Can this be turned around?

[Headorheart22]

DP and I have been together for 10 years. We have lived together for 8 years and have no children.The relationship has weathered a lot - Redundancy (him) miscarriage, a period of EA/ FA (subsequent to the redundancy), long term difficulties with MH which went unmanaged for far too long and a recent diagnosis of depression (which I believe to be in the context of another MH diagnosis) for which DP is now taking medication. Until around a year ago I felt that whilst we had been through a lot we had become stronger for it, were closer than we had ever been and that things were moving in a good direction. Over the past year I have come to realise that this is not the case. Since I pushed DP to access support for his MH and he has begun to feel better in himself he appears to have 'dropped' me. I am not sure how else to put it. There have been a few instances of him speaking badly of our relationship in front of friends/ family and I am aware that he has suggested to joe public that his MH difficulties have been caused by 'the way I am' in our relationship. Factually I am aware that these issues long preceded our relationship and found these comments very hurtful given the reality of the situation and my support for him over the years. Coupled with this I do not feel that he hears me. The reality is that he doesn't. Most of the words that leave my mouth go unheard/ forgotten. Having raised this on numerous occasions and seen no change it has resulted in me withdrawing emotionally and not sharing much with him at all. DP no longer appears interested in me as an individual or what I have to say but appears very interested in the thoughts and opinions of others. He has told me recently that he does not feel loved (his 'love language' is physical affection) and I have ensured that I am more physically affectionate with him as a consequence despite this being difficult as I am not feeling that we are connecting as we used to and my own issues with feeling unheard and unvalued in the relationship don't exactly make me want to shower him with physical affection. We have tried to talk about the way things currently are between us, during which he has expressed that his feelings have not changed. He says that he still loves me and wants the relationship to work. I have said the same. I feel that there is a huge gulf between us and I swing between thinking that it is and is not possible to bridge it. Has anyone been through anything similar and come out the other side. Or is it now a case of accepting that things are over and moving on? I am trying not to indulge in sunken costs type thinking and am aware that I do have lingering resentments towards DP due to events of the past which I have been committed to dealing with. I do not think he realises just how much of an impact things (all relating to his MH and previous EA/FA) had and subsequently how hurtful it is that he is now behaving as though (and actually voiced recently) that he now feels I have nothing to offer him... he later revoked this when I stated that in this case we should separate.

I think affairs, emotional or full, have a lasting impact which never go away. How long ago was it? How did you work through it? Any counselling? I would suggest the affairs are the issue here and the MH is just a cover- he has used it a part of the script and you have fallen for it. I am not sure this can be salvaged and think he has already signed out of your relationship. Sorry OP

Hi Minnie thanks for your reply. Sorry I used EA to abbreviate Emotional Abuse. I'm not so au fait with these things. He has not engaged in an emotional/ or physical affair... that I know of anyway.

There have been a few instances of him speaking badly of our relationship in front of friends/ family and I am aware that he has suggested to joe public that his MH difficulties have been caused by 'the way I am' in our relationship.

What are you getting out of this relationship OP? He doesn't sound as though he likes or loves you - but still wants to be sexually intimate with you even though
he is now behaving as though (and actually voiced recently) that he now feels I have nothing to offer him...

Where are YOU in this relationship? You sound as though you have no identity for him except when he wants something from you.

Perhaps it's time for you to have more care for yourself as an individual. How are you doing? What are you doing for yourself? What counselling have you had together and 1:1?

You need some unbiased, impartial support yourself I think, and it sounds unlikely you'll get this from him.

If you want to stay together then you sound in urgent need of marriage counselling so that you can be supported voice these issues in a way that he hears and that he can become accountable for his own MH. However, it sounds like he is quite happy blaming it all on you. His MH is your fault, you have nothing to offer him, his love language is physical and he presumably feels that you are solely responsible for this to. If he can't be accountable and blames you, is there much left to save? Do you have children?

Thank you Happynow001. You are right. Reading back the post it does not sound as though he likes or loves me at all. A few weeks ago I put this to him. His response was to appear genuinely offended and say that he couldn't believe I would question his love for me after all that we have been through. I do question myself sometimes as rewinding a year it was clear to everyone how much he loved me and he did take an interest in my life. I have therefore wondered whether this is in fact MH / depression related but he has not said so and I am not his therapist so am not going to begin unpicking this.

It is not that we do not talk, or spend 'quality' time together. I just feel a lot of the time he is not processing what I am saying or despite seemingly being able to do this in conversations with others.

Currently I am not getting anything from this relationship.

We have not been very sexually intimate recently. One of the side effects of the meds DP is taking makes this difficult. I understand that he finds this tough as we have always had quite a healthy sex life and it makes him feel inadequate. Prior to the latest dip in communication we were trying to maintain intimacy in other ways, however over the past month we have not. This appears to have had a negative effect on other areas of the relationship.

Individually I am doing ok. I have my business, interests, friendships, fitness regime etc independent from the relationship and in myself am feeling quite well. Historically I had counselling and CBT to work through things in relation to the Emotional / Financial abuse and its ramifications.

@blackcat86 we are not actually married. I have reservations about couples counselling as feel this has the potential to inflame things from the past.

He is blaming you for his depression to family/friends and then wants more physical affection etc?

He sounds as though he is still emotionally abusing you if I’m honest. He is aware how this makes you feel but makes no changes?

@ourchristmasmiracle it is subtle blame ie. things like it's not xxxx's fault we both have our problems' which I know makes it even worse. In fact 'my problems' (a short period of reactive depression many years ago) were caused by DP's EA/ unmanaged MH to begin with, hence me finding the comments unbelievably ignorant.

I think you have spent 10 years being what HE needed you to be. His medication is (currently) making him feel like he could have done better without you. I think this will be your life if you stay with him. Ups & downs of him needing you then resenting/blaming you.

Unless you want this to be your life for the next 50 years I think it’s time to move on and reassess your life. I really do.

I think that this relationship has run its course. Don’t throw more precious time at it.

Well if you're not married and worried about couples counselling then I would be getting my ducks in a row. It's hard to see how you can move forward if he just isn't listening to you.

This sounds miserable Hun😢💔💔

Thanks @IncrediblySadToo. Deep down I am aware of this too and agree that it is time to move forward. At this point I think both he and I will find doing so quite straightforward as we are essentially leading separate lives from under the same roof.

Sorry to re-awaken the post. I thought writing this down may be helpful. I am feeling torn between giving things one final opportunity and separating right away. We had a talk this morning, instigated by myself, in which I feel DP was the most honest that he has been with me for a while. I stated that I felt lonely and unvalued. He immediately said that he felt exactly the same (at this point I was sceptical). However, I recognise that currently he is quite unwell with his MH and appears to be struggling more than he often suggests. He says that he is trying hard to 'cover up' his difficulties at work and with friends but has the same issue with 'hearing' people / processing and retaining information in conversations with everyone. He says this has become embarrassing and he does realise how frustrating it must be for me and accepted that there are still MH related things that he projects onto me in the relationship as it is 'easier' than facing these internally himself.