Wife always flirting with male friend when drunk

[TimTam81]

My wife and I have been married 5 years, together for 8. We are very happy, do lots of things together etc. Although we haven't really been having sex for a while and I'm the one who always has to initiate.

About a year ago we made friends with a guy who we both really respect. He's a lot older than the two of us (over 20 years) and has helped us out for various things. The problem is whenever we go out (about once a week) and he's there my wife becomes extremely flirty with him - bedroom eyes, biting her lip, touching him. They banter a lot and he'll make semi inappropriate comments which she doesn't shut down. They text each other the day after saying "that was fun etc." and then he calls her to see if we (her and I) want to hang out again - but I suspect it's only to see my wife since he never tries to reach me personally. Last week I saw him parade her around to his friends that I didn't know, saying isn't she beautiful, look how gorgeous she is etc.

I told her after one particularly boozy night that I was uncomfortable with things and kind of lay all the blame on him. She defended him and said he's like that with everyone. I don't know how she can't see that it's inappropriate or why she won't try to stop it.

I'm wouldn't put up with such blatant disrespect.
Why aren't you making a stand?

Have you suggested a threesome? If go, all systems are, go!

If you expect monogamy, she'd adhereing to the literal terms of that.

Is he meeting her on his own at any point or communicating with her in private without your knowledge?

Mmm sounds dodgy.

*Blatant flirting
*Touching
*Welcoming inappropriate comments
*Texting to discuss their cozy fun
*Denial
*Minimizing
*Disrespecting your feelings
*Showing him more passion than you

She is treating you with contempt and publicly making a fool of you. She feels entitled to pursue this ego boost and rub your nose in it. Find your self-respect and tell her this stops now.

I wouldn’t stay with my husband if he made such a mockery of me.

She does sound like she’s enjoying this attention. Have you spoken to her sober about how her behaviour makes you feel. Ignore anything about him for the moment

Ok, taking what you’ve said about this man being 20+ years older at face value, I would say they are just having a bit of banter and she in particular is just being ‘friendly’. I highly doubt she’s interested in him sexually, the guy however might see things differently and think he’s in with a chance!

You have done the right thing by stating you’re uncomfortable with it and by telling her to rein it in!
How would she feel if he made a move on her? Flattered or creeped out?

FGS Man, put your foot down. She either stops it or your marriage is over.

I don't know how she can't see that it's inappropriate or why she won't try to stop it.

Oh no, she can see it and because she likes it.

Neither is showing you any respect.

If they aren't already having an affair, they're hurtling towards one.

Time to cut the ties with this "friend" and tell her if she does that again, you're off. It's a cruel thing to do. On both their parts.

This is affair territory.

Take a stand up to and including separation.
She doesn't respect you and love and respect/admiration are linked.

Watching this with interest for advice as I have a female friend who behaves like this. Her bf is a good friend of mine and I've known him longer than I've known her.

She does this when he isn't there and she's drunk it's excruciating to watch. I've seen her literally pawing at married men. She was standing up next a MM who was sitting in a chair, her breasts were in is face and she was leaning over him in a really proprietal way.

I don't really know what to do. I've sort of hinted to her what people have said about it - not me I'd add but it' s much nastier than I've hinted. She just says she's a flirty person and misunderstood.

I don't really want to say anything more direct as I think it would really upset her.

It doesn't necessarily mean she is having or thinking of having an affair. When my now ex and I started to drift apart, I behaved much as your wife does when drunk - and I found that the more miserable I got, the more often I got drunk. I had no intention of taking it any further but was crying out for my husband to give me some of the attention I got when flirting. He didn't. He ignored it completely. It wasn't until one night I got really really drunk (still can't remember the last part of the evening) and I was apparently "inappropriately touching someone" that he reacted - but not til the next morning and only because one of his mates had pointed out that he should be offended.

We eventually went our separate ways (very amicably) and he is now getting married again. I still think that he ignored my behaviour because deep down he didn't want to be married to me anymore. Not because of my behaviour but that gave him a reason not to like me

Please talk to your wife - it has to be worth trying to avoid divorce, even an amicable one.

i think she likes the attention but in all likelihood would be so blatant by parading it in front of you! She is being hugely disrespectful to you. Sorry. I hope you get this resolved.

wouldn't be so blatant

she either cuts ties with him and the inappropriate friendship or you cut ties with her and your relationship

I still think that he ignored my behaviour because deep down he didn't want to be married to me anymore.

