Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Lust or Love?

14 replies

Dating123 · 16/04/2019 17:05

Here's goes.... I'm in my 40s and still confused about love!

Met someone a couple of years ago. Intense physical attraction, similar interests, same outlook on life and connected on a very deep emotional level like no one before. I felt very at ease with him and we could easily chat for hours. In 3 months we saw each other a lot. However, due to several reasons I had to break it off with him. I could feel myself falling in love and wanted to stop seeing him before I found myself utterly heartbroken.

It was really difficult 'getting over' him. I blocked contact (later regretted it) and tried to move on asap. I've dated since but no one has made me feel like he did or compares to that connection. I still think about him often.

We talk occasionally and he says things like he thinks about me or he misses those days with me. I think I have denied my feelings up until now and put that time down to being a fling and no more. But 2 years later I'm still thinking about him. Was this lust or actually love? Either way how do I get over him? I'm half thinking about seeing him again.

OP posts:

Leah2005 · 16/04/2019 17:08

Doesn't sound like lust to me. More of a missed opportunity. Think about the reasons you had to let him go and if they still stand up.

NameChangeNugget · 16/04/2019 17:38

I think love takes many months or years to develop. Sounds like the lust bubble to me.

noego · 16/04/2019 17:41

'
Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Original poster

Dating123 · 16/04/2019 17:48

That's true @noego.

I should add I have been in long relationships too. Was married for nearly 15 years so know the feelings of long-term love. But have never had such an intense short-term 'thing' like this before.

OP posts:

Severnlurveheart · 16/04/2019 18:28

OP I am 50 and have had LTR but am currently in a new relationship where sex is incredible, he makes me feel secure and cherished. It can't last as he isn't a UK National and doesn't want to settle here permanently. I feel like it's love as he feels like my best friend and lover, I've never felt anything like this before.

MikeUniformMike · 16/04/2019 18:44

Why don't you ask him out?

neverlost61 · 16/04/2019 22:11

Meeting someone you have a genuine connection with is so rare now days. I would meet up with him and see where things go this time life is too short for what ifs :)

Original poster

Dating123 · 17/04/2019 13:35

I am tempted to meet him again but it's a similar situation to @Severnlurveheart He is not from the UK and has children abroad so could never live here permanently. He moved back to his home country but has since returned to the UK recently. I also have children here so I could never move abroad which is partly why I finished it previously. Doesn't make me stop thinking about him though

OP posts:

Severnlurveheart · 17/04/2019 13:41

@Dating123 my lover also has DCs abroad! It is so hard when they feel like a perfect match. If you have that deep connection It will be hard to resist him.

Original poster

Dating123 · 17/04/2019 13:51

Maybe it's the same person @Severnlurveheart It's difficult isn't it. Does he have any plans to leave soon? Will you continue seeing him until he does? For me his situation was different culturally too. Divorce is viewed negatively in his country so he's been separated for years but never actually divorced. I, on the other hand, am open to marrying again. I guess in short it didn't seem like there was any future or the type of future I wanted. I also wonder if knowing it couldn't last added to the intensity of everything.

OP posts:

Severnlurveheart · 17/04/2019 14:49

@Dating Mine only moved here in Oct 2016 AFAIK but his ex is British so he had visited before that.
The job he has now isn't permanent and he has applied for a job abroad as his probationary period is up in June. If he gets a permanent contract where he is then it would be wonderful, he would probably stay for a number of years. His children are teenagers and he has made a lot of friends where he lives and works.

If not I will try focus on the wonderful few months we've had together, I'd rather have a few months feeling like this than a mediocre LTR .

I met him online and I was only looking for FWB and I thought he looked naughty in his photos . Now I've got to know him and his situation I realise why he said he was only looking for 'non serious dating' , he really can't commit but he has admitted this feels serious
Like you I wonder if the uncertainty is adding to the intense feelings we both have. Maybe we are burning brightly because it can't last.

Severnlurveheart · 17/04/2019 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargoLovebutter · 17/04/2019 15:47

Dating123 I'd say those are the feelings of the intense infatuation of an early relationship that you broke off to protect yourself and so your feelings for him remain in the early intense infatuation stage.

Relationships transition from the first strong flush of attraction, lust, infatuation and desire to one of longer-term companionship (which doesn't mean to say there isn't still attraction and desire still there but it is less at the forefront) and you never got to that stage.

You are right that you haven't fully resolve your feelings about him - probably not helped by the fact that you are still in touch from time to time.

rejected2012 · 17/04/2019 17:58

@Dating123 when you find out how to cut off those feelings whatever they are please do let me know
I met a lovely guy two years ago and I am unable to get over him. We met when he was just about to move to start a training course to related to his career and he doesn't do ldr. I am struggling to forget him despite putting myself out there. We keep in touch as friends and sometimes l daydream about us being together. How sad is my life .

Flip