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Original poster

Not sure what I should do about this - friendship and suspicions

31 replies

RagRug · 17/04/2019 07:05

I really don't know what to do about this.

I am in my mid 40s and am friends with a couple who are also in their mid 40s.

Over the 10 years I've known them, I've become closer to him. They both have different hobbies and interests, he and I have similar hobbies and interests. His wife actively supported and encouraged his friendship with me so that he would have someone to do these things with. We are both a little 'quirky' (apparently) and the general lighthearted consensus has always been that if we are friends doing this shit with each other then no one else has to...

There is, and never has been, anything untoward between he and I - their relationship hugely predates our friendships. I have no reason to think he is interested in me; I'm certainly not interested in him; he loves his wife very much; he's not my type; there is no flirting... you get the picture. We're just really bloody good friends. He's like a brother to me - we have a laugh, get on well and I trust him implicitily. We're just very comfortable with each other precisely because there is no 'sexual tension'.

I'm aware that, over the years, this has been questioned by some people who think that something must have happened or must be going on between us.

We do a hobby together. I've been 'probed' about our friendship by the women in the group and he told me the other day that the men had asked him similarly. All the members of the hobby group are married (except for me) to other members of the group or spouses who support their hobby. His wife rarely turns up to these things (for her own reasons, which I understand) but she has done, so everyone has met her and everyone has seen the three of us together.

But a comment was made recently which made me realise that their curiosity is still there and, in a couple of cases, I have begun to sense a feeling from them that our friendship isn't 'appropriate'. But it really just bothers me if people have just drawn their own conclusions that we "must have Wink Wink" As much as anything, 10 years down the line, this feels a bit tired now given it seems to be everyone who wonders it.

I don't want to lose my closest, and now oldest, friend but neither do I want his wife to be hurt by unfounded suspicions. Even though she knows they're not true, it's got to hurt knowing that people are saying stuff. I wouldn't like it if people thought I was being a mug, I guess.

I suppose I don't really have anyone in real life to talk this through with and just wanted some feedback.

For clarity, we have spent a lot of time together over the past 10 years as families - holidays; Christmases; birthdays... our children are friends... As the children have grown older, we have spent less time together as whole families - it does still happen, just far less frequently.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 17/04/2019 07:08

Your post reads like you secretly wish something had happened? Do you like the drama on the quiet?

Original poster
RagRug · 17/04/2019 07:10

I really don't think it does! He's a married man.

There isn't any 'drama'.

But that is precisely the sort of shit I mean, so thanks Hmm

OP posts:
ooooohbetty · 17/04/2019 07:13

Why do you care? Go about your business and stop wondering about what people may or may not think. Or, if it bothers you that much stop doing stuff with him.

Unburnished · 17/04/2019 07:15

People cant cope with anything outside the ordinary generally so you’ll always have this gossip going on. Are you attractive by any chance? That’s generally the reason for this sorr of thing.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 07:17

Why do you care what other people think?

I met one of my best friends at work. We also worked with his girlfriend. We all know there were rumours. Me and the girlfriends talked about it a couple of times. I was concerned for her and her feelings. She knew there was nothing going on and the rumours didnt bother her.

As long as she was happy, he was happy and they didnt feel I was impacting their relationship, it was fine. Non of us cared what others thought.

I also spend quite a bit of with my best friends husband. We take the kids out of best friend is at work. Me and my ds live spending time with their kids. All 3 of us are involved in the local football team. People are used to seeing a combination of all 3 of us turn up to games.

Again, non of us, or my now partner care what other think. We are all friends and that's, that.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 07:18

Oh and one of the rumours at work was that me, the friend and his girlfriend were all in a relationship with eachother. That was the funniest.

Original poster
RagRug · 17/04/2019 07:22

Why do you care? Go about your business and stop wondering about what people may or may not think

How is it not my business that people are gossiping about me behind my back?

I care because it affects me! And it affects my friends.

And I don't much appreciate having people speculating about my sex life! It's boring and I'd rather people just didn't do it.

But it's good to see that exactly what I'm talking about is being demonstrated so clearly here!

Unburnished No, I get that. I suppose it was just a bit of a surprise to realise it was still going on. No, I'm pretty ordinary but he's quite good looking.

OP posts:
Danni91 · 17/04/2019 07:25

Honestly there is not anything you can do about it and you clearly value the friendship greatly so I'm not sure what else anyone can say.
If you are thinking about ending a 10 year friendship because people 'think' things then that's on you, but seems pretty silly to me!
You can't make people believe you so long as your husband his wife and you guys are all happy then who cares what other people may think.

orenisthenewblack · 17/04/2019 07:26

I'd be tempted to make an announcement to be honest! "Hoi, you lot! This has gone on for long enough. We're friends. Always have been always will be. He loves his wife and I'n not interested in being his bit on the side. Now grow up, get over it and get back to your quirky hobby."

what's the hobby btw?