Or perhaps he was worried if he said anything you'd think he was controlling and jealous. Perhaps this is why OP is reluctant to say anything either.

@Scott72 in my particular case, I don't think it was that. But definitely something for OP to consider. I just wanted to point out that its not always a need for an affair which makes someone behave in such a way - there's often another more deep seated reason.

There are lots of women who will have an affair with a man 20 years older, so don't assume the age is a barrier to anything happening.

If you behaved the way he does with another woman, how would she feel?

Parading another woman round saying how gorgeous they are etc.

I would add that if this is attention seeking, it's incredibly immature and if someone is behaving that way, they're aren't mature enough for marriage.

If you want attention you discuss how you feel neglected...not flirt with other men and make a fool of yourself and your OH.

OP... tell your wife that the flirting needs to stop and how it makes up feel.

If she does nothing to change her behaviour, I would decide if you want to remain in a marriage where you're feelings are ignored.

Stop seeing so much of him. Ask her to make excuses next time he asks. Once a week is a lot for any friend, let alone a flirty one. If your wife gets upset by this then you can have a chat about the flirting again.

Seriously, why are socialising so much with this guy?

You need to put your foot down unless you want to be cuckolded.

Bloody hell. Ask her how she would feel if you started treating another woman like this man is treating her. Can you imagine if you kept calling another woman and paraded her round your friends telling them how beautiful she was etc???

She may be enjoying the attention or trying to make you jealous but it's not on at all.

I know it's been a while since anyone has responded but I definitely know these feelings. If you knew your wife was flirty, why haven't you accepted that? Or if it bothered you, why didn't you let her know? This can't be the first time you recognized it. In a bar or club atmosphere, it becomes magnified. The lady who gets the most attention will appear to be the Queen. The lady will also feel a sense of worth. Who doesn't want that?
Anyway, I have 30 yrs experience in this. I have 2 beautiful children with my wife and I love her more everyday. I knew early on that I would have to lose the jealousy card and accept the fact that almost everywhere we go she'll either get guys staring or coming up and hitting on her right in front of me. She is the most beautiful woman in the room almost every where we go. She is also extremely sexy. We're both in our fifties and she still gets hit on. Especially in bars. Inhibitions are in the rear view mirror in places like that. I don't think anyone can be blamed. Even the flirty asshole that appears to hit on her. When inhibitions are lost, it's free willing human nature time. That's why people drink. To have fun.
Until you speak out, nobody's at fault. Maybe you're at fault because you're not telling her. I have played a much different card in my relationship. I love to see my Queen get hit on. She gets attention, that all women relish and embellish. One thing that helps put the jealousy card away is that. Watching your Queen get hit on and fully understanding that you are her King, is a real turn on intimately and a lot of other things you know as well.
I did that for the first 2 decades plus. It was getting a bit old. Still fun but old. Now I allow it for just a second or two and then I move in. Wish I would have done this a few years ago but I have always been at ease with everything. Guys will give her a kiss, a hug, sometimes an inappropriate touch. We've all seen it! Now I jump off my bar stool and I head right over. I don't look at the dude or dudes but I walk right up to her and give her the biggest kiss and hug she'll ever get. Then I ask if she needs another drink or maybe a shot. Works well. Try it.
Flirting is acceptable! It's human nature. Especially for women. They are programmed differently. Without a doubt. Almost all of them enjoy the attention. From their husband to their new acquaintances.
If it bothers you then be clever in how you approach it. Sitting there and watching it is your choice. Whether you realize that or not.
Go give your wife the attention she deserves. It's an indirect cockblock. Your wife will love it.
Yes, it feels like total disrespect. But in a drinking environment it's not.
That's what I've always remembered. It's not disrespectful unless you tell her. Even then, don't forget about lost inhibitions. She probably won't remember your talk initially after a few drinks the next time. Cut her some slack. Try to get her attention and give her a reminding look or something that will jog her memory. Or better yet go give her a kiss. Don't approach her after a few drinks and ruin your night. Don't approach her at all when you are drinking. Bad! You're a downer and you are reminding her of that.
Your wife is beautiful, that's a huge reason why you're with her.
Go be her King!