Friend competitive over friendships

[Herewegoop]

Can anyone shed any light on what is going on with this frendship please? Anyone experienced similar?

I have a friend whose son and daughter are the same ages as mine and are close friends. They go to the same school. On the one hand she behaves as if we are close friends - she is overly generous about offering favours/lifts/play-dates, etc, and commuicates as if we are good friends. But I feel as if she competes with me over other friendships.

She can be quite secretive about her plans to meet up with other mums, but tells me about it after she has met up with them. I know that she has invited a mutual friend on holiday with her (we usually meet as a 'three'), and has not told me about that yet. I find the secretiveness wierd.

She told me she has no availability to meet up with me this holiday, but has just mentioned a few playdates she's already had, and I know from others they have plans with her too. So if I am not a close friend in her eyes, why does she also give me the impression that we are?

If she sees me speaking with any of the other mums on the school run, I can tell it really bothers her. She will intercept the conversation and position herself so that she is then speaking with that Mum - I am often forced into a position on the pavement where I've been 'pushed out'! If she finds out that I am friendly with someone 'new' (e.g. someone in my village she did not know I know, or someone new I'm getting friendly with because our husbands play in the same football team, or because my DS is in the same club as another's, etc). She makes overt attempts to befriend them and talks to me as if she's already friends with them (even though I know she's hardly spoken with them before).

Wierdly, the other day she made a point of telling me that she sat talking with a lady at dance class...."that one with the daughter that your DD knows". She is referring to one conversation she saw me have MONTHS ago with a woman at dance who my daughter recognised. She remembered it!

I'm starting to feel claustrophobic, as if she watches my every move. She comes across as being very kind, but I leave conversations with her feeling down and anxious. Other friends I have do not make me feel this way. If she is a toxic person, I'm not sure how I can break away from her, as everyone is friends with her and our kids are close.

It depends what her manner is like.

Perhaps she is very insecure about friendships, may feel lonely and is trying to make more friends and going about it badly. She may have read some kind of self-help book on networking or making friends and is implementing it badly, eg remembering things about other people and who they know, trying to make them feel important (the 'being kind'), but being inconsistent because it's not natural to her.

Or she might just be controlling or have picked up some weird habits from other friends or her parent. It's hard to tell for sure. But I would try getting conversation to a point where it might be possible to open up, either you about how you feel and how she is coming across, or her about feeling like she needs to make more friends, or preferably both.

If I mentioned something to her, I should think she would deny it. It is also a lot of very little things, that do not sound like much on their own, but when put together form a bigger picture. It would be easy for her to act as if it's nothing. I understand where you are coming from, but I feel as if there is an undercurrent to her behaviour which is not nice......why, for instance would she not like it if I'm being friendly with others? There is definitely a competitive vibe about her behaviour.

it's not weird, it's manipulative and controlling, gradually walk away from the friendship, she will exhaust you.

Frenemy with FOMO.
Dump her.
And next time she intercepts a convo tell her you were talking and not to be so rude.

I agree with 7yo7yo, I think she has grave fear of missing out. Perhaps she’s paranoid people are talking about her behind her back so sticks her neb in everywhere. Either way she sounds like too much hard work and I would slowly back away from the friendship. Concentrate on the friends wo are genuine!

I know someone who does this! I have backed right off in recent months and it has made me feel so much better!
She also does the thing with interrupting me chatting to a friend and then dominating the conversation. I tend to make up excuses at those points now, like ‘ooh, got to run, got shopping being delivered’. It catches her off guard as she doesn’t generally know my other friends, and they’re not her type of people. She wants to be friends with absolutely everyone, but a lot of people find her overbearing. She also name drops about people she has met up with. I don’t meet up with her anymore as I have lost interest in socialising with her, and I think she has realised I really don’t care who she is friends with, and won’t facilitate her getting to know my friends.
I think ditch the friendship and limit it to brief chats/hellos, and just act breezy. She will move on.

icanhearapindrop - Yes - the name dropping thing!

The trouble is, I can't see how I can move away from her. Our younger children are due to start school together and are very good friends. Also, she seems to 'get in' with everybody. Whoever I try to befriend, she's in there.

She said a strange thing to me yesterday - that she's worried I may be concerned that my youngest child will be manopolised by her child, who has just increased his nursery hours, as they will play together all the time, and my child may not therefore have the chance to make other friends. I have suggested nothing of the sort.

This is an odd thing to say - what is she implying? Surely she is not concerned about my child? Surely she is trying to say that she's worried HER child may be manopolised by mine?

I am not concerned about my DDs friendships - she has a close relationship with her DD, but is also very confident and will easily make other friends.

I walk away from these conversations feeling confused and as if she is trying to engineer something.

I meant - increased 'her' nursery hours.

She is a Wendy with FOMO and frenemy all rolled into one. Why she is this, who knows but not your problem.

'IF' you allow her to ,she will make the next primary sch years of your life a misery with her games. Cut her off, make other friends and don't include her in your social activities and meet ups. Leave her our as she had you. Fight back.

I had this, yrs ago, but no experience and handled it all wrong. Whatever her issue and god only knows what her hang ups were/are etc, not your problem. YOU take control of this now.

I saw a quote once saying:
" what you allow is what will happen" How true.

Do not allow HER to do this to YOU. Beat her at her own stupid little Wendy FOMO game!

All the best to you OP.

It's not weird, it's manipulative and controlling

⬆️ That!

" She said a strange thing to me yesterday -
that she's worried I may be concerned that my youngest child will be manopolised by her child, who has just increased his nursery hours, as they will play together all the time, and my child may not therefore have the chance to make other friends."

Sorry, just saw your update. Re the above. She is manipulating you and she is talking borax! Your child will be just fine. Ignore the biaatch and don't lose any sleep over her. Tell her to mind her own beeswax and do not discuss your plans/ambitions/concerns with her ever again.

She is persona no grata from now on!

she's worried I may be concerned that my youngest child will be manopolised by her child...and my child may not therefore have the chance to make other friends

“Oh no, DD goes on loads of play dates! I’m not worried about that at all, how silly of you to think so! But we can definitely pull back a bit if you want to”

And then say no to play dates and meet ups for a bit.

I'd distance yourself from her pretty quick smart! I had a 'friend' like that and it didn't end well. She turned out to be a complete nutcase who caused no end of trouble and shit for me with others.