because you were back in contact when your marriage was shit, now your marriage is over.

This is actually what you’re dealing with. This dude is just the distraction from you dealing with it

What the hell is wrong with you ?

This is why we need a Limerence board.

It's a lot of drama for no benefit. You haven't even met this man.

Have you even spoken to him on the phone or is it all electronic?

How would you feel if he spoke with an accent you detest?

This is just utterly utterly insane. Please block this man and move on. You are obsessed probably because you feel you have limited options. you really don't. How many men are there in the UK would you estimate?

You live a few miles from each other and yet you’ve never met!! Wow 😮 He’s making excuses for the fact you’ve never met, you both are. He’s playing games with you, the arguments, the blocking it’s all designed by him to add drama and fuel your limerence. Look it up there are some excellent websites that will help explain what you’re feeling.

I speak from experience here.. I’ve had an online texting friendship with a married man for almost two years, we did meet twice and he lives 300 miles from me.

I ended it after years of falling out and just generally running each other down. It’s really hard to forget them and harder for me because I’m unhappily married.

You’re free to meet someone who wants you and you could have a lot of REAL LIFE fun with.

Block him and forget he exists. If he really wanted you he would be with you.

He lives close by and you have never met?

I disagree that you are both serial cheaters. I can bet both of you would think your partners having a 10 year on/off texting/sexting relationship with someone else, was cheating.

You sound about 15. Grow up. He needs to too. A Facebook account potlsting lots of sad stuff....you do realise most people who know him will be rolling their eyes at him, but there you are creating new faceboon accounts, so you can reach out to him.

If I blocked someone on fb and they created a new account to contact me, I would think it was creepy.

This relationship isnt going anywhere. Because he doesnt want it to. He dowsnt have to be in a relationship with anyone. He could easily meet up with you, if he had wanted.

You are a bit of wank fodder and an ego boost

Some mean 'snap out of it' responses to the OP so I will counter balance by saying, more gently - cut him off

He's not even an ex, or someone you went on a few dates with. The attention and the closeness that you feel may feel rewarding sometimes but it's just crumbs.

Trust me, as someone who used to do this... you're avoiding real intimacy and vulnerability with other men by being mentally tied up with this guy.

But you can deal with this and move on. It's hard to say goodbye to a dream but that's all this is, you're running on fumes.

It may feel safe or like you've 'invested' so much. But he's not going to pull the plug of this block-unlock-will we-won't we dance. You may have to do this yourself, to give yourself closure and peace.

Disconnect. You don't have to explain it or talk about it - this will prolong the drama

It may hurt to no longer have your 'fix' but people aren't bars of chocolate or alcoholic drinks or drugs you use to distract yourself from showing up for your own life. Be kind and gentle to yourself as you do it but do know that this situation must end