Does my Mum really need to meet my future in-laws before the wedding?

[Belladoodle]

Hi, been lurking for a while but this is my first post. Hoping someone has some useful advice! Apologies in advance for the essay, don't want to drip-feed.

DP and I have been together for 6 years and are getting married in September. Very excited and happy. However, our parents live in different cities and have never met.

I'm close to my mum. She's very nice, friendly and easygoing. My Dad passed away unexpectedly 2 years go. Obviously it's really sad he won't be there to see me get married and Mum was especially upset about this in the first couple of months after we got engaged. Recently, she's started to seeing someone, let's call him Bill. I've met him a couple of times and he seems fine.

DP's parents are super socially awkward. He tries really hard with them but they don't really have a relationship as adults. My relationship with them is virtually non-existent. There's no animosity and we've never fallen out. We just make polite small-talk. They take no interest in me or our life together. Mostly when we see them (every other month or so) DP's mum nags him about getting a haircut or going to the dentist and his dad moans about Brexit. They sent a card when we got engaged but other than that haven't mentioned the wedding or asked anything about it. When we bring it up it gets dismissed pretty quickly.

There is no scenario I can think of where they meet which doesn't make me incredibly anxious. I'm not sure why, I'm not an anxious person generally. I don't want 'Bill' to be there - I don't know him that well and he's not my Dad. But I don't think my Mum will want to come alone. She's not said anything outright but I can tell she's nervous about the idea. DP's parents are about 15-20 years older, much better-off financially and more educated (obviously none of matters at all but she has mentioned it a few times). I thought about asking my sister to come along but she's 7 years younger than me and a bit flaky.

I'm just worried it's going to be really awfully awkward and potentially upsetting for my Mum.

I think they can just meet at the wedding. DP thinks this is madness and we should just grit our teeth and get through it. Wise people of mumsnet - what do we do???

Invite them all to your house for an informal lunch, including Bill and your sister.

Sounds nerve-wracking for all of you!! 😬 How about arranging an activity meetup to dilute the situation? Where the focus is more on the activity than the conversation to help things along? No suggestions as yet as I don't know the people involved but a national trust property or something??

I don't think mine met before or after our wedding!

I ddn't think anything of it, they lived so far apart and dodn't have any need to know each other!

There is no 'should'. So just do what's best/least bad for you.

Maybe it's worth them meeting before, if only so it's one less thing to worry about on your wedding day?

Re Bill, you need to tell your mum that you don't want him there. Are you doing the whole top table thing, and if so, who will your mum have for company? This is one of those times where she will strongly feel - as I am sure, will you - the loss her your dad. Maybe have a chat about how to cope with that, or lessen the impact.

Actually I'd say meet on mutual ground. Lunch in a public environment.

What are you anxious about exactly? Have you spoken to your mum about your worries? Why do you think the visit might be upsetting for her?

You are not responsible for your future PIL's behaviour. If they are unfriendly to your mum, it reflects badly on them not you.

Honestly op, invite them for lunch, make it a couple of hours. Somewhere outside. Ie not your home. They will make polite small talk and never see each other again other than at the wedding. It is less of a big deal than you think.

I wouldn’t bother, if you don’t want to.

We did - didn’t make any difference to anything.

There’s really no need unless you want to, especially if you’re anxious about it.

I don't think mine met before or after our wedding!

Mine neither, it's just not necessary imo.

Mine met for the first and only time, about 4 years after the wedding. We didn’t have any relatives or guests at the wedding either, apart from 2 witnesses.
OP, just do whatever feels most comfortable for you - it’s your wedding after all, not the in-laws or your mother’s.

I don't think mine met before or after our wedding

Nor mine. Don't see the need, esp if it's stressing you out.

Thanks all. It is a reassuring to hear that I am probably massively overthinking it!

To answer a few questions

• We aren't having a top table, just two long tables. Bill is invited and Mum will sit with him and the rest of the family. I'm happy for him to be a guest. It's just the 'meet the parents' bit just makes it seem like he's replacing my Dad if you see what I mean?

-I'm not sure what it is exactly I'm anxious about. A few of our friends have got married recently. I've seen their parents happily chatting away and just can't imagine that for us!

I'll have a bigger chat with my Mum and either we won't bother or take the advice of quick hello on neutral ground. Everyone seems to love our dog (weirdly, DP's parents are super keen on him). Maybe a quick walk with him, a coffee , then separate ways

Mine never met before our wedding either, but if the idea of them meeting is making you anxious, would it be better to get it over with before the wedding, rather than have it be something to think about on your wedding day?

Don’t bother it’s too stressful and you don’t need to

We had a BBQ at my house the night before the wedding. We’d been together 9years when we got married and our respective families had never met, no reason, just happened that way. It was open invite to everyone on either side as long as they brought something (we obviously provided the bulk of the food). Worked really well and broke the ice.

I reckon it’s unnecessary but if it’s important to your fiancé, as it seems to be, think I’d do it OP. Lunch in a nice pub sounds fine. I’d invite Bill so your mum has support and doesn’t feel like a fifth wheel (I also think that although he’s not a father figure, it’s important to recognise him as her choice of partner - but that’s a different thread and not what you asked!).

My DPs and MIL just met very briefly before the wedding - just coffee and cake.

There's no need for Bill to come to meet your future inlaws.

You could have a meal in a restaurant and everyone goes to their respective homes afterwards.

This interests me as we are regularly expected to socialise with our daughter's inlaws and I really don't understand why. Interesting to see others commenting their parents have never met, or only at the wedding. Makes me feel less guilty about avoiding socialising with DD's inlaws - I just thought it was me being antisocial. In your situation OP I would bite the bullet and arrange to meet at a nature reserve to walk the dog or something and take a picnic.

God you could be talking about mine and DPs parents to a T. They've met for 10 mins once and probs we'll have an engagement party and they can meet again but tbh I know that my DPs parents could happily go their whole lives without meeting mum properly and she's probably the same.

I feel for you.