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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Long distance. WWYD? Ex problem

3 replies

pinacoladaaa · 17/04/2019 15:45

I’ve been with my Bf for almost 2 years, we see each other once a week and speak on the phone everyday. Very much happy and in love.
Problem is he lives 70miles away.

He has 1 DD , I have 1 DS
My DS lives with me, and sees his dad twice a week.
My bf sees his DD 3 times a week
Bf earns double my salary, and if he moved to me, he would end up earning less and paying more in bills , because of the area

We want to move in together, but probably wouldn’t be until the end of the year, to give us more time to save.
It looks like it would be me moving to him, as I have min wage job, nothing special.
I feel conflicted, although I know DS dad is an “okay” dad, yes he sees his son twice a week, and is good to his son, but he’s an awful person.
He’s misogynistic, abusive to women.
I went into a refuge when DS was born to get away from him and its taken a restraining order and supervised contact for 4 years to get to where we are with DS dad now.
He was arrested last weekend just for fighting. He’s no role model.
Whereas I know my bf loves my DS and is a great role model

I’m rambling, but my point is I feel guilty for taking DS away from his dad, even though he’s an arse..
Would you feel guilty?
He doesn’t pay child maintenance, refuses to, says that’s what tax credits was invented for..... my son likes going round there, he does kick off with me every now and again, likes the drama and he likes to create arguments.

Would you still move? Or am I being selfish? I genuinely think we will have a better family life if we moved. I drive and ex doesn’t so I was going to offer to drop DS to him every other weekend. It’s just a big jump to the twice a week overnight stays now....

OP posts:
bigchris · 17/04/2019 15:47

It's a no brainer , I would move in a heartbeat

pinacoladaaa · 17/04/2019 21:22

Thanks bigchris! Glad to hear your opinion

OP posts:
pushingdaisies · 18/04/2019 13:48

I would move, too.

DS could still see his dad if he were willing to make the effort. He can't refuse to pay maintenance, go through CMS and get the maintenance he owes you!
I think feeling guilty is a natural response, but you aren't moving across the world and you aren't moving to deliberately take your son away from his dad. Your partner sounds lovely and it's good your DS has a positive male role model as his dad doesn't sound great!

Good luck x

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