Original poster
RagRug · 17/04/2019 07:28

putthatlampshade That's pretty much how it is here too.

10 years ago we could all laugh it off as you describe but nowadays, I'm just a bit pissed off by it tbh and feeling like I have to explain and justify it when people ask. Especially when it impacts upon people's opinion of me.

Just feeling a bit pissed off by it at the moment, I guess!!

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 17/04/2019 07:30

You say he has been asked as well . What is his attitude to people thinking this ?

Original poster
RagRug · 17/04/2019 07:31

I wasn't thinking of ending the friendship, tbh, just wasn't sure if other people would think it was appropriate to do so.

Afraid I can't say the hobby. Would be massively outing!! Grin

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 17/04/2019 07:32

Morris dancing or other Wink

Original poster
RagRug · 17/04/2019 07:34

He thinks it's funny. He's pretty much said what people on here have said - if people are going to talk, let them.

Perhaps I'll just have to develop a thicker skin!! I just don't like being perceived as someone who'd mess around with someone else's husband!

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 17/04/2019 07:35

Why has it taken you 10 years to get here ?

Original poster
RagRug · 17/04/2019 07:37

Haha, it's not, but it's probably about as niche...

OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 17/04/2019 07:39

If you end the friendship over this it is likely the gossips will see it as confirmation that something was indeed going on and then it went kaput.
If his wife is unperturbed then just go about your business, they'll soon get bored. They may wish to make a thing of it but make sure you don't.

Springwalk · 17/04/2019 07:44

These people are not friends io. Friends don’t talk about you behind your back, and gossip about you.
The group you describe needs to be dropped like a hot stone. These people do not care about you or your well being.

If you leave the group your problem is solved, and they will have to find someone else to talk abou.mt.

You are gossip fodder.

Move on, get some real friends and continue your hobbies with your male friend. No reason to stop. You and he know that your intentions are sincere and based on friendship only, you don’t need to explain or justify ( unless his dp is hurt then my advice would be different)

Original poster
RagRug · 17/04/2019 07:46

Well I suppose because he and I have become closer friends over that time.

As the children have grown older the things we've done as whole families has been less. Everyone has reached that stage of life where we're more content to please ourselves and so his wife is less likely to come along to things to 'support' if she doesn't want to and is happy to just leave us to it. She has a demanding job and, when she gets home, she wants to watch mindless tv or read a book in peace once the children are sorted. He and I are more like, "you've had my day, big corporate machine, you're not having my evening too!" and would rather do something. Realistically, we see each other once a week for the hobby and then perhaps one other day that she is often involved in. It depends on work. He is very family oriented and they come first.

We've only been involved in the hobby we do for the past 2 years and we've been in 2 separate groups so we've encountered it in each of those.

Mutual friends have questioned it.

So it's not that it's something that's asked every day! But I suppose just realising the other day that people still have suspicions was just a bit deflating.

I just wondered whether this friendship was actually 'wrong'.

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 17/04/2019 07:47

Cannot believe the response suggesting you're enjoying the drama - grrr ridiculous.

No-one likes to think people are gossiping about them and it's sad that people can't see beyond the old familiar trope that if a man and woman are friends it must be sexual.

I can see why it bothers you but I really wouldn't try and change anything just to appease the baying crowd. They will continue to speculate and gossip even if you do so it's pointless.

You could target one or two closer friends in the group and talk to them about about how upsetting it is. They then might put the word out in the group that it's distressing for you because there really isn't, or ever has been, anything going on.

Other than that I really would try and rise above it, people gossip even when there's nothing to gossip about. They always have done and always will - especially if there's a situation that's unusual and doesn't fit social norms.

LordWheresMyShoes · 17/04/2019 07:51

The key thing to do here seems to be work on stop caring what others think. Any big announcement or action is only going to draw negative attention and speculation.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 17/04/2019 07:51

What horrible small-minded people Sad. If I were you, I would tell them ALL that their speculation is hurtful and, if it happens again, you will leave the group.

cakecakecheese · 17/04/2019 07:52

It's not nice to be gossiped about but clearly these people have such dull lives that they feel the need to be entertained by nonsense.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 08:00

The problem is, that people gossip. They will gossiping you end the friendship or if you dont.

You can either live your life and make decisions based on mindless gossip. Or you can live your life how you want and ignore them.

You cant stop people gossiping. It happens. Its shit, but you can only change how it impacts you.

Original poster
RagRug · 17/04/2019 08:03

You could target one or two closer friends in the group and talk to them about about how upsetting it is

I did think about this.

I don't think leaving the group would help either. Besides, I'd miss out then!

I don't think it's that they're dull (far from it!) but I think they've all been married for so long and tend to have same sex friends that they think it's a bit odd.

As long as some people agree it isn't wrong in principle, I think I'll just have to work on rising above it!

OP posts: