Fat hubby a turnoff

[Fleagle]

Okaay so this maybe makes me a very shallow person but here goes.
We have three young kids .
I don't fancy my husband AT ALL .
He is a good man who is all for his wife and family but a typically undemonstrative northerner ( hope this does not offend)
He has put on about three stones in the past two years and is now really quite fat. He used to be good looking but his face is so fat and his neck so big that he looks terrible and his eyes look all piggy. I actually hate to look at him because he is such a distortion of his previously lovely self.
I know he is self conscious but would be very upset if I drew attention to his weight gain.
I know this is very sefish of me but I am quite repulsed by him.
I have been quite overweight myself and know how hard it is to lose weight so I am genuinely sympathetic to him as he can't feel good about himself.
Actually I don't understand how he got so fat because I cook all nutritions low fat stuff. I have a feeling he buys crisps and sweets and eats them in secret.
Can I help him without offending him ( he is a very sensitive person)
In the meantime how can I overcome my repulsion?
Please don't judge me too harshly for this. I could never discuss this with anyone in real life and it is getting to me. At least I can be honest here.

Fleagle, Why not enroll in a fitness center together. You dont have to be overweight to join. This might encourage your dh to lose weight. Does he do any kind of excersise? Sometimes eating healthy alone is not always enough. I feel for your dh because losing weight is not an easy fast thing and whats worse is knowing you are heavy. I myself am overweight a little. I would never criticise his weight gain though especially since he is already self conscious. No matter how much it upsets you. That would be the worse thing you could do. I would try and work together as a team to commit to working out. Instead of directly telling your dh he needs to work out to lose weight try talking to him about doing it to get healthy together and for something to do as a husband and wife. Everyone heavy or thin could benefit from getting excersize. Just tell him that. Good luck

Message withdrawn

Fleagle I think Threeangels has a good suggestion. You need to handle it delicately and he probably is depressed about his weight and so eats more and it's a vicious circle.

My dh is about 2 stone overweight so not huge but could do with losing a little. Fortunately for me I do still find him attractive, it must be very hard for you if you don't. Is he noticing it ?

Exercise is as important as a healthy diet. Like SB34 my MIL instead of FIL is obese (spelling). I find it repulsive and very irritating. She does eat lots of crap now and never gets off her backside just sits on the sofa eating crap and watching crap. I too hope that dh doesn't turn out like her in fact I don't think he would ever because he is very conscious of it but does like to sit on the sofa watching sport all bloody day given half the chance.

I do sympathise but think you need to be very careful about how you handle it so as not to hurt his feelings and perhaps suggest that you could both do with losing weight (even if you don't need to) to keep healthy etc, etc

How about suggesting he get involved with your children's sporting activities? Maybe coach football? Then he can get some exercise disguised as family activities.

I recently spoke to a male psychologist and counsellor (for work!) who addressed this very problem. He said you should DEFINITELY mention it if it is seriously affecting your relationship and it needs to be in the open. He says feeling attracted to your partner is very, very important and he needs to know how you feel. That's not to say you have to be rude, but something like, 'I'm worried about your health, because you've put on some weight and I want you around for a long time for me and the kids. OR You look so sexy when you lose a little bit of weight' Also ask if there is anything you can do to help - eg join a gym, not have biscuits in the house,or if there is an emotional reason for putting on so much weight - it IS a lot in a short time. I am currently struggling to lose weight and I know my dh would find me more attractive thinner so that's one of the reasons I'm doing it. He runs a lot to keep his weight down so we both try to look good for each other. I don't resent him for tactfully saying that he thinks I looked gorgeous when I was slimmer. He has also cut out cooking with fat for me etc. IMO It's better to tell him you'd prefer him to lose weight rather than let yourselves drift apart as he sounds such a good man.

Having experience of living with a northern husband, I was wondering if yours possessed another northern trait - bluntness (which, I might add, find very refreshing)

Dh would tell me in no uncertain terms that I was becoming a fat, lardy bloater who has obviously eaten ALL the pies..... He would make a jokey kind of statement to let me know that he thought I was getting a bit fat.

How would dh take this kind of approach, or who he take it with offence????

Fleagle sorry to hear this. My DH and I had the same problem. At least we both recognised we have/had a problem. We are consciously working together to make changes to our eating habits. You must address this subject with him, he is probably very unhappy and maybe thinks you don't notice.

How old is he, does he have a big birthday coming up or could you book a special holiday for next year so that you have a goal to work towards.

We are trying not to eat in the evenings and to make healthier choices. I have the Weight Watchers books which you can buy at classes (you don't have to join). The books list masses of different foods including fatty and sweet things by the number of points they contain. The less points you eat the more weight you lose.

We're still eating lollies and chocolate but eating the ones with less points.

Tesco Healthy eating pre-packed food is good and the M & S Count on Us range is even better. The Sainsburys range has a higher fat content.

Try to get him to avoid too much bread and anything that's made with fat.

Walkers half fat crisps are still very tasty and so is the half fat cheddar in Tesco.

HTH. R

Fleagle, if your dh is eating in secret maybe this points to a bigger problem? I mean, why do women eat in secret? Because we get depressed. I think maybe you need to find out why your dh is so depressed, otherwise you are tackling the symptoms rather than the cause.

Just tell him that you are concerned about him, he looks unwell and you have noticed he has put on a bit of weight. He will know this anyway so you telling him won't make that much difference. Ask him if there is anything bothering him, is it his work? Something from his past? Suggest he sees his GP. The idea of enrolling at a fitness centre together is a good one. But you do need to get this out into the open. I'm sure he would make more of an effort if he knew how much it meant to you.

Perhaps you do need to be brutal with him and sit down and have a honest chat about his weight!

Sometimes people need a bit of shock treatment to spur them into action - maybe find some old pictures of him looking particularly good, and some current pictures of him looking overweight. Sometimes people need to see for themselves how they now look overweight, I know from personal experience that it's easy to avoid the truth (and full length mirrors)

Does he have a lunch box or eat at work? Maybe he can take some low cal snacky food to work if he does get peckish (carrot sticks, etc...)

As mentioned before, book a holiday for next year and buy him some pre-weight swimming trunks for him to aim towards getting into.

Lots of things that can help lose weight and I'm sure you know all of them, but it can only be dh to motivate himself into action - he needs to be put into the right state of mind to want to do it.